Trouser Snake (PG-13)
They were all sitting in a bar. Why they were all sitting in a bar - together - was beyond any of them. They didn't really care though, because they were all pretty drunk, even Sherlock I-Don't-Drink-Because-I-Have-An-Addictive-Personality-And-A-Lisp Holmes. Anderson was off his rocker, and half off the chair, Lestrade, unsurprisingly, still had an air of drunken dignity, and John was giggling.
"So Sherlock," John said through the fits of giggling, "are your deductive powers still as fabulous when you're drunk?"
Sherlock nodded, not trusting his tongue. Anderson looked up at this point.
"Who has the biggest trouser snake?" He asked morosely, throwing John into another fit of laughter so violent he looked like he was seizing.
"I would have to inth- inspect," Sherlock said slowly, watching his S's with knitted brows.
"You can't touch!" Lestrade ordered. John was on the filthy floor by this time, and Sherlock knelt down beside him, peering at first Lestrade's crotch, then John's, and then, slightly more guardedly, Anderson's. John was upright again when his head popped up above the table again.
He grabbed a napkin and pulled a pen from his pocket, scribbling slowly and bent heavily over his work, before presenting it to them proudly.
In a scrawl unlike Sherlock's usual perfect font, read:
1st Place - Sherlock - 7.5 inches
2nd Place - Anderson - 7.1 inches
3rd Place - Lestrade - 6.3 inches
4th Place - John - 5.5 inches
Upon reading the results, John glowed scarlet.
"Sherlock!" he squeaked, looking upset, but Sherlock just grinned.
"The width makes up for it."
"So Sherlock," John said through the fits of giggling, "are your deductive powers still as fabulous when you're drunk?"
Sherlock nodded, not trusting his tongue. Anderson looked up at this point.
"Who has the biggest trouser snake?" He asked morosely, throwing John into another fit of laughter so violent he looked like he was seizing.
"I would have to inth- inspect," Sherlock said slowly, watching his S's with knitted brows.
"You can't touch!" Lestrade ordered. John was on the filthy floor by this time, and Sherlock knelt down beside him, peering at first Lestrade's crotch, then John's, and then, slightly more guardedly, Anderson's. John was upright again when his head popped up above the table again.
He grabbed a napkin and pulled a pen from his pocket, scribbling slowly and bent heavily over his work, before presenting it to them proudly.
In a scrawl unlike Sherlock's usual perfect font, read:
1st Place - Sherlock - 7.5 inches
2nd Place - Anderson - 7.1 inches
3rd Place - Lestrade - 6.3 inches
4th Place - John - 5.5 inches
Upon reading the results, John glowed scarlet.
"Sherlock!" he squeaked, looking upset, but Sherlock just grinned.
"The width makes up for it."