The Eating Thing
I'm not ashamed to admit that when I went out to New York two years ago, I believed you could escape yourself, your past, your problems; that you could start a new life and become someone new. It's not that I didn't know all the adages debunking this widespread mantra of those who cry I'm Deep, really, I have Issues! but that at the time, any semblance of release from the pressure I was feeling I rapaciously grasped for with hands, feet, tailbone, and teeth. I had to believe, or else there would have been no way Out.
I can afford this "lack of shame" because I am now able to laugh, with you, at myself. If I am frank concerning a topic, it is the result of a personal paradigm shift. I have learned and grown, (although just what I have learned and how I have grown are...hm, up for contention?) I am now a frog in another well, slightly to the left.
What I believe now, is that although you can never escape who you are, a change of scenery can be helpful when you're trying to change the way you live.
So what I am trying to change here, during my stay in Maastricht, is the most fundamental element of how I live. For those of you who have asked me about it, I have been open about my eating disorder, because I had accepted it as a part of my life. Now that I have come to accept that it as an unnecessary and undesirable part of my life, I can be frank about it, period. Up until the day of my departure from the US I had been averaging, at the most conservative estimate, one purge per day for the past two years and three months. During that interval there have been a handful of "good weeks" (consisting of one purge a week) and many more "bad weeks," (averaging 3 purges a day, per week...you do the math while I take some Nexium) but all in all it's been fairly consistent.
Since I have been here in Maastricht, I have only made myself ill twice in the past four weeks. (Incidentally I cannot BELIEVE it's only been 4 weeks??) It's not the lack of availability or opportunity, because really these bathrooms and kitchens offer more privacy than my rooms in NYC ever did.
I am not past it, nor will I ever be. I used my Ed as crutch (a crutch which consumed my life, but a crutch nonetheless.) and it has been an emotional and physical dependency for over two years. That's longer than any relationship I've ever had, and to be frighteningly honest, my Ed has always been there for me, in a way that no person ever has. There will always be that risk of a regression, of another paradigm shift that draws me back into that comfortable pattern of behavior. Because at this point it is past "habit," it is what naturally occurs if I don't think about it, if I'm on autopilot, if I'm not consciously fighting against it every second of every day.
It's a cycle, like most things in life. Somehow, I've been able to break through it, to where the cycle draws you away from the center. Now that I have been doing it less, there are fewer positive reinforcements to help me justify my behavior.
The underlying self-image issues are still present; I'm just no longer cheating. I fight these demons just like every other "healthy" girl. I try to eat less, I try to work out, I try to not think about thinking that I'm fat or that other people are thinking that I'm fat or that my mom thinks I'm fat or my boyfriend is an insensitive tool. (My boyfriend isn't...just for the record, he's helped me get through this more than anybody, more than Mr. A even) I am no longer cheating myself, quite literally, out of life.
This is not to say that fighting Ed is my number one priority, because that addresses a completely different aspect. (Purpose v. change) My reason for being in Maastricht is my studies, uncontested, hands-down, numero uno. My second priority is to experience life, see a little bit of the world. My health affects my ability to fulfill all of these responsibilities, but in and of itself (in my opinion) has no place on this list. There was a time when my (lack of) health was my obsessive and singularly consuming thought in life. It is something that I need to integrate into my lifestyle, but I think healthy/unhealthy it should never be your purpose in life, and it is certainly not something I will allow to overshadow what I'm really here for.
I can afford this "lack of shame" because I am now able to laugh, with you, at myself. If I am frank concerning a topic, it is the result of a personal paradigm shift. I have learned and grown, (although just what I have learned and how I have grown are...hm, up for contention?) I am now a frog in another well, slightly to the left.
What I believe now, is that although you can never escape who you are, a change of scenery can be helpful when you're trying to change the way you live.
So what I am trying to change here, during my stay in Maastricht, is the most fundamental element of how I live. For those of you who have asked me about it, I have been open about my eating disorder, because I had accepted it as a part of my life. Now that I have come to accept that it as an unnecessary and undesirable part of my life, I can be frank about it, period. Up until the day of my departure from the US I had been averaging, at the most conservative estimate, one purge per day for the past two years and three months. During that interval there have been a handful of "good weeks" (consisting of one purge a week) and many more "bad weeks," (averaging 3 purges a day, per week...you do the math while I take some Nexium) but all in all it's been fairly consistent.
Since I have been here in Maastricht, I have only made myself ill twice in the past four weeks. (Incidentally I cannot BELIEVE it's only been 4 weeks??) It's not the lack of availability or opportunity, because really these bathrooms and kitchens offer more privacy than my rooms in NYC ever did.
I am not past it, nor will I ever be. I used my Ed as crutch (a crutch which consumed my life, but a crutch nonetheless.) and it has been an emotional and physical dependency for over two years. That's longer than any relationship I've ever had, and to be frighteningly honest, my Ed has always been there for me, in a way that no person ever has. There will always be that risk of a regression, of another paradigm shift that draws me back into that comfortable pattern of behavior. Because at this point it is past "habit," it is what naturally occurs if I don't think about it, if I'm on autopilot, if I'm not consciously fighting against it every second of every day.
It's a cycle, like most things in life. Somehow, I've been able to break through it, to where the cycle draws you away from the center. Now that I have been doing it less, there are fewer positive reinforcements to help me justify my behavior.
The underlying self-image issues are still present; I'm just no longer cheating. I fight these demons just like every other "healthy" girl. I try to eat less, I try to work out, I try to not think about thinking that I'm fat or that other people are thinking that I'm fat or that my mom thinks I'm fat or my boyfriend is an insensitive tool. (My boyfriend isn't...just for the record, he's helped me get through this more than anybody, more than Mr. A even) I am no longer cheating myself, quite literally, out of life.
This is not to say that fighting Ed is my number one priority, because that addresses a completely different aspect. (Purpose v. change) My reason for being in Maastricht is my studies, uncontested, hands-down, numero uno. My second priority is to experience life, see a little bit of the world. My health affects my ability to fulfill all of these responsibilities, but in and of itself (in my opinion) has no place on this list. There was a time when my (lack of) health was my obsessive and singularly consuming thought in life. It is something that I need to integrate into my lifestyle, but I think healthy/unhealthy it should never be your purpose in life, and it is certainly not something I will allow to overshadow what I'm really here for.