(Untitled)
I've never been alone in a room with a dead person for this long. It's a little scary because all I keep thinking about is how we were just talking a little while ago. She was okay one minute and dead the next. I wish I could have helped her. I can admit to being a little selfish; Andi was the only person here besides Lorne who I liked talking to.
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Taking something...it sounds like stealing. I know that Andi has no use for any of her belongings now, but who am I to take something of hers? We weren't close. We understood each other better than most people do when they first meet, but I don't think I can consider myself a friend to her. I helped her once, we talked and got along. My track record with everyone else around here is getting so bad that me 'getting along' with anyone feels like an accomplishment, and makes the loss of someone I knew that much greater.
"When my dad died, it was really hard to accept. He'd loomed so large in my life, influencing everything I did, his opinion had meant so much to me. And then, he was gone. Just like that. Murdered by some vampires, and there wasn't thing I could have done to stop it."
I nodded, thinking about the loss of my own parents. My father wanted to influence me, but I never let his opinions count. I knew that his soul was black, that there wasn't anything inside of him that wanted anything more than complete success in his professional life. I never felt like a daughter to him, but it didn't bother me. I accepted my place and didn't let his life mix with mine except for social functions and holiday gatherings. He hated my boyfriend, my choice in extracurricular activities, my attitude...but he never cared enough to do anything about it. I liked knowing that I could annoy him by being myself. When he died I didn't feel helpless, I felt relieved.
I didn't think he could be saved. What's the point in saving someone's life when all that person is going to do is ruin someone else's? I would never truly believe the idea that someone doesn't have the right to live. It's not my place to make that judgement. I just think that had he survived, more people would have paid the price. His death didn't slow down Wolfram & Hart, but it ended their involvement in my life. I didn't have to be the sweet teenage daughter anymore or worry about the type of people my father was representing.
To this day I still think I'm better off like this.
"I was so angry that he'd left me. And at Angel for letting him be taken from me. I nearly threw everything out, gave away all of dad's momentos to his pals in the force. Boxed it or burnt it all. It was too painful to have to be reminded of the fact that the one man who had always been there was no longer in my life. But I saved his retirement watch. And I'm really glad I did. It means a lot to me. And it helps me to remember why I loved him, I can touch it, speak to it. It's a part of who he was. Just like this is a part of who Andi was."
Seeing Andi's picture gave me the closest thing I'd felt to comfort all night. I'd spent so much time looking at her lifeless body, but it wasn't her. The girl in the photograph is Andi. That's who she was. Who she always will be. Death can't change that, the same way it can't make all of the good things people told me about my father true.
"I lost my father to vampires too. Both of my parents, actually. They crashed a business gathering in our wine cellar, killed all but two people. I didn't love him though, either of them really. When I heard they were gone, I just went on with my life."
Moved out, found a roommate, tried to make things as normal as possible. I didn't see it as murder, it felt more like justice. The inevitable had happened, I didn't have to wait for it anymore.
"This is different for me, you know? The more I think of how incredible Andi was, the more I wish she was still here."
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