Suffocating
I have to vent. It's your choice if you read beyond this point. I'm not forcing anyone to read this, I just need to get this all out or else I'm going to have a nervous breakdown or something. I'm guessing if you've read this far, you have decided to read my rant. Here goes:
Over the course of the past two weeks, I have discovered what being suffocated feels like. I haven't had a chance to breathe since school started and my body is starting to fail me. This past Wednesday I had to stop. I missed two classes because I just couldn't go. I was lacking sleep, food, and whatever else you can think of. (and I had a dentist appointment that conflicted with my last class of the day but that's besides the point). Due to my absence from these two classes, I now have to catch up. I have a shit load of homework for Accounting which I don't even know if I'll understand how to do since I was absent for the lesson. I also discovered today that I have an assignment for another class in which I have to work with a partner. I'm sure all my friends already are working with someone else so I'll now be stuck working with some loser that I am incapable of communicating with.
What about when I'm not in school? Well, I work. I have tried to squeeze in working whenever and where ever I can (Tuesday mornings, Thursday (my one full day off of school), & Saturdays) and I normally work 4-8 hour shifts. I have to work these shifts. If I don't, I can't support myself. I would be broke. Now I'm not saying I hate my job. I love every second of it (except for rude customers....... which is another story for another time). I have tried to make myself available as much as possible to keep my manager happy. I don't work evenings so I can give myself time for homework if needed or anything else that I want to do. Sunday is the one and ONLY day I have off from anything. No school. No work. Nothing. However, I discover yesterday that next week I have a staff meeting at 7:30AM on SUNDAY. Yes. Sunday. This means that during the course of all next week, I will not have one day to sleep in. Not one. Monday I have class at 8:30am. Tuesday I work at 7:45am. Wednesday is class at 8:30am. Thursday is work at 9am. Friday is class at 10:30am (okay that one isn't too bad). Saturday I work at 8:45am. Then come Sunday it's 7:30am. Repeat the following week. Is it just me or can you just see the pressure marks on my neck. When is there time to kick back and enjoy myself? Intoxication isn't even a possibility for the next god only knows how long. And sleep? Who ever heard of such a thing? It doesn't happen with me. I get 4-6 hours MAX a night (if I'm lucky). Most of the time, my slumber is drug induced (sleepy pills -- don't worry I'm not a crazy drug addict or something). Then it's up the next morning, guzzling down the coffee. The cycle continues.
What about family? My sister has asked if I come to Markham Fair on Friday or Saturday night next week. Saturday I can't because I'm going to see the TSO play another Beethoven symphony. Friday is a maybe. I miss my sister. I haven't had much of a chance to spend time with her or talk with her since she got back from Germany at the end of August. Our schedules are so different that, at this point, I can't see us having any spare time together except come Thanksgiving. I miss my mother also. I'd love to go shopping with her or watch all the Gilmore Girls boxsets I just got with her but, again, I have no time to spare. When my grandma was here, I only was able to see her one night. She had wanted to see me again before she left but I just didn't have the time.
The past two weeks also feels like the least I've seen my boyfriend in the past month. I feel like Paul and I haven't had a moment to breathe together. Of course we still see eachother as often as we can. Paul is the one person who keeps me going. He is the one who I feel is constantly supporting me and getting me through the day. The one thing that I miss is being able to sit with him, just us together in the same room. Or just enjoy watching something together alone in the same room without having to worry about a time limit or an early morning the next day. I feel so pressed for time whenever I'm with him now so I have to take in as much as possible before the night is over. Plus, with everything else on my plate, I'm not always the most pleasant person when I'm around him. So this impedes our time together as well.
Last night I felt something I hope I never have to feel again. His face was not welcoming anymore. It felt like my chest was being crushed by ten thousand bricks. Paul was mad at me (for about a minute) but I have never felt so empty. The thought hit me like a punch in the face: What would happen if Paul ever did get seriously mad at me? How would I go about fixing something that I have wronged? What would I do? Who would I turn to? These thoughts had never crossed my mind because Paul and I have never truly been in a fight. It's scary to think how everything would fall apart right before my eyes in a heartbeat if that were to happen. That's why I'm trying my very best to keep things between Paul and I at the happiest level possible.
Clearly, I'm not adapting well to school this year. I've lost weight. I don't nearly eat as much as I did before school started. I don't have time to eat properly. When I do eat, I eat very little or just plain junk food. If things keep going like this, my health is going to fail (I'm already waking up with a stuffy nose). I'll get sick and that will only lead to having to call in sick at work which will cause a drop in income which I can't afford right now. I have bills to pay, my own stomach to feed (and occasionally Paul's), gas to put in my car (thank god the prices are low), and whatever else to buy.
This Sunday I long for. It couldn't come any slower. I have to make it through today and another day at work tomorrow. Quite honestly, I deserve this day of nothing. I plan to sleep in, wake up to my loving boy by my side, and own the day. It's going to be fantastic.
I'm getting by, but barely. And school is only 3 weeks in. I can't wait for the work to start piling up.
Over the course of the past two weeks, I have discovered what being suffocated feels like. I haven't had a chance to breathe since school started and my body is starting to fail me. This past Wednesday I had to stop. I missed two classes because I just couldn't go. I was lacking sleep, food, and whatever else you can think of. (and I had a dentist appointment that conflicted with my last class of the day but that's besides the point). Due to my absence from these two classes, I now have to catch up. I have a shit load of homework for Accounting which I don't even know if I'll understand how to do since I was absent for the lesson. I also discovered today that I have an assignment for another class in which I have to work with a partner. I'm sure all my friends already are working with someone else so I'll now be stuck working with some loser that I am incapable of communicating with.
What about when I'm not in school? Well, I work. I have tried to squeeze in working whenever and where ever I can (Tuesday mornings, Thursday (my one full day off of school), & Saturdays) and I normally work 4-8 hour shifts. I have to work these shifts. If I don't, I can't support myself. I would be broke. Now I'm not saying I hate my job. I love every second of it (except for rude customers....... which is another story for another time). I have tried to make myself available as much as possible to keep my manager happy. I don't work evenings so I can give myself time for homework if needed or anything else that I want to do. Sunday is the one and ONLY day I have off from anything. No school. No work. Nothing. However, I discover yesterday that next week I have a staff meeting at 7:30AM on SUNDAY. Yes. Sunday. This means that during the course of all next week, I will not have one day to sleep in. Not one. Monday I have class at 8:30am. Tuesday I work at 7:45am. Wednesday is class at 8:30am. Thursday is work at 9am. Friday is class at 10:30am (okay that one isn't too bad). Saturday I work at 8:45am. Then come Sunday it's 7:30am. Repeat the following week. Is it just me or can you just see the pressure marks on my neck. When is there time to kick back and enjoy myself? Intoxication isn't even a possibility for the next god only knows how long. And sleep? Who ever heard of such a thing? It doesn't happen with me. I get 4-6 hours MAX a night (if I'm lucky). Most of the time, my slumber is drug induced (sleepy pills -- don't worry I'm not a crazy drug addict or something). Then it's up the next morning, guzzling down the coffee. The cycle continues.
What about family? My sister has asked if I come to Markham Fair on Friday or Saturday night next week. Saturday I can't because I'm going to see the TSO play another Beethoven symphony. Friday is a maybe. I miss my sister. I haven't had much of a chance to spend time with her or talk with her since she got back from Germany at the end of August. Our schedules are so different that, at this point, I can't see us having any spare time together except come Thanksgiving. I miss my mother also. I'd love to go shopping with her or watch all the Gilmore Girls boxsets I just got with her but, again, I have no time to spare. When my grandma was here, I only was able to see her one night. She had wanted to see me again before she left but I just didn't have the time.
The past two weeks also feels like the least I've seen my boyfriend in the past month. I feel like Paul and I haven't had a moment to breathe together. Of course we still see eachother as often as we can. Paul is the one person who keeps me going. He is the one who I feel is constantly supporting me and getting me through the day. The one thing that I miss is being able to sit with him, just us together in the same room. Or just enjoy watching something together alone in the same room without having to worry about a time limit or an early morning the next day. I feel so pressed for time whenever I'm with him now so I have to take in as much as possible before the night is over. Plus, with everything else on my plate, I'm not always the most pleasant person when I'm around him. So this impedes our time together as well.
Last night I felt something I hope I never have to feel again. His face was not welcoming anymore. It felt like my chest was being crushed by ten thousand bricks. Paul was mad at me (for about a minute) but I have never felt so empty. The thought hit me like a punch in the face: What would happen if Paul ever did get seriously mad at me? How would I go about fixing something that I have wronged? What would I do? Who would I turn to? These thoughts had never crossed my mind because Paul and I have never truly been in a fight. It's scary to think how everything would fall apart right before my eyes in a heartbeat if that were to happen. That's why I'm trying my very best to keep things between Paul and I at the happiest level possible.
Clearly, I'm not adapting well to school this year. I've lost weight. I don't nearly eat as much as I did before school started. I don't have time to eat properly. When I do eat, I eat very little or just plain junk food. If things keep going like this, my health is going to fail (I'm already waking up with a stuffy nose). I'll get sick and that will only lead to having to call in sick at work which will cause a drop in income which I can't afford right now. I have bills to pay, my own stomach to feed (and occasionally Paul's), gas to put in my car (thank god the prices are low), and whatever else to buy.
This Sunday I long for. It couldn't come any slower. I have to make it through today and another day at work tomorrow. Quite honestly, I deserve this day of nothing. I plan to sleep in, wake up to my loving boy by my side, and own the day. It's going to be fantastic.
I'm getting by, but barely. And school is only 3 weeks in. I can't wait for the work to start piling up.