(no subject)
So I had a really great Halloween weekend. I really did. It was the most fun I've had maybe since I've been in college. But then of course it all has to come screeching to a halt when I get in the car with my dad and he has to start rehashing old issues about my parents' divorce and how I never try to get into contact with him and at one point, I kid you not, he blamed me for my parents not getting back together. Yea. The whole time I'm talking about all the things he's done to me, the things I have been dealing with since I was a child, but does he hear any of them? Of course not. All he talks about are his hardships, how his life is a mess right now and how he has nothing. And who's fault is that? His of course, but does he acknowledge it? Does he take responsibility for anything? No. Instead he blames my mom, and in turn blames me because I'm "my mother's daughter" and not his anymore. No, that part of me, the part from him, no longer counts. And I'm sitting in the car thinking how ridiculous this all is. How I am still being blamed for things I did when I was a young, compulsive teenager. I try to tell him about all the issues I've had to deal with, but they're not important compared to his. I tell him how many times I have cried because I have been neglected by my own dad, meanwhile my boyfriend at the time was the one who had to deal with all my pain face to face, and in return he told him that the career he was working so hard for was a joke and a waste of time. I'm still shocked by all that. Every time I tried to speak my mind, he would talk over me. I don't think he heard a single word I said. In the end, I realized that he doesn't know me, and he will never know me. He's missed all the important things in my life that we can't get back. I told him at least my mom was always there, at least she supported me, she never missed a show or a concert, and she has never blamed me for her failures. She may not be the best parent, but at least I know she cares. Unlike him, where after this argument, I doubted it even more. I realized tonight that we can never be a part of the same family ever again. We can never have that relationship between a daughter and a father. It's gone, and I almost don't even care. All I want is to grow up, become even more independent than I am now, and so I never have to ask him for anything. I don't want his love, or his money. Because neither of those things are worth anything anyway. And once again I think, this is why I won't have children, because I'm so scared of this ever happening to them. I am so scared for them to be neglected by their own parents. To be pushed aside and for them to feel worthless and taken for granted. If you're going to do that, why bother having them? Because I know exactly what it feels like to feel like one of your own parents doesn't love you, and I would never wish that on anyone.
So you learn to fill that emptiness. But at least I'm half full.
Nozomi
So you learn to fill that emptiness. But at least I'm half full.
Nozomi