A Big Decision
I gave Tara one last hug before walking over to where Wes and Fred were at. Fred didn't seem to mind me being there - in fact she had some goofy grin - and yeah, I knew I'd have to talk with her later. But as she got up and left me alone with my boyfriend, I grabbed his hand and squeezed it once to let him know I was ok. Actually, better than ok.
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He looked particularly thoughtful when I'd mentioned the truth spell, but thankfully, didn't press me for any more answers other than the ones I'd given. Honestly, I wasn't ready to talk to him about the guns just yet. Train with them? Yes. Heck, I'd held the gun a whopping total of one time, and that was it.
I'd wanted a different way of fighting off this darkness. And, well, if he wasn't going to train me then... well, that talk with Tara had put a whole different idea into my head about how we could win this thing.
"Connor... particularly after what Angelus did to him... has never felt entirely at home here at the hotel, among us. With the possible exception of Cordelia, that is. She might even know something of his whereabouts. Andrew... I'm afraid I'm at a loss."
I nodded, not liking his answer but knowing that was the only one we had. "Yeah. Me too. At a loss, I mean." And Cordelia, as much as we didn't get along, wouldn't hide Connor from us or lie about him. So I doubted that after her big get-back-together with Wes and Fred that she'd know where Connor was at and not say something.
Andrew... God, for all I knew Connor had eaten him.
I pressed the flat of my palm against my eyes, sighing at all of this. And then realizing I'd just asked Wes a crapload of questions and he was probably still under the spell. "Oh God, Wes, I'm sorry, I hadn't meant to--"
"As I translated the additional text, Connor was the only solution to the prophesy. But if you're right and I was wrong, and losing Connor doesn't imply that we've lost that particular trump card, then we would be left with the two souled vampires definitely on The First's side, Angelus and Spike, who are of no use to us..."
My head rose for a second as I interjected, "Technically, only Angel's soul is lost forever. Spike still has his soul as far as we know only... he's all evil so it really doesn't matter. Nevermind. Keep talking."
"We would need an ensouled vampire, of which I believe we're now left exactly none. Unless we made one."
I licked my lips and said nothing as Wes just stared at me, the smile on his face disappearing at my silence.
"What are you thinking?"
"I'm thinking," I whispered just as quietly back at him, "that we're losing this war. And that is unacceptable."
Our eyes met and I drew a deep breath. No turning back now, after all.
"I'm thinking that you're right. We don't have one anymore... unless we make one. Think about it, Wes. Whose to say that prophecy is perfectly accurate anyways? We can make it work for us, though, instead of waiting around for someone to be named the newest Champion. We make the rules around here, not... not pieces of old paper."
"So I say we make ourselves a new Champion. A new vamp with a soul, one we know will fight for our side, no questions asked, one we can count on. One who won't be going around trying to 'find himself' while people are dying. We do it. Willow knows the spell to re-ensoul a vamp from high school! Wes, it's all here before us. And there's only one person who can do it, who'll be willing to do it..." I finally paused for a breath.
"Me."
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"Yeah. Me too. At a loss, I mean."
Nodding along with Buffy, I considered the young man, certainly more thoughtfully and thoroughly than I had before. Almost everything I knew aobut Andrew Wells came from the impressions of others, from what people such as Buffy and Dawn and a thousand years ago, even Spike when he'd arrived at the Hyperion as an ally, not an enemy. I didn't know him, and now the odds I could calculate were clear-- he was gone.
Another crime The First must be made to answer for. Another failure. Another reason to keep fighting.
Something surprised Buffy, and she was suddenly apologetic.
"Oh God, Wes, I'm sorry, I hadn't meant to--"
Ahh, I thought-- she'd realised just how inquisitive she'd been. After so long under the spell, though, I'd become more adept at streamlining the responses that were forced out of myself.
"Technically, only Angel's soul is lost forever. Spike still has his soul as far as we know only... he's all evil so it really doesn't matter. Nevermind. Keep talking."
I continued theorising, approaching the situation as a thought problem, a way to think out ideas that could come in handy in a practical application. Finally, I looked to Buffy for her opinion.
"I'm thinking, that we're losing this war. And that is unacceptable."
"Agreed," I said immediately.
"I'm thinking that you're right... Think about it, Wes. Who's to say that prophecy is perfectly accurate anyways? We can make it work for us... We make the rules around here... not pieces of old paper. So I say we make ourselves a new Champion. A new vamp with a soul, one we know will fight for our side, no questions asked, one we can count on... We do it. Willow knows the spell to re-ensoul a vamp from high school! Wes, it's all here before us. And there's only one person who can do it, who'll be willing to do it..."
I leaned forward, eyebrows raised.
"Me."
I was stunned speechless. Staring back at Buffy, I let out a long, slow breath.
"You almost had me there," I said finally. "For a moment, I thought you were--"
Stopping suddenly at the look in Buffy's eyes, I was stunned again.
"Absolutely out of the question," I managed to spit out. "That solution is unacceptable."
I leaned forward again, attempting to press my point home.
"After thousands of years, we still have no idea of the exact mechanics of the siring of a vampire. The transformation of a mortal's personality into the behaviours of a vamprie is a process no one understands, and can't possibly predict. The illogic of sacrificing our best, most experienced warrior aside, there's no way to guarantee even in the smallest bit that the resultant Slayer-Vampire hybrid will be even remotely controllable, let alone still be you."
Finding myself getting more and more breathless, I tried to slow down my respiration and the thudding, racing heart in my chest. It didn't work.
"And might I add that the re-ensouling spell has been successful once and has failed twice?"
Sighing, I lowered my head into my hands.
"Lastly... and you know what my priorities are, but I still need to say it... you're talking about killing yourself, Buffy, make no bones about it. I refuse to watch you die, not when I can do something about it."
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"You almost had me there. For a moment, I thought you were--"
I just raised an eyebrow and stayed quiet. He had to have known I was serious. He must've known.
"Absolutely out of the question. That solution is unacceptable."
"I knew you'd think that," I whispered back, not because I was afraid of anyone overhearing, but somehow our little discussion had turned incredibly intimate. I knew why he didn't want me to do this... but I also knew it was our Ace in the Hole, so to speak.
"The illogic of sacrificing our best, most experienced warrior aside, there's no way to guarantee even in the smallest bit that the resultant Slayer-Vampire hybrid will be even remotely controllable, let alone still be you."
My hands reached out and grasped his as if that would somehow comfort him. "Wes, I'll be fine. Really. I get vamped, Willow poofs the soul back in me, everything will be fine. Think about this - logically. We haven't been able to defeat The First, Angelus keeps killing our people, Connor is missing, and Faith..." Were we going to go there again?
"... Faith is a Slayer-Vamp who we already know is stronger than any vamp we've faced. We need one just as strong - if not stronger - than her to win. That would leave me."
We weren't going to turn an inexperienced Slayer, no way. Couldn't he see this was the only way?
"And might I add that the re-ensouling spell has been successful once and has failed twice?"
"I trust Willow," I said simply, and I did. After everything we'd been through, after all our fights and hugs, I knew she'd come out of this stronger than before. "She can do it, Wes. You can be there to help her, even, if it'll make you feel better." I half-smiled.
"I'll be fine... I'm in good hands."
He pulled away from me and his eyes looked so lost. I didn't know what else to say to convince him - wasn't this exactly what he'd been hammering home to me all the time? That here in L.A. you had to fight things a little bit differently?
"Lastly... you're talking about killing yourself, Buffy, make no bones about it. I refuse to watch you die, not when I can do something about it."
"You don't have to be there to watch it happen," I whispered, this time my eyes turning away. "Look, if it'll make you feel better, we'll get Harmony to turn me, cuz... c'mon. It's Harmony." I chuckled a bit at that, since I realized there was another vamp we could use for this to work... but Harmony? Yeah, right.
"And, hey - it's not like I haven't died before. Twice."
I should be used to it by now. Just dig a grave for me and everytime I die, change the date on the headstone.
"I love you, Wes. I do... but you know just as well as I do that we're losing and this is the only way... I'm the only one." It wasn't like I wasn't scared of the thought or anything - heck I was petrified. But, greater good and all...
"I am going to talk to Willow about this, whether you want me to or not. I just... would really like you to be there for me... y'know. Just in case."
Finally looking up at him, I brushed aside his hands and cupped his face with mine.
"I'll still be Buffy. I'll still be the girl from Sunnydale who loves you. Only... well, without a pulse." Seeing that my jokes weren't working, I sighed and kissed him.
"Hey, if you've got a better idea, I'm all ears, but I've thought about this. We need a Champion with the... loss of Connor. And I need you and Willow standing by this decision for the good of everyone here... and for me."
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"How could I think otherwise?" I all but hissed, the entire conversation suddenly low and intensely private, despite our being alone in the room.
"Wes, I'll be fine. Really. I get vamped, Willow poofs the soul back in me, everything will be fine. Think about this - logically. We haven't been able to defeat The First, Angelus keeps killing our people, Connor is missing, and Faith... Faith is a Slayer-Vamp who we already know is stronger than any vamp we've faced. We need one just as strong - if not stronger - than her to win. That would leave me."
I shook my head vehemently, my eyes narrowing. I would not, could not allow this to happen. There wasn't, as far as I was concerned, even the slightest reason to even entertain the idea.
"And yet you'd put such a massive gap in our defenses by removing yourself from our ranks? You cannot possibly be certain that a vampire version of you would not switch sides in a moment."
"I trust Willow... She can do it, Wes. You can be there to help her... I'll be fine... I'm in good hands. You don't have to be there to watch it happen... And, hey - it's not like I haven't died before. Twice."
I felt the worst of chills pass down my spine and from where I sat, stunned and aghast and bordering on furious, I gave the coldest look I had at her.
"Don't you dare make light of this, Buffy. Not this."
"I love you, Wes. I do... but you know just as well as I do that we're losing and this is the only way... I'm the only one. I am going to talk to Willow about this, whether you want me to or not. I just... would really like you to be there for me... y'know. Just in case."
Buffy's hands crept up onto my face, holding it still so she could stare intently at me. There wasn't the slightest hesitation or doubt in her mind. But it didn't matter. This couldn't happen.
"There is always a way. There has to be something else, somehow..."
My mind began to whirl, straining to find the wildest, most desperate idea I would ever have.
"I'll still be Buffy. I'll still be the girl from Sunnydale who loves you. Only... well, without a pulse."
I frowned at the further attempt at levity, and Buffy understood. She kissed me, and I felt almost as if she were saying goodbye.
"Hey, if you've got a better idea, I'm all ears, but I've thought about this. We need a Champion with the... loss of Connor. And I need you and Willow standing by this decision for the good of everyone here... and for me."
My head dropped to my chest. There had to be one last gambit, one final desperate chance to take. I could feel it in my mind, taking shape, but just out of reach of my conscious mind. I just needed to reach. I almost had it.
Then I looked up at Buffy, madness just starting to color my eyes dark.
((end of scene))
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