what's with me and the way i've been lately...?
the subject line sums it up i suppose. i've been crazy lately. spastic to say the least. kinda like a fish out of water i guess. for the past week or so, i've been doing everything ass backwards and at high speed. i rarely stop to think anymore, and even if i did, it probably wouldn't make much of a difference anyway, because i never have listened to myself before, why start now, eh?
i think that there's a good possibility that i need to see a psychologist. now, don't get me wrong...this isn't some kind of desperate cry for attention, if it was i would hardly use my lj to promote it, seeing as barely anyone reads it anymore, and i'm not trying to say that i'm insane or suicidal or anything like, but as most people know, i'm not the most optimistic person, and i'm rarely in a good mood now-a-days, and i remember a time when i used to be, and personally, i want to know why that all changed. and if i could figure it out on my own, well...well then i wouldn't be in this damned situation in the first place, right? right. not to mention, if i could figure it all out on my own, i would be pursuing a career in psychology instead of history ed, but in all seriousness, anyone who knows me well enough, knows that i have killer mood swings at even the slightest drop of a dime, and honestly, lately they've gotten worse. it's come to the point where i'll flat out knowingly hurt my family's feelings because of the things that i say, and then 10 minutes later, when i snap out of my mood, i start apologizing like crazy. and i dunno, maybe this all just sounds like the rantings of a bitter and confused 19 year old girl, but something's not right, and i'm sick of making other people pay for the way i think, if that makes any sense. all my family has done for 19 years is take care of me, and they shouldn't have to put up with the shit i put them through at least once a day.
with that set aside, i had a pretty shitty day today (what a effin surprise there, right? lol). although, now that i'm looking back on it, a lot of things that needed to be said were finally said, and even though right now i feel kinda like shit, i know that it's all just a phase that i'm going through (hell, there's a good chance that i'll be over it by morning) and in the end, things are going to work out just fine (for once?). i realized today, that although i've spent my life trying to teach people valuable lessons from their mistakes, someone unknowingly beat me at my own game and taught me a few of my own. and it's not even important what they were, or why they were important. what really matters is that i know them, and that today i've grown up just a tiney bit more.
i've been listening to this one song a lot lately. it's a song called 'shine' from mtv's wuthering heights soundtrack. now it could just be my love for acousitc guitar, or it could be that i'm a bit touched by the song itself, but it've listened to the lyrics so much i could probably sing the song in my sleep. (as seen in my last deleted entry), 'some days you're shadow, some days you shine, some days you're gutter, other days you're shrine, some days you're armoured, some days you're naked, one day you feel it, next day you fake it..." in the simplest words, that is the most complicated truth, isn't it? heh, i wish i knew where i was going with all of that. i guess i'm just feeling a bit deep right now. and not to mention, it's not everyday that i write a journal entry that actually explains what i'm feeling, is it? regardless, that song makes a lot of sense to the way i'm feeling now, and i love hearing a song, and just feeling like it's sole purpose in life was to be written for me and me alone. it's kinda like sitting in a waiting room, it's always more fun when there's music playing, right? such as life, i guess.
well, until next time, do enjoy.
i think that there's a good possibility that i need to see a psychologist. now, don't get me wrong...this isn't some kind of desperate cry for attention, if it was i would hardly use my lj to promote it, seeing as barely anyone reads it anymore, and i'm not trying to say that i'm insane or suicidal or anything like, but as most people know, i'm not the most optimistic person, and i'm rarely in a good mood now-a-days, and i remember a time when i used to be, and personally, i want to know why that all changed. and if i could figure it out on my own, well...well then i wouldn't be in this damned situation in the first place, right? right. not to mention, if i could figure it all out on my own, i would be pursuing a career in psychology instead of history ed, but in all seriousness, anyone who knows me well enough, knows that i have killer mood swings at even the slightest drop of a dime, and honestly, lately they've gotten worse. it's come to the point where i'll flat out knowingly hurt my family's feelings because of the things that i say, and then 10 minutes later, when i snap out of my mood, i start apologizing like crazy. and i dunno, maybe this all just sounds like the rantings of a bitter and confused 19 year old girl, but something's not right, and i'm sick of making other people pay for the way i think, if that makes any sense. all my family has done for 19 years is take care of me, and they shouldn't have to put up with the shit i put them through at least once a day.
with that set aside, i had a pretty shitty day today (what a effin surprise there, right? lol). although, now that i'm looking back on it, a lot of things that needed to be said were finally said, and even though right now i feel kinda like shit, i know that it's all just a phase that i'm going through (hell, there's a good chance that i'll be over it by morning) and in the end, things are going to work out just fine (for once?). i realized today, that although i've spent my life trying to teach people valuable lessons from their mistakes, someone unknowingly beat me at my own game and taught me a few of my own. and it's not even important what they were, or why they were important. what really matters is that i know them, and that today i've grown up just a tiney bit more.
i've been listening to this one song a lot lately. it's a song called 'shine' from mtv's wuthering heights soundtrack. now it could just be my love for acousitc guitar, or it could be that i'm a bit touched by the song itself, but it've listened to the lyrics so much i could probably sing the song in my sleep. (as seen in my last deleted entry), 'some days you're shadow, some days you shine, some days you're gutter, other days you're shrine, some days you're armoured, some days you're naked, one day you feel it, next day you fake it..." in the simplest words, that is the most complicated truth, isn't it? heh, i wish i knew where i was going with all of that. i guess i'm just feeling a bit deep right now. and not to mention, it's not everyday that i write a journal entry that actually explains what i'm feeling, is it? regardless, that song makes a lot of sense to the way i'm feeling now, and i love hearing a song, and just feeling like it's sole purpose in life was to be written for me and me alone. it's kinda like sitting in a waiting room, it's always more fun when there's music playing, right? such as life, i guess.
well, until next time, do enjoy.