The Most Traumatizing day of my Life...please read :'(

[nowimdead]

So today started out like any other day. I got up tired at 7 am, took some adderall, woke up, hopped on the computer, etc.... 11:40 am rolls around so I go out front to get Lindsay off the bus, then I get her changed into "play" clothes and make lunch for her and Karma. I put on Nickelodeon and went back to the computer to play Uno(online). So Lindsay finished her lunch pretty quickly(Karma was nowhere near finished), so she came over and sat on the floor near me and watched cartoons for a little while(nothing out of the ordinary). I'm still sitting there relaxing, playing my game and I hear Lindsay scream a horrifying scream. I quickly spun around in the chair and I saw Lindsay with her face stuck in the dogs mouth. I freaked out and punched my dog(Aimee, a 9yr old usually-friendly beagle) in her head to get her off. I scooped Lindsay(who is almost 5 and such a little sweetie) up and she had that "I need to scream and cry but my breath won't come out" look on her face along with a LOT of blood. I was already frantic and crying by this point, holding Lindsay like a baby. She had puddles of blood coming out of her mouth and nose and everytime she let a scream out in between sobs, blood would splatter all over her and me. I was screaming "NO NO HELP ME HELP ME" and crying hysterically. I knew I had to call 911 right away so I went to grab my cell phone that was sitting right there on the computer desk. So I picked it up and the screen was blank and I couldn't get it to turn on. So I threw my cell phone on the ground and ran for the cordless phone(the only other phone nearby) in the kitchen(still holding poor Lindsay, who luckily was conscious) I go to pick up the cordless and it didn't work, it said "Out of Range" on the caller ID screen. It all felt like a bad dream). So I frantically dropped the phone on the ground and ran out the side door(which is our main door) because I saw that my neighbors were home. I went out the door running with Lindsay in my arms cradle-position and because my driveway is a big swampy mud puddle, I slipped and fell on top of Lindsay(thank god I didn't hurt her). I get back up screaming and crying and starting to hyperventilate, scoop her up(she's still screaming) and run up to my neighbor's side door that is directly across from my door. I started pounding on the door almost to the point of shattering their glass panels and there was no answer, so I turned the nob to see if it was unlocked and it wasn't. I stood there on the top step screaming out into the empty street "SOMEONE PLEASE HELP MEEE, HELP MEEEEEEEE HELP MEEEEEEE!" No one was around and then I remembered that my grandmom has her own phone in her room. So I ran back inside and ran into my grandmoms room(Karma was screaming in her high chair because she was scared and Lindsay still gushing blood from her face), grabbed the cordless phone and ran out to the kitchen. I sat Lindsay down in the chair making sure that she wouldn't fall over, so that I could call 911. I dialed 911 and I was still screaming HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME and really hyperventilating by this point. The dispatcher answered with a nice calm voice and he asked what had happened(I was frantic, so he hadn't had a chance to say the normal "911 - is this an emergency?). I told him what happened and he asked all the normal questions(is she conscious, ect.) Then he told me to carry her to the carpet, lay her on her side and apply pressure to the wounds with a towell. So I carry her over and I couldn't tell where the bites were through all of the blood so I told her to put it where it hurts and hold it there tight. She was a good girl and did that. The dispatcher was so nice, I really don't know how he stayed calm with me freaking out. I could never do that job(imagine getting one scary phone call after another and have to stay calm and never know what happened to the person after you hang up). I kept yelling "ARE THEY ON THEIR WAY!!?!!!!" over and over and a lot of other things. He asked me if I also needed an ambulance because I was having an asthma attack on top of my hyperventilating. I said no and that I was fine and all I wanted was someone to help my niece(I actually said "my baby"). So anyway I'm sitting on the floor next to Lindsay who was still laying on her side bleeding and hysterical, and I hear a knock at the door. I screamed COME IN COME IN! I thought it was the paramedics and it was actually my neighbor(the same one that I was pounding on his door). I guess he decided to come out because he saw the ambulance pull up. Soon after he came in the paramedics and police came in. I stepped back and I was still freaking and there was Sean Wentz(or maybe it was his brother, I'm not sure but anyway I used to work with him and had a huge crush on him at the time). He asked me a few questions and then he left. The paramedics were still looking at Lindsay(checking her heart rate and everything) and one of them went to go get the stretcher. They put Lindsay on the stretcher and said that I could bring the baby in the ambulance, I just had to grab the car seat. So I grabbed Karma out of the high chair and grabbed the car seat and bolted out the door to the ambulance. The lady paramedic put the baby in the seat and buckled her up and I sat down and we left for the hospital. (I forgot to mention that after I got off the phone with the 911 dispatcher, I called my brother and my mom and my grandmom and let them all know) So I get out of the ambulance and the ER took Lindsay right back to a bed. She was sobbing but the bleeding slowed down a lot. So I was racking my brain on how to make her relax until the doctor came in. I kept saying things like "look at Karma".. "You're going to be ok".. "Daddy will be here soon".. but nothing would calm her down. Then a nice nurse walked in with 7 assorted Disney stickers with different characters on each one. PERFECT. So I sat there with her and the baby and finally calmed her down by asking her who was the little tiny fairy on Peter Pan's shoulder. When she muttered out "Tinkerbell"(the first words I heard her say since the attack) I started to tear up again. She could barely talk because now, the side of her face and lips were extremely swollen. I was still very scared and crying my eyes out, but Lindsay was getting much calmer. I was half relieved, half-heartbroken, but I was pulling it together. My mom(Lindsay's Maw-Maw) came in and she took one look at Lindsay and started sobbing hysterically. By this time, the nurses had already cleaned all the blood off her face and body and removed her blood-soaked clothes, so I can't imagine how she would have reacted if she would have seen her the way I did(I was scared to death before the paramedics got there because I thought she was going to die). I jumped up and squeezed my mom and she cried on my shoulder for a minute, then pulled herself together so she wouldn't get Lindsay scared again. Then the ER doctor came in and took a look at her and took her vitals again and said he was going to call the plastic surgeon and get her x-rayed to see if her sinuses were punctured. The doctor walked out and my mom said she needed to call Keith again to see where he was or if he was going to be able to come(he was at work). I dialed the phone for her and he walked in when I was going to hand it to her. He looked really upset but wanted to comfort his daughter. Lindsay was relieved to see him, so my mom and I went outside so she could call her friend at work to ask her to pick her up so she could get her car(she got a ride there from a friend because she was too hysterical to drive after I talked to her). I smoked a cigarette and then we went back in. When we approached the room we heard Lindsay scream and I almost fell to my knees because it was the same terrifying scream she let out when the dog was attached to her face. The nurse told us not to go in there because they were trying to give her a needle with medicine to sedate her. We were waiting for about a minute and the plastic surgeon came. He said that they were going to stitch up the wounds with dissolving stitches and that she was going to be alright. She had 6 puncture wounds, one on her cheek, one inside her mouth and the rest on that skin in between your upper lip and nose. I went in to give her a big, but gentle hug and kiss her other cheek before the medicine kicked in. I had to go home so I could be there for Heather(my niece who is almost 6) to pick her up from school at 3:30(it was like 1:45 by this time). My mom's friend Valerie drove me and Karma home. She came in and helped me clean up the mess(bloody towels and the leftover lunch) I was such a mess but I didn't want to keep crying for no reason so I started cleaning the house like a crazy woman to keep myself occupied. After about 15 minutes I had the house looking good, so I decided to smoke a cigarette and take a shower since I still had time before Heather was done school. I went in the bathroom and looked in the mirror and saw all this blood in my hair and on my sweatshirt. I started sobbing again quietly, my heart was breaking for Lindsay. I stripped my clothes off and jumped in the shower, crying the whole time, wishing it would have been me that Aimee bit. No child deserves that trauma. I got out of the shower, got into clean clothes and left a message for my step-dad at work. The baby fell asleep and Valerie offered to go get Heather for me. We had decided not to scare her and just tell her that Lindsay was at the doctors with Daddy. So about an hour or so after that(around 4) Lindsay and my mom and my brother came home. I saw them pull up and I ran to the door to see what condition Lindsay was in. She walked in with her puffy stitched face and gave me a big hug. I started to cry and wouldn't let her go. When we stopped hugging she said, "I look like a kitty cat, MEOW!"(cuz her face was swollen) I laughed and it made me feel a lot better to know she was ok and almost back to herself. Then my mom started crying and said that we would have to put Aimee to sleep. I started crying but I knew it was her time to go because she has had tumors all over her body for like 3 years now and had crippling arthritis. The fact is, she lived in pain every day. That is the reason why she started snapping on the kids(she bit Heathers face in October but it didn't require stitches). I think what happened was that Lindsay snuck up to Aimee while she was napping in front of the television and hugged her(like she always does even though we ALWAYS tell her that Aimee could bite her). I think Lindsay may have accidentally put pressure on Aimee's large tumor(almost tennis ball size)on the back of her neck and she snapped. It was nobody's fault(even though I felt like it was mine all day because I was the adult that was supervising). So anyway, my step-dad walked in and he and my mom went into the bedroom and I could hear her crying. She came out and I hugged her tight and she told me they were taking her to the vet to get put to sleep. I went to the kitchen and grabbed french fries that were leftover from the happy meals the kids brought home with them after the hospital, and went into the bedroom and fed them to Aimee. She was so happy at that moment and I started rubbing her back and scratching her and she was rolling around like a puppy and making cute noises. It reminded me of how she was when she was little and how sweet and playful she was before she got sick. I knew that was my last goodbye even though I didn't officially say the word "goodbye". I just couldn't say goodbye because I couldn't cry because I had to hold it together for my mom. My mom grabbed Aimee's leash(sobbing) and chained her up and walked out the door with her. I went into the bathroom, called Maurese and lost it. I thought I would have handled it better because I've known it was coming for so long, I just didn't know that it would be like this. My doggie that I've loved since I was 12 years old is gone. She's never coming back. She was part of my family. I feel lifeless right now, I want to just wake up and be like "damn that was a fucked up dream" and go about my day. I know that everything that happened today is going to affect me for a long time and haunt my memories. Everytime I am by myself, the whole chain of events from lunchtime before Lindsay got mauled to the time my dog went out the door for the last time(a 5-hour time period) plays over and over in my head. I see flashes of short pictures of the things that happened and I start crying again. I'll never forget every single detail of this day.

I'm so sad, taking some sleeping pills and going to sleep. I'm so scared I am going to have nightmares just like my mental pictures I keep getting. I'm afraid to go to sleep. I wish I wasn't alone. goodnight.