Topic 30: Tell us a secret.
I spent a long time believing that the secrets I was forced to keep changed who I was as a person. In some ways, I still think that they did. Experience taught me how to be cautious, and more importantly, how to keep quiet. Hearing about the consequences of telling the truth isn't the same thing as living them. I've paid a higher price for my honesty than for my lies.
Danny paid for it too. And no matter what anyone ever says to me about his death, I know that it was my fault. I told him the truth, fully aware of what would happen if SD-6 found out. I just couldn't stand it anymore. Lying to him about what I do made it feel like our relationship was a lie. I just wanted him to know the real woman who he was marrying, and not the banker. If he could see me for who I was, and still want to spend his life with me, then it would have confirmed everything that I felt about us being right for each other. If he couldn't accept it, I would have given him the opportunity to call it off while there was still time.
I should have known that there wouldn't be any. I was selfish to take a risk with his life. Danny would have been better off with the lie.
Every once in a while, I wonder if I would have been better off with it too.
Then I remember what I've been blessed with, and I realize that although I've been given more than I deserve, this is as close as I'm going to get to everything that I've ever wanted. I don't understand how I can feel that way when I've lost Danny, Francie, Mom and Dad. When I almost lost Vaughn, and Will, but I do.
I'm terrified of believing that it was all worth it, but equally as frightened by the idea that losing them didn't matter beyond the grief. If they were just casualties of a war that I've chosen to involve myself in, then in some small way, the bad guys get the edge.
So I choose to be happy, and I choose to be proud of what I do. More importantly, I choose to be thankful for the people who have stuck by me all along.
Without them, I wouldn't be anything more than an agent.
Danny paid for it too. And no matter what anyone ever says to me about his death, I know that it was my fault. I told him the truth, fully aware of what would happen if SD-6 found out. I just couldn't stand it anymore. Lying to him about what I do made it feel like our relationship was a lie. I just wanted him to know the real woman who he was marrying, and not the banker. If he could see me for who I was, and still want to spend his life with me, then it would have confirmed everything that I felt about us being right for each other. If he couldn't accept it, I would have given him the opportunity to call it off while there was still time.
I should have known that there wouldn't be any. I was selfish to take a risk with his life. Danny would have been better off with the lie.
Every once in a while, I wonder if I would have been better off with it too.
Then I remember what I've been blessed with, and I realize that although I've been given more than I deserve, this is as close as I'm going to get to everything that I've ever wanted. I don't understand how I can feel that way when I've lost Danny, Francie, Mom and Dad. When I almost lost Vaughn, and Will, but I do.
I'm terrified of believing that it was all worth it, but equally as frightened by the idea that losing them didn't matter beyond the grief. If they were just casualties of a war that I've chosen to involve myself in, then in some small way, the bad guys get the edge.
So I choose to be happy, and I choose to be proud of what I do. More importantly, I choose to be thankful for the people who have stuck by me all along.
Without them, I wouldn't be anything more than an agent.