Original Fiction: Still

[nova33]

Still
8000 words

I started writing this story maybe a year and a half ago, for tailoredshirt's birthday (it's in March, for the record). It then became a belated birthday present, then a Christmas present, then a birthday present for this year - but now it's finally done. K, I hope you like it. Apologies that it took this long

Comments

many apologies, once again, for the lateness

[tailoredshirt]

I'm kind of writing this as I go because I don't want to leave anything out.

I love all of the little details here, which I always love in your stories (along with your dialogue, but I've already told you that a million times), like the indentation on the back of your leg when you sit on a wooden chair. It's just little things that when I read it I automatically connect with that detail and it makes the rest of it feel all the more real.

In the first scene, I'm already feeling some strange tension, like they're going to break up, or that she's going to break up with him. The part where she gets irritated by the silence is interesting. And I love the second scene where she's setting up her photograph and something is missing. And the mention of him being sick in the laundromat scene has me wondering exactly what's going on. I love the dialogue there.

“In case you were worried,” she replies with a smile, but she’s not sure where the ‘still’ came from either.

*is very in suspense about what's going on here*

She doesn’t want to be one of those irritating people on public transport who believes that their conversations are relevant to everyone. Oh, I know those people!

The Breakfast Club! And oh, the ending! In the last couple of scenes I felt like there was definitely something going on, and it was starting to fall together with him feeling sick and her not touching him, and the man at the market asking if she's okay. And the conversation about her feeling lonely was perfect right there because it was like she was finally reaching a point where she couldn't deny it anymore. I just quickly read over the story again, and I like how cleverly you disguised all of those moments at the beginning, and then let them fall away slowly towards the end until you get to the last couple of scenes and you don't really try to disguise it. I also like how the first scene feels kind of warm and almost cheerful, and it contrasts so nicely with the final scene, which feels so cold and empty.

Also, I love how you used the prompt picture!

This comment feels a bit inadequate, because once I got into the story I just wanted to keep reading. There are so many little details I loved, but I'd end up quoting the whole thing if I pointed them all out. I really loved how all of the details came together and made it feel so real. I think that is your greatest gift as a writer, to describe those little things we can all connect with, and make it seem effortless.

Anyway, this story was definitely worth waiting for, thank you. ♥

Re: many apologies, once again, for the lateness

[nova33]

Oh K, I'm so glad you liked it! I don't know if it was really worth waiting quite that long for, but nonetheless.

You know how people are always saying you need to write what you know? I sometimes worry I'm going to run out of those things. Usually the things that end up in stories that are things that I know are the small details - the way I get frustrated with silence, or how easy it is to make strange indentations on your skin. Same goes for the irritating people on public transport.

I kind of debated whether or not to use The Breakfast Club as the film they watched, but I figured - it's us. I had to put it in. (Just be happy there were no covert Coke cans.)

Your comment isn't inadequate at all! In fact, you hit on everything that was important to me about this story - wanting to create a tension without giving too much away, so the reader felt like going back and looking over it again, just to see all those moments click into place. Also, the contrast between the first and last scenes was the first idea I had when I started writing this - seriously, for over a year and a half - and that's always been what I was working towards in the end, so I'm glad you thought it worked.

I'm also glad you appreciated the use of the prompt picture! That scene was rewritten so many times, I can't even tell you. But seriously, thank you so much for the prompt, and this comment, especially I think that is your greatest gift as a writer, to describe those little things we can all connect with, and make it seem effortless. - Seriously, thank you; I can't say it enough. ♥