(no subject)
It's hard to forget someone when they were once so embedded into your life. Almost every aspect of your life has some kind of meaning between you. It's hard to move on and not think about them when there is no escape in your mind. Not even in my dreams. Because he shows up there, too, against my wishes and there's nothing I can do. I want to be able to look at something and not be reminded of him. I can't even look at a website or play some stupid game or watch some show without thinking about him. How long will I be tortured? How long will it be when I can look at these things and not feel that stab of pain? I have never been with someone so long, and shared so many experiences with someone before. It's not fair that I'm probably doing most of the suffering.
Everyday I curse myself for becoming depressed because I think if I hadn't, maybe things would have been as they were supposed to be. Maybe we could have been happy. Maybe I could have been happy for once. I hate that I pushed him away and destroyed everything that I wanted in the process. I single handedly take on the blame everyday of my life. I ruined this. I ruined this relationship and I drove away someone who loved me like no one else ever could. And now he's been hurt, probably worse than anything I could have ever done on purpose. I may not have broken his heart, but I think I broke something else. I never wanted to do that to anyone, let alone him. And now I feel guilty for that, too, on top of all my own pain.
Ironically, now that I'm alone, I think more about the future. The idea of being with someone for the rest of my life, be it married or not. My sister got married at 23, and I could never imagine getting married in three years. I can't imagine ever getting married because I can't imagine any one ever loving me like that. I know that I want to be with someone, a partnership. I want someone to say they love me and mean it. Something I haven't truly felt in a while. I want to be happy just knowing no matter what happens that at the end of the day, there's someone waiting for me who can't wait to see me and talk about our days. I want someone to come and sweep me off my feet and tell me whatever pain I have felt, none of it matters anymore because we're together. I want someone to take care of me on my bad days, when I cry or when I'm mad. And I want to in turn take care of someone else in the same way. I want someone to run to me when I cry, not run away because they can't take it anymore. Then again, I don't want to have reasons to cry anymore. I want to find that happiness that I see in other people when they're with the one they love. Something that I felt so long ago, and for only a brief time before I started falling apart. I want to love someone at the same time that they love me. I want to be happy, because I think I deserve it after everything I've been through. But god knows how long I have to wait for it. I hate just waiting. I feel like the best things in life you earn because you worked for them. And right now I feel like I've failed and given up and I'm playing by someone else's rules. What about what I want? What about what I think is best for me? I feel so powerless because what I want is out there, it exists and I can't have it, I can't fight for it. I just have to watch it go with the uncertainty that things may not happen the way I want them to. I feel lonely and unloved and quite frankly abandoned. My life has to change so that I can deal with it and in a way I feel like I'm being tested. I'm being tested to see if I'll learn to depend on friends and family rather than someone I love. I'm being tested to open up to people because it's the only time I feel safe and secure and not like I'm losing this battle with myself. I'm being tested to see that I will not nor ever again become depressed. Well, am I passing? Yes. Am I happy? ....
Wake me up when it's over.
Nozomi
Everyday I curse myself for becoming depressed because I think if I hadn't, maybe things would have been as they were supposed to be. Maybe we could have been happy. Maybe I could have been happy for once. I hate that I pushed him away and destroyed everything that I wanted in the process. I single handedly take on the blame everyday of my life. I ruined this. I ruined this relationship and I drove away someone who loved me like no one else ever could. And now he's been hurt, probably worse than anything I could have ever done on purpose. I may not have broken his heart, but I think I broke something else. I never wanted to do that to anyone, let alone him. And now I feel guilty for that, too, on top of all my own pain.
Ironically, now that I'm alone, I think more about the future. The idea of being with someone for the rest of my life, be it married or not. My sister got married at 23, and I could never imagine getting married in three years. I can't imagine ever getting married because I can't imagine any one ever loving me like that. I know that I want to be with someone, a partnership. I want someone to say they love me and mean it. Something I haven't truly felt in a while. I want to be happy just knowing no matter what happens that at the end of the day, there's someone waiting for me who can't wait to see me and talk about our days. I want someone to come and sweep me off my feet and tell me whatever pain I have felt, none of it matters anymore because we're together. I want someone to take care of me on my bad days, when I cry or when I'm mad. And I want to in turn take care of someone else in the same way. I want someone to run to me when I cry, not run away because they can't take it anymore. Then again, I don't want to have reasons to cry anymore. I want to find that happiness that I see in other people when they're with the one they love. Something that I felt so long ago, and for only a brief time before I started falling apart. I want to love someone at the same time that they love me. I want to be happy, because I think I deserve it after everything I've been through. But god knows how long I have to wait for it. I hate just waiting. I feel like the best things in life you earn because you worked for them. And right now I feel like I've failed and given up and I'm playing by someone else's rules. What about what I want? What about what I think is best for me? I feel so powerless because what I want is out there, it exists and I can't have it, I can't fight for it. I just have to watch it go with the uncertainty that things may not happen the way I want them to. I feel lonely and unloved and quite frankly abandoned. My life has to change so that I can deal with it and in a way I feel like I'm being tested. I'm being tested to see if I'll learn to depend on friends and family rather than someone I love. I'm being tested to open up to people because it's the only time I feel safe and secure and not like I'm losing this battle with myself. I'm being tested to see that I will not nor ever again become depressed. Well, am I passing? Yes. Am I happy? ....
Wake me up when it's over.
Nozomi