Blue Rhino Review
Jumping Jesus, can it be true? Can the Blue Rhino Review really be back? I thought the guy behind it all was too busy sipping Parisian coffee while following more intellectual pursuits. Could it be that he just hasn’t written one in a while?
Well, some of it had to do with money and my distinct lack of it, and some of it had to do with all the time I spend trying to write crappy plays that no one ever comes to see, but most of it is that I’m just a lazy fuck. I’ll try and be better.
I have been purchasing the occasional comic when I find the urge unbearable. Let’s take a look at some of my most recent pulls…
The Walking Dead #48
I think I’ve finally figured out what’s wrong with this book, and it’s not just that I can’t stand Robert Kirkman. It’s that he’s pretending to write a character-driven piece when, in the end, all it really is is a plot-driven work. All of the complaints I’ve had in the past about how the characters will suddenly lose their own voice in order to drive some point home all makes sense now. I know, I can’t believe it took me this long to figure it out, either.
Now, the plot isn’t half bad. Kirkman has his moments, despite being a total ass-hat. Some of the twists and turns have been interesting, but the thing is, he sees the whole story. He knows where we’re going next. And his work suffers for it, or more importantly, his characters suffer for it. They don’t live in Kirkman’s head, they don’t have their own voices whispering things in his ears at night. They just do what he tells them to do, and when he can’t figure out how to explain some “really cool” thing that he wants his readers to appreciate for his brilliance in coming up with it, he steals their voices and just tells us “oh, yeah, look at this, I mean, really, look at it, how smart am I? I’m so smart.”
So fuck you, Kirkman. I’ve got you figured out.
But overall, I’m actually kind of starting to enjoy elements of this book.
Casanova #13
“I come from the future to save you from boring.”
Really, if that line didn’t sell you on this whole book right there, then Casanova might not be the book for you. But if it hit you the same way that it hit me, then stop reading my stupid thoughts on this fantastic book and go out there and start spending $1.99 a month on the greatest thing to happen to comic books since, well, ever, I guess.
Fantastic Four #556
Do you remember back when Mark Millar used to be a writer? You know, before he spent all day navel-gazing and crunching numbers on how much more his book is selling than yours? I sure do miss those days.
A giant robot that can beat up anyone. A whole new planet that we can go to live on when our planet dies. Hot chicks in their underwear. I liked this whole story a lot more when I came up with it back when I was like ten.
And all I can imagine is Mark Millar, sitting at his computer and giggling while he writes all these “witty” lines that every character seems to have. It’s like my complaint with the book Candy Girl by Diablo Cody (which, up until now, you probably haven’t heard before since I’ve never really vocalized the complaint in any way), but, really, no one’s that “on” all the goddam time. I am the shining star in that beacon of truth. Every line, every comeback, every observation does not have to be the most brilliant thing ever spoken up until this point. Sometimes it can just be dialogue for dialogues sake, to fill in those spots between the good stuff so you’re not just eating frosting all day long.
Ultimate X-Men #92
More Robert Kirkman madness.
This is what it’s all been leading up to? This is his penultimate take on the Ultimate X-Universe? The rise of the Phoenix? Why can’t these writers just leave well enough alone? Mark Millar (this is back in those good Mark Millar days) told the best Phoenix story that could have been told in the Ultimate Universe way back in, like, issue 30. It was good. It had a beginning, middle and an end. It was startling satisfying for a character that has been beaten into the ground in the good ole 616 Marvel Universe.
But no, no, Kirkman’s got a better story to tell. You know, that one that Chris Claremont already told back in the eighties. Where Jean Grey tries and tries to keep it in, but so much baggage keeps getting heaped onto her that she eventually breaks and let’s the fowl beast out. And here’s the shocker of the whole thing, even for me, but goddammit if Chris Claremont didn’t actually write it better.
What?!? NO! It’s not possible. Did I just compliment Chris Claremont? Unforgiveable. Look what you made me do, Kirkman. You’ll pay for this.
Secret Invasion #1
…
Criminal 2 #2
Wha? Huh? You want to know what I thought about Criminal 2 #2? Why? Oh, because I’m doing a Blue Rhino Review. Sorry, I’m a little groggy when I first wake up, I must have gone under reading Secret Invasion #1.
But Criminal, well now, Criminal just makes me want to smile. I can’t get enough of this book. Brubaker needs to stop worrying about his superheroes and get down with his noir-side a bit more (his two best books are by far Criminal and Daredevil (which is, I know, a superhero book, but not the way Bru writes it)). And I know, his Captain America is a superhero book and yes, it is amazing, but nothing compared to this work.
If you’re the kind of person that thinks that James Patterson is the best thing to happen to crime storytelling, then this book isn’t for you. But if you’re the kind of person who’s still OK with not really knowing everything that happened in The Maltese Falcon and still being all right with that because it’s one of the best books you’ve ever read, then why aren’t you reading Criminal?
That’s it for now. I have more comic books, and I promise, I’ll start doing some more reviews. There’s gotta be another Kirkman book I can be disappointed in lying around here somewhere…
Well, some of it had to do with money and my distinct lack of it, and some of it had to do with all the time I spend trying to write crappy plays that no one ever comes to see, but most of it is that I’m just a lazy fuck. I’ll try and be better.
I have been purchasing the occasional comic when I find the urge unbearable. Let’s take a look at some of my most recent pulls…
The Walking Dead #48
I think I’ve finally figured out what’s wrong with this book, and it’s not just that I can’t stand Robert Kirkman. It’s that he’s pretending to write a character-driven piece when, in the end, all it really is is a plot-driven work. All of the complaints I’ve had in the past about how the characters will suddenly lose their own voice in order to drive some point home all makes sense now. I know, I can’t believe it took me this long to figure it out, either.
Now, the plot isn’t half bad. Kirkman has his moments, despite being a total ass-hat. Some of the twists and turns have been interesting, but the thing is, he sees the whole story. He knows where we’re going next. And his work suffers for it, or more importantly, his characters suffer for it. They don’t live in Kirkman’s head, they don’t have their own voices whispering things in his ears at night. They just do what he tells them to do, and when he can’t figure out how to explain some “really cool” thing that he wants his readers to appreciate for his brilliance in coming up with it, he steals their voices and just tells us “oh, yeah, look at this, I mean, really, look at it, how smart am I? I’m so smart.”
So fuck you, Kirkman. I’ve got you figured out.
But overall, I’m actually kind of starting to enjoy elements of this book.
Casanova #13
“I come from the future to save you from boring.”
Really, if that line didn’t sell you on this whole book right there, then Casanova might not be the book for you. But if it hit you the same way that it hit me, then stop reading my stupid thoughts on this fantastic book and go out there and start spending $1.99 a month on the greatest thing to happen to comic books since, well, ever, I guess.
Fantastic Four #556
Do you remember back when Mark Millar used to be a writer? You know, before he spent all day navel-gazing and crunching numbers on how much more his book is selling than yours? I sure do miss those days.
A giant robot that can beat up anyone. A whole new planet that we can go to live on when our planet dies. Hot chicks in their underwear. I liked this whole story a lot more when I came up with it back when I was like ten.
And all I can imagine is Mark Millar, sitting at his computer and giggling while he writes all these “witty” lines that every character seems to have. It’s like my complaint with the book Candy Girl by Diablo Cody (which, up until now, you probably haven’t heard before since I’ve never really vocalized the complaint in any way), but, really, no one’s that “on” all the goddam time. I am the shining star in that beacon of truth. Every line, every comeback, every observation does not have to be the most brilliant thing ever spoken up until this point. Sometimes it can just be dialogue for dialogues sake, to fill in those spots between the good stuff so you’re not just eating frosting all day long.
Ultimate X-Men #92
More Robert Kirkman madness.
This is what it’s all been leading up to? This is his penultimate take on the Ultimate X-Universe? The rise of the Phoenix? Why can’t these writers just leave well enough alone? Mark Millar (this is back in those good Mark Millar days) told the best Phoenix story that could have been told in the Ultimate Universe way back in, like, issue 30. It was good. It had a beginning, middle and an end. It was startling satisfying for a character that has been beaten into the ground in the good ole 616 Marvel Universe.
But no, no, Kirkman’s got a better story to tell. You know, that one that Chris Claremont already told back in the eighties. Where Jean Grey tries and tries to keep it in, but so much baggage keeps getting heaped onto her that she eventually breaks and let’s the fowl beast out. And here’s the shocker of the whole thing, even for me, but goddammit if Chris Claremont didn’t actually write it better.
What?!? NO! It’s not possible. Did I just compliment Chris Claremont? Unforgiveable. Look what you made me do, Kirkman. You’ll pay for this.
Secret Invasion #1
…
Criminal 2 #2
Wha? Huh? You want to know what I thought about Criminal 2 #2? Why? Oh, because I’m doing a Blue Rhino Review. Sorry, I’m a little groggy when I first wake up, I must have gone under reading Secret Invasion #1.
But Criminal, well now, Criminal just makes me want to smile. I can’t get enough of this book. Brubaker needs to stop worrying about his superheroes and get down with his noir-side a bit more (his two best books are by far Criminal and Daredevil (which is, I know, a superhero book, but not the way Bru writes it)). And I know, his Captain America is a superhero book and yes, it is amazing, but nothing compared to this work.
If you’re the kind of person that thinks that James Patterson is the best thing to happen to crime storytelling, then this book isn’t for you. But if you’re the kind of person who’s still OK with not really knowing everything that happened in The Maltese Falcon and still being all right with that because it’s one of the best books you’ve ever read, then why aren’t you reading Criminal?
That’s it for now. I have more comic books, and I promise, I’ll start doing some more reviews. There’s gotta be another Kirkman book I can be disappointed in lying around here somewhere…