(no subject)
The last two weeks...
Have kinda changed life...
And even my psyche...
It seems as though...
Mark does not hate me...
As I long believed he had...
Why this kept me rattled...
Unable to connect with reality...
For so many years...
Now that it's over...
I cannot believe how off I was...
How broken I had really been feeling...
Since our conversation two weeks ago...
I have gained a better grip on reality...
The fog I have been living in, almost instantly cleared...
I even went as far as to offer to talk to him...
Any animosity I held toward him is all but gone...
In a way I feel bad for him, not that he'd ever want that...
In a way he tried to connect, yet it was still the same...
It was odd hearing about how his life has been...
Amazing what can happen in eight years...
I lived a life I minimally care to remember...
I had some fun times, though rarely spent sober...
I completed an education I am not sure I care about...
I have always had a desire for intelligence...
The process of education, however, bothers me greatly...
The hoops I had to jump through over the years...
I spent six years getting an education...
I am about $24,000 in debt from loans...
And I still need another $20,000 for grad school...
I went to school because I felt obligated too...
I have been in the same job for six years to PAY for that education...
I finally do something for myself (my car) and I feel aweful about it..
I really need to find a way...
To get out from under my debt...
Find a place to call home...
I need to have MY life...
Though I have the life I dreamed about, almost...
That life was planned with two people in mind...
I need a life with just MYSELF in mind...
What I want, my goals, my desires....
No one else can give me what I want, so I will do it for myself...
I am doing my best to be more honest with myself...
I realize that this life I am living has a great direction...
I am not sure that if it is what I want, or what I feel obligated to do...
Still so much to work out...
I can only handle this...
One step at a time...
Such a fucking mess...
Muahz!
Kazel
Have kinda changed life...
And even my psyche...
It seems as though...
Mark does not hate me...
As I long believed he had...
Why this kept me rattled...
Unable to connect with reality...
For so many years...
Now that it's over...
I cannot believe how off I was...
How broken I had really been feeling...
Since our conversation two weeks ago...
I have gained a better grip on reality...
The fog I have been living in, almost instantly cleared...
I even went as far as to offer to talk to him...
Any animosity I held toward him is all but gone...
In a way I feel bad for him, not that he'd ever want that...
In a way he tried to connect, yet it was still the same...
It was odd hearing about how his life has been...
Amazing what can happen in eight years...
I lived a life I minimally care to remember...
I had some fun times, though rarely spent sober...
I completed an education I am not sure I care about...
I have always had a desire for intelligence...
The process of education, however, bothers me greatly...
The hoops I had to jump through over the years...
I spent six years getting an education...
I am about $24,000 in debt from loans...
And I still need another $20,000 for grad school...
I went to school because I felt obligated too...
I have been in the same job for six years to PAY for that education...
I finally do something for myself (my car) and I feel aweful about it..
I really need to find a way...
To get out from under my debt...
Find a place to call home...
I need to have MY life...
Though I have the life I dreamed about, almost...
That life was planned with two people in mind...
I need a life with just MYSELF in mind...
What I want, my goals, my desires....
No one else can give me what I want, so I will do it for myself...
I am doing my best to be more honest with myself...
I realize that this life I am living has a great direction...
I am not sure that if it is what I want, or what I feel obligated to do...
Still so much to work out...
I can only handle this...
One step at a time...
Such a fucking mess...
Muahz!
Kazel