The Year In Review (With Thanks To Rachel For The Idea)
January:It was Steven that organised the video night at Katie's tonight. I sit here writing, just minutes after Matt Young has left. I didn't know he was coming, and seeing him again for the first time since our indiscretion at Annette's has been every bit as awkward and unpleasant as I thought it would be.
That's one more friendship of mine dissolved into nothingness.
My friendships have evolved a lot this year. The only person I still bother with out of the names above is Katie, with whom I will always be friends. Matt is now a speed-addicted Beat twink - half the person he used to be both in regards to his weight and his personality. Annette is a sweetheart, but sadly I drifted away from her and we have little in common. I've made a lot of new friends this year though ... a lot ... quite a few through meta even, so it all balances out.
February: We are mostly quiet through the lecture, although he gets restless at regular intervals throughout. He fidgets. He taps his pen and at one point even sings loudly enough for the surrounding rows and possibly the lecturer to hear. I laugh and he looks my way and into my eyes.
This really was the year of the Asshole (in more ways than one). This infatuation did not end well. Thankfully, this guy has now left the state - now if only all the other assholes would follow his example.
March: Saturday night saw me at a gay club called "The Beat".
And I never went there again.
April: The essay is for my creative writing / poetry class that I do on most monday nights. I mostly enjoy the class but it reminds me why I keep my poetry to myself, confined to my journals. The works of all the other writers are very intimidating to me - I guess I don't have much confidence in my poetry-writing skills.
Slowly this year, I have somehow gained this undrainable reservoir of confidence. It's weird to reflect that this wasn't always the way.
May: He told me of the numerous concerns in his love life, then asked me to share mine. We have similar views on all sorts of things too - love vs. sex, romance, the homogenity of gay society - and so much more, that all day i've been thinking how nice it is to maybe have a gay friend to share things with. Like, I already have gay friends, but they too often fall into the homogenic gay society for me to feel that I can relate to them on almost any level.
Heh. Dave made this year rather interesting, in retrospect.
June: If I try and become one of those Beat fags, the most I can achieve is what they achieve. I can feel loved when I sit outside as part of the link in a circular chain of bitchery and falsness. If i'm lucky, maybe i'll even attract the wandering eye (or hand) of one of the regular bar-flies there, and feel like a crucial part of the pink party scene.
There was a period this year where I sort of changed myself a bit to fit in with a few "friends". This was the point where I realised how wrong that was. As wrong as a big fluffy denim pilot jacket cut off at the midriff (and seen on Queer As Folk).
July: I came out to Mum yesterday. She smiled and said she didn't want to know. Then she started to panic, rambling on about me being raped by guys and about me being confused and scaring off potential girlfriends in the process.
Things are much better between Mum and I now, even if they aren't perfect.
August: The bad side of him comes when he launches into narcissistic speeches on his career (his band have their first single coming out in three weeks) and how he can't have a relationship right now. He always conveniently mentions the latter AFTER he has had an orgasm.
I still see him around and he's much more tolerable now. We will never have sex again, but his company isn't so bad.
September: Day by day the internet slowly consumes me. It eats into my creativity, thoughts and awakeness. It disrupts my sleeping patterns.
Specifically it is a site called "Meta" that is the problem.
Not anymore it ain't!
October: My confidence often gives me a license to say whatever I want about people, no matter how offensive or inappropriate, and I can see that people are getting hurt. I am getting hurt. I am becoming the kind of guy that made my high-school self miserable and scared, and that certainly is a sobering thought.
Funny how so much can change in a year. I started out with not enough confidence, and then soon I had way too much.
November: I've finished recording "Stars", the first track for my demo album.
Next year I want to fly as far as music is concerned.
December: Having sex with him has taught me that sex as a physical act itself doesn't interest me right now - one night stands be damned. The only way I will be physically able to have sex is it if is motivated by honest, deep passion.
This realisation has made me question my sexual orientation yet again. With sex as the main force deciding it, I felt primarily homosexual. But with passion and intimacy in the navigator seat, other doors are opening again.
Who knows what the future holds? I don't, and that terrifies and comforts me.
Have a great New Year, everybody!