(no subject)
It seems that right now, EVERYTHING is totally wrong. It's like things get better, then all of a sudden, I can't even stand it anymore. I hate this. I hate it so fucking much. I don't understand....it's like...I feel like I'm going to give up again. I've been pretty good for about a week, ever since Denver, but now it's like I've got a new problem. So maybe it's not new, but just resurfacing. A lot of things are. I feel like I let my guard down, with letting go and finally being happy, and now I'm being punished for it. I'm not supposed to be happy. I never was. And it's killing me. Maybe I'm killing me. Great, now I'm crying. I'm just so sick of all this stupid shit happening over and over again.....WILL IT EVER FUCKING GO AWAY? No. I know it won't. But I still need to accept that. I need to stop pretending I'm happy. Because I know I'm not, I just like to trick myself. I like to make believe that I'm still alive. That I still understand what it's like to be happy. I know I never will, but atleast I can say I am, and save everyone the misery.
Evan, do you think you could just stop lieing to me? I think it's time you realize what life is about. And you're never going to get it better than this.