(no subject)
*sigh* I don't understand this. I just....it's like, once I try, I'm fucking knocked down again. I was SO fucking happy today, I just woke up smiling, it was like my world had suddenly changed....and when I got home, my mom gave me terrible news. I can't say what it is. But my family is falling apart. It's like I don't even have a brother anymore....it's hard, growing up with Evan, because I never really knew how he felt about me. He always told me he fucking hated me and wanted me to die, but I just can't believe that. How could anyone? You're supposed to always be there for your siblings, having your family to fall back on when the world is fucked up, but it was always like my family was the reason my world was fucked up in the first place. I mean, it hurts me how Evan just doesn't understand anyone, and he wont let anyone understand him. I just want him to be okay. Maybe he doesn't believe it, but I want him to be okay. I want him to be happy. I love him, he's my brother. I always say I hate him, and in different ways, I do. But you just can't treat your family like that. He's ruined my family, whats left of it, and I don't think I can forgive him for that. Maybe he thinks we ruined his life, but he fabricated this world of hate. If he just tried, for once, maybe he could be happy. I know he could. He could go so far, because he is talented in his own ways. He is an amazing person, as is everyone, and it just saddens me that he throws all this away. He has so much. I know kids who fucking go to bed crying because they don't have anything close as to what me and Evan have. We have a fantastical and loving family, my dad has a great job, and we get whatever we want because our parents do love us, and they would do anything to make us happy. But he continues to not believe we slightly do care about him. And I'm fucking sick of it. I'm sick of not knowing what my brother is up to, where he's sleeping tonight, if he's going to get to eat today. He has such a great home, and I don't see why he needs to live elsewhere. I do enjoy him gone most of the time, because he is horrible to live with, with his fucking dime a dozen miseries. He needs to smarten up and realize what he fucking has.