The Eighty Of Nine
I really don't get my past. Meaning. I don't understand what the fuck I was doing. Last night, I just sat for about an hour and thought of why my past is so fucked up, why I don't have that comfort and friendship I had with about 20 of my peers after the Summer of 2003, and why does it still bother me today? I got a very straight answer, I fucked it up. Before the Summer of 03, people viewed me as that loud, asshole-sort-of person that did anything to see what would happen, and I know people wondered why I changed from that to who I am now. The answer: I'm alone. Period. Everyone I've been in contact with, in the end, walks away. Why? Because of who I am. I STILL get hate email from ex-friends up in Ohio, saying stuff like "You're Shitty", "Don't ever come back here, you are not welcomed.", and the ever-popular "Fuck You". I Don't Fucking Get It! I tried being the great friend that I am, which I am not, and it costed me my best-friend of 7 YEARS and others I was associated with. Both in Ohio and Florida. I will probably never in my life talked to my bestfriend again, I will never feel the warmed I did in Ohio. I just don't get it, and yet, people, who I still and don't associate with, still view me as an asshole. Why?
I went to church this morning, I didn't feel welcomed there either. I don't know what it is. I feel like I'm falling from grace. Every week I've been distance myself from religion just a step further. I just can't take going without meaning. I don't have anymore to talk about that subject.
The only real positive thing that has happened all day is I got an email from a cousin at Ohio State Univ, that was pretty awsome.
I'm sorry for the people who read my journal and get this type of entry. I just had to get this off my chest. There is more I need to just vent out but it's way too personal and I just don't feel like getting into detail at 11:40pm. I just don't understand why I didn't apply myself when I actually had a highschool to go to because college is way too tight.
I went to church this morning, I didn't feel welcomed there either. I don't know what it is. I feel like I'm falling from grace. Every week I've been distance myself from religion just a step further. I just can't take going without meaning. I don't have anymore to talk about that subject.
The only real positive thing that has happened all day is I got an email from a cousin at Ohio State Univ, that was pretty awsome.
I'm sorry for the people who read my journal and get this type of entry. I just had to get this off my chest. There is more I need to just vent out but it's way too personal and I just don't feel like getting into detail at 11:40pm. I just don't understand why I didn't apply myself when I actually had a highschool to go to because college is way too tight.