Fanfic: Home
Title: Home (Learning to Breathe)
Authors: Ithilien22 and nouveau_monday
Genre: Romance/Angst
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 4,660
Summary: Slight AU. Luke never came back after the fateful events of move-in day. Weeks later, Noah gets a message from his father and goes to visit him in prison.
Spoilers: Up to Luke and Noah attempting to move in together.
Authors' Notes: Once upon a time, Ithilien22 and nouveau_monday started emailing, and Ithilien22 suggested they write something together. Nouveau_monday thought that was crazy because Ithilien22's writing is beautiful, like poetry and her writing is clumsy and cutesy (at best) by comparison. But then they started throwing plot ideas at each other, and then the other would continue with "and then this would happen ..." and eventually this is what happened.
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Sometimes, when his father was driving him crazy and he was sick and tired of the military base, Noah would get in his car and just drive. For hours he would drive in the direction of California or New York or wherever and he would tell himself that it was for good this time - that this time he’d really had enough, that this time he was really leaving. But he was always back home before the dinner bell.
Now he sits in his truck, driving the cursed highway from Statesville to Oakdale, and he wishes he’d had the courage back then to just keep driving. He wishes he could just rip out whatever it is inside of him that always makes him come back to his father - even now, even after everything that’s happened. Because he knew, he knew exactly what would happen if he visited the prison and yet he did it anyway. The Colonel’s words ring in his ears and he’d give anything to make them stop.
Tears begin to blur his vision and he wipes them away, trying to stay focused on the road. They haven’t really stopped falling since he left the parking lot. Though, to his credit, he managed to hold them back until he reached the relative safety of his truck. “Real men don’t cry, Noah,” he could hear his father’s voice perfectly in his mind. He’d been six years old and he’d scraped his knee when his father took the training wheels off his bike for the first time. Now he cries even harder, just thinking about it.
Without realizing where he’s been going, he watches as the Snyder farmhouse slowly comes into view. He pulls up into the long dirt driveway and parks out behind the kitchen, near the old barn. He has no idea what he’s doing there. He’s screwed everything up so badly and Luke hasn't even spoken to him in weeks. But the truth is, he doesn’t really have anywhere else to go.
Inside the farmhouse kitchen, Luke stares out the window. That isn't? Really? He bites the inside of his cheek hard enough to fill his mouth with the metallic taste of blood. "What is he doing here?" He mutters, not thinking about his family or their response.
"What's who doing here, Luke?" His grandmother asks.
"Noah. That's his truck, right? I'm not hallucinating?"
Holden stands up. "I'll go get rid of him. You can stay in here."
Luke steps to the sink. "Wait a second." He pulls back the curtain and stares. Noah looks sick, or something. Even through the front windshield, Luke can see his face is all blotchy, even as he rocks back and forth against the steering wheel. "Something's wrong."
"Maybe he's feeling guilty?"
Of course his mom would leap to that conclusion. "It doesn't look like that. He looks, I don't know, like he's ill." Luke shakes his head. His legs tremble and that is it. Noah isn't allowed to affect him like that. "I'll get rid of him myself, Dad. I need to do this."
Holden puts a hand on his son's shoulder. "You don't need to do anything except take care of yourself."
Luke smiles. He has the best dad. "I think," he frowns. "I think this is taking care of me. I'll be back in a bit. Don't hold dinner." He knows he sounds pathetic, can feel it in the irritating waiver of his voice. But he left Noah. He had said that it wasn't going to work. Noah should be able to respect that and not show up at the farm. Didn't he understand how much he had hurt Luke by choosing Ameera? He inhales once, twice, and walks over to the truck. His fingers hesitate to knock on the driver's side window. Luke doesn't know who to hate more for that. "What are you doing here?"
Noah jumps. He rubs frantically at his eyes. "You scared me."
But Noah doesn't look scared. He looks awful; poisoned, beat down, empty. Luke glances at the porch through to the kitchen. He sees a bunch of faces jammed up against the window watching this comedy? tragedy? whatever it is? play out. "I scared you? Noah, I asked you a question. Why are you here? Shouldn't you be at home with Ameera? Aren't there pictures to take and memories to be made? Shouldn't you be making your father proud that you found yourself a nice little woman to marry and left the guy you said you loved so you could have a happy, heterosexual life?" Luke's fingernails bite into his palms and it isn't until it really starts to hurt that he realizes how angry he is. He doesn't like to fight, never has. But he wants to shake Noah harder than a fox shakes a chicken, kiss him all over, and then shake him again. "Haven't you done enough already? Go home."
It may be the hardest thing Luke's ever done. Leaving Noah and Ameera's house was rash and stupid, but this, this is deliberate. More deliberate than avoiding him on campus or deleting the messages on his cell before he listens to them. "Goodbye Noah. Please leave."
Noah grips the steering wheel so hard that his knuckles begin to turn white. He wants to say something - to tell Luke about visiting his father and about everything that happened with Ameera - to explain it to him. But he knows that there’s nothing that he can say, not really. When he looks back up at Luke, he tries so hard to hold the tears back but he can’t this time. He’s never been good at hiding things from Luke.
As soon as Noah starts crying, all of Luke’s anger seems to just fade away on a single exhale. He’s never seen Noah cry before and he looks so utterly broken that Luke can’t not reach out to him. Without thinking, he opens the truck door and pulls Noah to him in one swift motion. Noah clutches Luke so tightly that it’s almost hard for Luke to breathe but he can’t seem to care because Noah is finally in his arms again and he’d almost forgotten how much he missed this. He’d almost forgotten how much he needed this.
“I’m sorry,” Noah whispers into Luke’s hair. “I’m so, so sorry.”
“Shh,” Luke soothes, rubbing Noah’s back in calming circles. “Everything’s going to be alright.”
Just being there, wrapped in Luke’s arms, Noah feels safe for the first time in a long time. He feels like he’s finally home. But he knows he can’t do this to Luke. He knows that he’s done nothing to deserve his kindness. He tries to calm himself as he reluctantly pulls back.
“I’m sorry,” he says again, pulling out of Luke’s embrace. “I shouldn’t have come here. I’ll go.”
But Luke is having none of that. He grabs at Noah’s wrist as he tries to open the door and pulls him around so his back is to the truck. Luke pins him against the truck door and kisses him with everything that he has. Noah’s arms fall to his sides and he clutches helplessly at Luke’s hips, pulling him closer. When they pull back, Noah is crying again and Luke holds him in place against the truck. Noah looks so lost that it makes Luke’s heart hurt. He’d do anything to make that look go away.
“Can I stay with you tonight?” Noah asks eventually, his voice impossibly small.
Luke answers by wrapping his arms back around Noah and pulling him close. He still doesn’t know what’s happened, but there’s no way he wants Noah to be alone right now. He loves him too much.
"Today was so hard." Noah whispers. "I didn't know where else to go."
Luke slips his fingers into Noah's hands and squeezes. Noah's words sink in and he remembers the message accidentally left on his grandmother's phone. "You saw your father?" All thoughts of messing up Noah's mouth with sloppy kisses vanish. "Did you take Ameera?" There is bitterness Luke can't hide, but it drowns beneath wanting to salvage what's left of his boyfriend.
"No. I didn't take anyone." He meets Luke's eyes. "I remembered how wonderful you were the last time, and how awful he was. I wasn't going to do that to Ameera, and -" Noah grasps for words. "I didn't want to be there with anyone but you, and I had no right to ask for that. Not after last time, and definitely not after how things ended between us. I'm sorry I'm here now, Luke. I can still leave."
Luke leans forward, meets Noah's forehead with his own. "Shut up, Mayer," he murmurs. "I'm not sorry you're here, and I don't want you to leave. Come to the porch. I'm going to see if my family can go somewhere else for awhile, and you and I can talk." He tugs Noah toward the farmhouse, unsure if he will understand or move without some assistance. Luke watches the curtain drop hastily on his family as they approach. "Stay here a moment." And just to be sure, "Don't leave."
Noah's barely visible nod is all the acknowledgment Luke receives before entering the scene in the kitchen. His grandmother wraps her hands around a cast iron pan. His father leans suspiciously against the closet that holds the gun safe. "Okay, so I'm going to ask for something that I have no right to ask for, but I'm going to do it anyway." He glances at the door to outside, knows the man waiting for him needs him. "I want you to go. See a movie, go get ice cream, I don't care. Noah," he runs his hands through his hair. "Noah saw the Colonel today."
"Luke, it's not that simple." Holden shifts against the closet.
In that instance, Luke understands. "Yeah, Dad. It really is. Noah needs me, and I, I need him. I can't let Ameera stop us, just like I couldn't let his father. So you need to go, and he needs to stay." Luke hugs his father. "Thank you for understanding."
"I didn't say I understood. I know you have to resolve this. I get that." He glances at Lily. "Okay, ice cream and a movie it is." He claps his hands and the family jolts, as if from a collective coma.
"Out the back," Luke hisses. "Please, go out the back. I don't want to scare him."
It's his grandmother who peeks once more out the window. "Oh that poor boy. We can stay at the house tonight. Help him." She presses her hand to his cheek. "You're a good person, Luke. Don't forget that."
Once his family has cleared out, Luke stands in the kitchen for a moment and takes a deep breath. There’s so many things that he suddenly wishes he could take back. He never should have left Noah in the first place. But he did and now Noah’s on the porch. He’s completely destroyed and Luke has no idea how to fix him. When he opens the door, Noah is sitting of the bench, right where Luke left him. So Luke holds a hand out to him and breathes an inward sigh of relief when Noah reaches forward and takes it.
“Come on,” Luke says, guiding him into the house. “It’s just us for the night.”
Noah pauses inside the door, not expecting to go farther than the kitchen, but Luke keeps walking. He still has a firm grasp on Noah’s hand so Noah follows him as he leads, out of the kitchen and up the stairs towards Luke’s old bedroom. Part of Noah still hesitates outside of the door, not wanting to break any of Grandma Emma’s rules, but the thought is only fleeting. For whatever reason, they both know that those rules don’t apply tonight. So when Luke steps inside, Noah does too.
Noah’s never been inside Luke’s bedroom at the farm and he can’t help but notice that it probably hasn’t been updated in several years. The bookshelves are lined with comic books and toy cars and the bed is barely larger than a twin. Luke sits on the edge and Noah sits beside him, careful not to sit too close. He finally pulls his hand out of Luke’s grip and folds it into his lap. Luke lifts the hand that had been holding Noah’s and runs his fingers along Noah’s cheek. They come back wet.
Luke doesn’t remember moving but somehow his mouth is on Noah’s and they’re kissing again. And it’s not like the kiss out by the truck. It’s hard and desperate, and Luke wonders if maybe he should be more gentle, but it’s Noah, and it’s the two of them finally together and he just can’t. Noah holds onto Luke like he’s afraid of what will happen if he lets go, and Luke can taste his tears in their kiss.
It's hard to say who starts pulling off clothes and which one of them leans back first. It's harder to say if that matters.
Noah is off-center with his legs hanging off the edge, perpendicular to the head and foot boards. His shirt is unbuttoned and his mouth is open under Luke's. He lifts himself up enough to bare his skin, and he knows his fingers are shaking as they grab at Luke's stomach and tug at the cotton stripes he always wears. "Luke" and "Need you," he thinks he manages to say. Luke swallows Noah's words, and the swirl of his tongue over Noah's tastes of salt and metal and he can't figure out who's crying and who's bleeding and if he should care. He needs, God, he doesn't even know what he needs, but Noah knows that whatever it is, Luke will help him find it. That's the only way. He clutches at Luke's back, feels the bite of his nails leaving red track marks. He sucks at Luke's lip and arches his chest forward for maximum contact.
The bottom drops out of Luke's world at the words Noah utters. He's not sure if this is a good choice, or just a necessary choice, and it doesn't really matter. He can see the clouded pain flitting across Noah's blue eyes, sees the desperation to have someone take charge of Noah and let him lose control. "I got you," Luke breathes across Noah's clavicle. He bites hard above bone, in that beautiful indent. Noah's lost weight in the last few weeks. Then he licks up Noah's neck, across his jaw, to his ear. Luke worries his teeth and tongue over Noah's earlobe and knows where this is leading.
Tucked under his mattress, in the corner by the headboard next to the wall, there is a lump from where Luke prepared for just such an event. He wasn't expecting it to happen like this, and certainly not now, but it is. It's happening. He straddles Noah's thighs and their cocks are nearly touching, if it weren't for two layers of boxers and two layers of denim. Each awkward uncontrolled thrust has Luke biting at his lip. He fumbles with one hand for the lube and condoms hidden beneath them, and with the other to unbutton Noah's jeans. It stretches him out, forces him into his own body. Luke is aware - blindingly so - of his own desires, his own erection, and his urge to fuck Noah into this lumpy mattress that has been his for far too long and never seen a body on it except for his own. Luke shifts to stand between his legs.
He tugs slightly at Noah’s jeans and Noah lifts his hips so that Luke can slide them off. Luke surprises him by taking both the jeans and his boxers in one pull. Noah thinks, under other circumstances, that he might be embarrassed for Luke to see him naked for the first time. But right now all he can think is need and now and all he can see is the lust shining in Luke’s eyes. Luke slides off of the mattress and stands in front of Noah, removing his own clothing as quickly as possible. Then they’re both naked and Luke is back on the bed and on top of Noah and it’s skin and heat and too much and not enough all at the same time.
There’s the lube lying on the mattress beside him, but Luke doesn’t reach for it. Instead he slips two fingers past Noah’s lips and Noah twirls his tongue around them obediently. When he withdraws his fingers, Luke replaces them with his tongue, tracing the inside of Noah’s mouth. His places his two saliva slicked fingers against Noah’s entrance and pushes just slightly, as if testing the feel. Noah moans into Luke’s mouth and tries to push himself further onto Luke’s fingers.
Luke does his best to prepare Noah slowly, but Noah doesn’t want slow. He pushes back against Luke and says, “Please,” in such a way that Luke almost loses it right there. He reaches for the condom and hands it to Noah, as if asking, “Are you sure?” Noah doesn’t hesitate. He rolls the condom onto Luke with an almost practiced ease, but Luke stops him when he reaches for the lube. Luke applies it himself, knowing that if Noah were to touch him like that, he wouldn’t last another moment. Once they’re both ready, Luke tries again to go slowly but Noah won’t let him and in one urgent movement he’s completely lost inside of his boyfriend. There are still tears on Noah’s cheeks and Luke kisses at them in between thrusts, wishing that the pain that caused them was as easy to kiss away. Noah grabs at Luke’s ass, trying to pull him closer, deeper with each thrust. Luke buries his face in Noah’s shoulder and sucks a bruise in at the base of his neck. He can’t stop making noise, whispering an unintelligible string of endearments and encouragements into Noah’s ear, babbling about how beautiful and wonderful and amazing he is and how could he have ever left him? Noah shuts him up with a kiss that steals all of the air out of his lungs and Luke wonders how it’s even possible to love someone this much.
Noah thinks this should hurt in a way it doesn't, and thinks it does hurt in a way it shouldn't, but he can't think and he can't care because Luke is pushing in deeper and faster. The words Luke sighs across his skin have become background sound to the impossible feeling of full and here and home. He blinks back tears he shouldn't be experiencing. He grips his fingers into Luke's back, even while he turns his head to try and hide his dripping eyes. Noah rolls his hips. He seeks something, but isn't sure what. Each thrust inside him is closer, closer and he struggles to breathe.
Luke's heart breaks in new places as he watches the struggle play out across his lover's face. Lovers. And that's what they are. No one, not Ameera, not the Colonel, not anyone can take this moment away. Ever. He winces as those poisoned names attempt to insinuate their way into his brain, but he shakes his head. He is stronger than them. They are stronger together. This thought more than anything is what drives Luke forward harder, stronger. His words reduced to mine, mine, mine. He reaches between their joined bodies and palms Noah's cock. Now he pauses in his own movement long enough to force a whine from Noah. Luke places his hand out and like his fingers before, his lover coats his palm in saliva.
Noah shifts one of his hands to cover Luke's and their entwined fingers begin an almost fragile counterpoint to the strength with which Noah wants Luke inside him. He manages to control the motion of their hands on him, but can't help but groan. "Harder, harder, harder, please." His sounds or his words do something, because suddenly the bed is shaking underneath them, and Noah finds himself needing both hands to fist against the comforter. He pulls himself up, muscles screaming in his arms to kiss at any part of Luke's face he can find. Their tongues meet, teeth clash. His stomach tightens. His whole body is wired through with electricity and Luke is pulling the strings tauter, tauter. Noah struggles to move up into the hand stroking him and down into the sensation inside him. Unable to do both, he squeezes his eyes shut until he sees white spots behind his eyelids. The spots become stars and he is coming harder than he thought possible. He is coated in come up to his nipples, and, once he can open his eyes, Noah realizes that Luke is covered as well. He thinks maybe he should be blushing, but instead he is pinned under the intensity of Luke's brown eyes as Luke makes three more unsteady lunges and bites down on his lip, lost in his own orgasm.
They breathe in an odd sort of syncopation, one inhaling while the other exhales. Luke nuzzles into Noah's neck and kisses him softly. He wants to say so much, explain everything, but he's pretty sure he tried that and they wound up having sex. Sex. He is no longer a virgin. He lost his virginity to his wonderful, perfect, completely wrecked boyfriend that he had been semi- sorta- broken up with for the last few weeks because he couldn't deal with being mostly alone in a bedroom they could share together even though Noah had wanted it, asked for it, done so much right. "Noah -" Luke attempts to right himself, to slip himself out of what he imagines is becoming a painful position.
Noah locks his legs behind Luke. He's not ready for distance, not ready for separation of any kind. What if Luke leaves again? What if this was goodbye and what he thought Noah needed, not what Luke wanted? Oh God. Noah couldn't think that way. If he started, he might never stop. His father. His goddamned father had filled him with so much hate, so many lies. Here in the arms of the first and only person to truly love him, all Noah can think to wonder is why? Why be with him when there were guys just waiting for someone as good as Luke? Why stay with someone so fucked up that they let you leave rather than fight because they don't know what else to do? Luke's breath against his neck welled tears in Noah's eyes. "Luke -"
They laugh at their own nerves, at the way both of them sound. "You go first," they both say. But Noah knows he needs to speak. Luke needs to hear what he has to say and believe it for real. "I should have gone after you and left Ameera immediately."
"I should never have let her get between us." Luke responds before Noah has even finished. He doesn't want to bring her into it. How can their first time be reduced to her name, or the Colonel's? It's awful. Unfair to Noah. Unfair to him. He was an idiot, is an idiot, whatever. His heart pounds and his pulses quickens, but it's nerves not desire and suddenly Luke can tell the difference clearly.
Noah's heart skips. Talking to Luke was never this difficult before. "Wait. Can I? Can I finish?" His voice is sore from shouting in his truck, crying and moaning god only knows what as he came. He sees how hard it is, but watches his boyfriend nod. Noah swallows. His dick twitches. He can feel every one of Luke's motions inside him. "Just, umm, don't move while I say this, okay?" His cheeks are burning, but something loosens when Luke almost laughs. "I never should have let you feel like you were playing second to her. That was never the case, ever. I was so caught up in trying to make it all work that I think I forgot other people were involved. It's dumb, I know, but then you left. I was so confused, so hurt when you ran. Before," he swallows. "Before you tried to drive me away. Get rid of me. Feed me my own fears so I would run. But this time you left me." Noah is crying in earnest. Tears flow down into his hairline and the pillow beneath him. "I thought you wanted to be left alone. Figured I was a big jerk and you were wasting your time on me when anyone would be so lucky to have you. And it's the truth. I am a big jerk. Anyone would be lucky. I wouldn't blame you for thinking that."
"Oh, baby, no." Luke slides his arms around Noah and turns them to the side. Emotions and sensations play across both their faces as they are reminded again of how deeply Luke is inside Noah. "I need to hold you. Let me." He pulls out of Noah as slowly as he can manage and ties off the rubber. No time to find a trashcan, he drops it on the floor. "Come on. We'll curl up the right way." He manhandles Noah into the bed properly, pulls Noah's back to his chest and pets Noah's stomach. "I never thought that."
Noah tips up to meet Luke's eyes. "But you could have. You should have. I couldn't do it." He shuts his eyes, can't bear to hear the rejection he expects. "Please, Luke. I've never felt more alone in my whole life. Don't make me go through that again. I don't have to be your boyfriend if you can't trust me, don't want me. I get that, I really do. Just, please, don't leave me alone. I don't think I can handle it. It's dumb, and I'm weak, and I know..."
Maybe now is the moment where Luke wants to go up to Statesville and firebomb the prison. He's contemplated it before, but never to this degree. He holds Noah so close he thinks he might be stopping him from breathing properly. "Noah, you've got it all wrong. Every moment without you was wretched. Worse than the minute before, which I was positive was the worst moment of my life. I drove by the house a million times. Even came up to the porch. But what if Ameera told me I wasn't welcome, or wouldn't give you a message?" Luke's voice shrinks. "What if you came to the door and you sent me away because I was an idiot who didn't trust you to take care of me? I've never had someone who knew me enough to buy my favorite foods just because I like them. I've never had anyone want me so desperately. And then she was there. Spoiling what should have just been between us. And I was jealous. So very jealous. She had what I wanted. I couldn't see that I had you the entire time."
And then Noah turns over, presses himself to Luke's chest, pulls Luke's mouth down to his. "Let's never do this again. It might kill me, Luke. I love you so much. I don't think first before I act, it'll happen again. Just tell me that I'm doing it. Talk to me. Don't run. Please."
Luke licks into Noah's mouth, tastes salt and love and home. "I won't. I won't. I promise."
They both swear words like forever and always and never again into each other's skin. There is no part of them not touching, hot and gentle, without desperation. Neither of them knows exactly what will happen, but whatever it is, they're better together.
Noah curls into Luke's arms. He listens to their breath match up, no longer running opposite, and he smiles. His fingers run up Luke's ribs, across his abdomen. "Thank you for saving me."
Luke kisses Noah's forehead. "You did the same for me."
Authors: Ithilien22 and nouveau_monday
Genre: Romance/Angst
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 4,660
Summary: Slight AU. Luke never came back after the fateful events of move-in day. Weeks later, Noah gets a message from his father and goes to visit him in prison.
Spoilers: Up to Luke and Noah attempting to move in together.
Authors' Notes: Once upon a time, Ithilien22 and nouveau_monday started emailing, and Ithilien22 suggested they write something together. Nouveau_monday thought that was crazy because Ithilien22's writing is beautiful, like poetry and her writing is clumsy and cutesy (at best) by comparison. But then they started throwing plot ideas at each other, and then the other would continue with "and then this would happen ..." and eventually this is what happened.
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Sometimes, when his father was driving him crazy and he was sick and tired of the military base, Noah would get in his car and just drive. For hours he would drive in the direction of California or New York or wherever and he would tell himself that it was for good this time - that this time he’d really had enough, that this time he was really leaving. But he was always back home before the dinner bell.
Now he sits in his truck, driving the cursed highway from Statesville to Oakdale, and he wishes he’d had the courage back then to just keep driving. He wishes he could just rip out whatever it is inside of him that always makes him come back to his father - even now, even after everything that’s happened. Because he knew, he knew exactly what would happen if he visited the prison and yet he did it anyway. The Colonel’s words ring in his ears and he’d give anything to make them stop.
Tears begin to blur his vision and he wipes them away, trying to stay focused on the road. They haven’t really stopped falling since he left the parking lot. Though, to his credit, he managed to hold them back until he reached the relative safety of his truck. “Real men don’t cry, Noah,” he could hear his father’s voice perfectly in his mind. He’d been six years old and he’d scraped his knee when his father took the training wheels off his bike for the first time. Now he cries even harder, just thinking about it.
Without realizing where he’s been going, he watches as the Snyder farmhouse slowly comes into view. He pulls up into the long dirt driveway and parks out behind the kitchen, near the old barn. He has no idea what he’s doing there. He’s screwed everything up so badly and Luke hasn't even spoken to him in weeks. But the truth is, he doesn’t really have anywhere else to go.
Inside the farmhouse kitchen, Luke stares out the window. That isn't? Really? He bites the inside of his cheek hard enough to fill his mouth with the metallic taste of blood. "What is he doing here?" He mutters, not thinking about his family or their response.
"What's who doing here, Luke?" His grandmother asks.
"Noah. That's his truck, right? I'm not hallucinating?"
Holden stands up. "I'll go get rid of him. You can stay in here."
Luke steps to the sink. "Wait a second." He pulls back the curtain and stares. Noah looks sick, or something. Even through the front windshield, Luke can see his face is all blotchy, even as he rocks back and forth against the steering wheel. "Something's wrong."
"Maybe he's feeling guilty?"
Of course his mom would leap to that conclusion. "It doesn't look like that. He looks, I don't know, like he's ill." Luke shakes his head. His legs tremble and that is it. Noah isn't allowed to affect him like that. "I'll get rid of him myself, Dad. I need to do this."
Holden puts a hand on his son's shoulder. "You don't need to do anything except take care of yourself."
Luke smiles. He has the best dad. "I think," he frowns. "I think this is taking care of me. I'll be back in a bit. Don't hold dinner." He knows he sounds pathetic, can feel it in the irritating waiver of his voice. But he left Noah. He had said that it wasn't going to work. Noah should be able to respect that and not show up at the farm. Didn't he understand how much he had hurt Luke by choosing Ameera? He inhales once, twice, and walks over to the truck. His fingers hesitate to knock on the driver's side window. Luke doesn't know who to hate more for that. "What are you doing here?"
Noah jumps. He rubs frantically at his eyes. "You scared me."
But Noah doesn't look scared. He looks awful; poisoned, beat down, empty. Luke glances at the porch through to the kitchen. He sees a bunch of faces jammed up against the window watching this comedy? tragedy? whatever it is? play out. "I scared you? Noah, I asked you a question. Why are you here? Shouldn't you be at home with Ameera? Aren't there pictures to take and memories to be made? Shouldn't you be making your father proud that you found yourself a nice little woman to marry and left the guy you said you loved so you could have a happy, heterosexual life?" Luke's fingernails bite into his palms and it isn't until it really starts to hurt that he realizes how angry he is. He doesn't like to fight, never has. But he wants to shake Noah harder than a fox shakes a chicken, kiss him all over, and then shake him again. "Haven't you done enough already? Go home."
It may be the hardest thing Luke's ever done. Leaving Noah and Ameera's house was rash and stupid, but this, this is deliberate. More deliberate than avoiding him on campus or deleting the messages on his cell before he listens to them. "Goodbye Noah. Please leave."
Noah grips the steering wheel so hard that his knuckles begin to turn white. He wants to say something - to tell Luke about visiting his father and about everything that happened with Ameera - to explain it to him. But he knows that there’s nothing that he can say, not really. When he looks back up at Luke, he tries so hard to hold the tears back but he can’t this time. He’s never been good at hiding things from Luke.
As soon as Noah starts crying, all of Luke’s anger seems to just fade away on a single exhale. He’s never seen Noah cry before and he looks so utterly broken that Luke can’t not reach out to him. Without thinking, he opens the truck door and pulls Noah to him in one swift motion. Noah clutches Luke so tightly that it’s almost hard for Luke to breathe but he can’t seem to care because Noah is finally in his arms again and he’d almost forgotten how much he missed this. He’d almost forgotten how much he needed this.
“I’m sorry,” Noah whispers into Luke’s hair. “I’m so, so sorry.”
“Shh,” Luke soothes, rubbing Noah’s back in calming circles. “Everything’s going to be alright.”
Just being there, wrapped in Luke’s arms, Noah feels safe for the first time in a long time. He feels like he’s finally home. But he knows he can’t do this to Luke. He knows that he’s done nothing to deserve his kindness. He tries to calm himself as he reluctantly pulls back.
“I’m sorry,” he says again, pulling out of Luke’s embrace. “I shouldn’t have come here. I’ll go.”
But Luke is having none of that. He grabs at Noah’s wrist as he tries to open the door and pulls him around so his back is to the truck. Luke pins him against the truck door and kisses him with everything that he has. Noah’s arms fall to his sides and he clutches helplessly at Luke’s hips, pulling him closer. When they pull back, Noah is crying again and Luke holds him in place against the truck. Noah looks so lost that it makes Luke’s heart hurt. He’d do anything to make that look go away.
“Can I stay with you tonight?” Noah asks eventually, his voice impossibly small.
Luke answers by wrapping his arms back around Noah and pulling him close. He still doesn’t know what’s happened, but there’s no way he wants Noah to be alone right now. He loves him too much.
"Today was so hard." Noah whispers. "I didn't know where else to go."
Luke slips his fingers into Noah's hands and squeezes. Noah's words sink in and he remembers the message accidentally left on his grandmother's phone. "You saw your father?" All thoughts of messing up Noah's mouth with sloppy kisses vanish. "Did you take Ameera?" There is bitterness Luke can't hide, but it drowns beneath wanting to salvage what's left of his boyfriend.
"No. I didn't take anyone." He meets Luke's eyes. "I remembered how wonderful you were the last time, and how awful he was. I wasn't going to do that to Ameera, and -" Noah grasps for words. "I didn't want to be there with anyone but you, and I had no right to ask for that. Not after last time, and definitely not after how things ended between us. I'm sorry I'm here now, Luke. I can still leave."
Luke leans forward, meets Noah's forehead with his own. "Shut up, Mayer," he murmurs. "I'm not sorry you're here, and I don't want you to leave. Come to the porch. I'm going to see if my family can go somewhere else for awhile, and you and I can talk." He tugs Noah toward the farmhouse, unsure if he will understand or move without some assistance. Luke watches the curtain drop hastily on his family as they approach. "Stay here a moment." And just to be sure, "Don't leave."
Noah's barely visible nod is all the acknowledgment Luke receives before entering the scene in the kitchen. His grandmother wraps her hands around a cast iron pan. His father leans suspiciously against the closet that holds the gun safe. "Okay, so I'm going to ask for something that I have no right to ask for, but I'm going to do it anyway." He glances at the door to outside, knows the man waiting for him needs him. "I want you to go. See a movie, go get ice cream, I don't care. Noah," he runs his hands through his hair. "Noah saw the Colonel today."
"Luke, it's not that simple." Holden shifts against the closet.
In that instance, Luke understands. "Yeah, Dad. It really is. Noah needs me, and I, I need him. I can't let Ameera stop us, just like I couldn't let his father. So you need to go, and he needs to stay." Luke hugs his father. "Thank you for understanding."
"I didn't say I understood. I know you have to resolve this. I get that." He glances at Lily. "Okay, ice cream and a movie it is." He claps his hands and the family jolts, as if from a collective coma.
"Out the back," Luke hisses. "Please, go out the back. I don't want to scare him."
It's his grandmother who peeks once more out the window. "Oh that poor boy. We can stay at the house tonight. Help him." She presses her hand to his cheek. "You're a good person, Luke. Don't forget that."
Once his family has cleared out, Luke stands in the kitchen for a moment and takes a deep breath. There’s so many things that he suddenly wishes he could take back. He never should have left Noah in the first place. But he did and now Noah’s on the porch. He’s completely destroyed and Luke has no idea how to fix him. When he opens the door, Noah is sitting of the bench, right where Luke left him. So Luke holds a hand out to him and breathes an inward sigh of relief when Noah reaches forward and takes it.
“Come on,” Luke says, guiding him into the house. “It’s just us for the night.”
Noah pauses inside the door, not expecting to go farther than the kitchen, but Luke keeps walking. He still has a firm grasp on Noah’s hand so Noah follows him as he leads, out of the kitchen and up the stairs towards Luke’s old bedroom. Part of Noah still hesitates outside of the door, not wanting to break any of Grandma Emma’s rules, but the thought is only fleeting. For whatever reason, they both know that those rules don’t apply tonight. So when Luke steps inside, Noah does too.
Noah’s never been inside Luke’s bedroom at the farm and he can’t help but notice that it probably hasn’t been updated in several years. The bookshelves are lined with comic books and toy cars and the bed is barely larger than a twin. Luke sits on the edge and Noah sits beside him, careful not to sit too close. He finally pulls his hand out of Luke’s grip and folds it into his lap. Luke lifts the hand that had been holding Noah’s and runs his fingers along Noah’s cheek. They come back wet.
Luke doesn’t remember moving but somehow his mouth is on Noah’s and they’re kissing again. And it’s not like the kiss out by the truck. It’s hard and desperate, and Luke wonders if maybe he should be more gentle, but it’s Noah, and it’s the two of them finally together and he just can’t. Noah holds onto Luke like he’s afraid of what will happen if he lets go, and Luke can taste his tears in their kiss.
It's hard to say who starts pulling off clothes and which one of them leans back first. It's harder to say if that matters.
Noah is off-center with his legs hanging off the edge, perpendicular to the head and foot boards. His shirt is unbuttoned and his mouth is open under Luke's. He lifts himself up enough to bare his skin, and he knows his fingers are shaking as they grab at Luke's stomach and tug at the cotton stripes he always wears. "Luke" and "Need you," he thinks he manages to say. Luke swallows Noah's words, and the swirl of his tongue over Noah's tastes of salt and metal and he can't figure out who's crying and who's bleeding and if he should care. He needs, God, he doesn't even know what he needs, but Noah knows that whatever it is, Luke will help him find it. That's the only way. He clutches at Luke's back, feels the bite of his nails leaving red track marks. He sucks at Luke's lip and arches his chest forward for maximum contact.
The bottom drops out of Luke's world at the words Noah utters. He's not sure if this is a good choice, or just a necessary choice, and it doesn't really matter. He can see the clouded pain flitting across Noah's blue eyes, sees the desperation to have someone take charge of Noah and let him lose control. "I got you," Luke breathes across Noah's clavicle. He bites hard above bone, in that beautiful indent. Noah's lost weight in the last few weeks. Then he licks up Noah's neck, across his jaw, to his ear. Luke worries his teeth and tongue over Noah's earlobe and knows where this is leading.
Tucked under his mattress, in the corner by the headboard next to the wall, there is a lump from where Luke prepared for just such an event. He wasn't expecting it to happen like this, and certainly not now, but it is. It's happening. He straddles Noah's thighs and their cocks are nearly touching, if it weren't for two layers of boxers and two layers of denim. Each awkward uncontrolled thrust has Luke biting at his lip. He fumbles with one hand for the lube and condoms hidden beneath them, and with the other to unbutton Noah's jeans. It stretches him out, forces him into his own body. Luke is aware - blindingly so - of his own desires, his own erection, and his urge to fuck Noah into this lumpy mattress that has been his for far too long and never seen a body on it except for his own. Luke shifts to stand between his legs.
He tugs slightly at Noah’s jeans and Noah lifts his hips so that Luke can slide them off. Luke surprises him by taking both the jeans and his boxers in one pull. Noah thinks, under other circumstances, that he might be embarrassed for Luke to see him naked for the first time. But right now all he can think is need and now and all he can see is the lust shining in Luke’s eyes. Luke slides off of the mattress and stands in front of Noah, removing his own clothing as quickly as possible. Then they’re both naked and Luke is back on the bed and on top of Noah and it’s skin and heat and too much and not enough all at the same time.
There’s the lube lying on the mattress beside him, but Luke doesn’t reach for it. Instead he slips two fingers past Noah’s lips and Noah twirls his tongue around them obediently. When he withdraws his fingers, Luke replaces them with his tongue, tracing the inside of Noah’s mouth. His places his two saliva slicked fingers against Noah’s entrance and pushes just slightly, as if testing the feel. Noah moans into Luke’s mouth and tries to push himself further onto Luke’s fingers.
Luke does his best to prepare Noah slowly, but Noah doesn’t want slow. He pushes back against Luke and says, “Please,” in such a way that Luke almost loses it right there. He reaches for the condom and hands it to Noah, as if asking, “Are you sure?” Noah doesn’t hesitate. He rolls the condom onto Luke with an almost practiced ease, but Luke stops him when he reaches for the lube. Luke applies it himself, knowing that if Noah were to touch him like that, he wouldn’t last another moment. Once they’re both ready, Luke tries again to go slowly but Noah won’t let him and in one urgent movement he’s completely lost inside of his boyfriend. There are still tears on Noah’s cheeks and Luke kisses at them in between thrusts, wishing that the pain that caused them was as easy to kiss away. Noah grabs at Luke’s ass, trying to pull him closer, deeper with each thrust. Luke buries his face in Noah’s shoulder and sucks a bruise in at the base of his neck. He can’t stop making noise, whispering an unintelligible string of endearments and encouragements into Noah’s ear, babbling about how beautiful and wonderful and amazing he is and how could he have ever left him? Noah shuts him up with a kiss that steals all of the air out of his lungs and Luke wonders how it’s even possible to love someone this much.
Noah thinks this should hurt in a way it doesn't, and thinks it does hurt in a way it shouldn't, but he can't think and he can't care because Luke is pushing in deeper and faster. The words Luke sighs across his skin have become background sound to the impossible feeling of full and here and home. He blinks back tears he shouldn't be experiencing. He grips his fingers into Luke's back, even while he turns his head to try and hide his dripping eyes. Noah rolls his hips. He seeks something, but isn't sure what. Each thrust inside him is closer, closer and he struggles to breathe.
Luke's heart breaks in new places as he watches the struggle play out across his lover's face. Lovers. And that's what they are. No one, not Ameera, not the Colonel, not anyone can take this moment away. Ever. He winces as those poisoned names attempt to insinuate their way into his brain, but he shakes his head. He is stronger than them. They are stronger together. This thought more than anything is what drives Luke forward harder, stronger. His words reduced to mine, mine, mine. He reaches between their joined bodies and palms Noah's cock. Now he pauses in his own movement long enough to force a whine from Noah. Luke places his hand out and like his fingers before, his lover coats his palm in saliva.
Noah shifts one of his hands to cover Luke's and their entwined fingers begin an almost fragile counterpoint to the strength with which Noah wants Luke inside him. He manages to control the motion of their hands on him, but can't help but groan. "Harder, harder, harder, please." His sounds or his words do something, because suddenly the bed is shaking underneath them, and Noah finds himself needing both hands to fist against the comforter. He pulls himself up, muscles screaming in his arms to kiss at any part of Luke's face he can find. Their tongues meet, teeth clash. His stomach tightens. His whole body is wired through with electricity and Luke is pulling the strings tauter, tauter. Noah struggles to move up into the hand stroking him and down into the sensation inside him. Unable to do both, he squeezes his eyes shut until he sees white spots behind his eyelids. The spots become stars and he is coming harder than he thought possible. He is coated in come up to his nipples, and, once he can open his eyes, Noah realizes that Luke is covered as well. He thinks maybe he should be blushing, but instead he is pinned under the intensity of Luke's brown eyes as Luke makes three more unsteady lunges and bites down on his lip, lost in his own orgasm.
They breathe in an odd sort of syncopation, one inhaling while the other exhales. Luke nuzzles into Noah's neck and kisses him softly. He wants to say so much, explain everything, but he's pretty sure he tried that and they wound up having sex. Sex. He is no longer a virgin. He lost his virginity to his wonderful, perfect, completely wrecked boyfriend that he had been semi- sorta- broken up with for the last few weeks because he couldn't deal with being mostly alone in a bedroom they could share together even though Noah had wanted it, asked for it, done so much right. "Noah -" Luke attempts to right himself, to slip himself out of what he imagines is becoming a painful position.
Noah locks his legs behind Luke. He's not ready for distance, not ready for separation of any kind. What if Luke leaves again? What if this was goodbye and what he thought Noah needed, not what Luke wanted? Oh God. Noah couldn't think that way. If he started, he might never stop. His father. His goddamned father had filled him with so much hate, so many lies. Here in the arms of the first and only person to truly love him, all Noah can think to wonder is why? Why be with him when there were guys just waiting for someone as good as Luke? Why stay with someone so fucked up that they let you leave rather than fight because they don't know what else to do? Luke's breath against his neck welled tears in Noah's eyes. "Luke -"
They laugh at their own nerves, at the way both of them sound. "You go first," they both say. But Noah knows he needs to speak. Luke needs to hear what he has to say and believe it for real. "I should have gone after you and left Ameera immediately."
"I should never have let her get between us." Luke responds before Noah has even finished. He doesn't want to bring her into it. How can their first time be reduced to her name, or the Colonel's? It's awful. Unfair to Noah. Unfair to him. He was an idiot, is an idiot, whatever. His heart pounds and his pulses quickens, but it's nerves not desire and suddenly Luke can tell the difference clearly.
Noah's heart skips. Talking to Luke was never this difficult before. "Wait. Can I? Can I finish?" His voice is sore from shouting in his truck, crying and moaning god only knows what as he came. He sees how hard it is, but watches his boyfriend nod. Noah swallows. His dick twitches. He can feel every one of Luke's motions inside him. "Just, umm, don't move while I say this, okay?" His cheeks are burning, but something loosens when Luke almost laughs. "I never should have let you feel like you were playing second to her. That was never the case, ever. I was so caught up in trying to make it all work that I think I forgot other people were involved. It's dumb, I know, but then you left. I was so confused, so hurt when you ran. Before," he swallows. "Before you tried to drive me away. Get rid of me. Feed me my own fears so I would run. But this time you left me." Noah is crying in earnest. Tears flow down into his hairline and the pillow beneath him. "I thought you wanted to be left alone. Figured I was a big jerk and you were wasting your time on me when anyone would be so lucky to have you. And it's the truth. I am a big jerk. Anyone would be lucky. I wouldn't blame you for thinking that."
"Oh, baby, no." Luke slides his arms around Noah and turns them to the side. Emotions and sensations play across both their faces as they are reminded again of how deeply Luke is inside Noah. "I need to hold you. Let me." He pulls out of Noah as slowly as he can manage and ties off the rubber. No time to find a trashcan, he drops it on the floor. "Come on. We'll curl up the right way." He manhandles Noah into the bed properly, pulls Noah's back to his chest and pets Noah's stomach. "I never thought that."
Noah tips up to meet Luke's eyes. "But you could have. You should have. I couldn't do it." He shuts his eyes, can't bear to hear the rejection he expects. "Please, Luke. I've never felt more alone in my whole life. Don't make me go through that again. I don't have to be your boyfriend if you can't trust me, don't want me. I get that, I really do. Just, please, don't leave me alone. I don't think I can handle it. It's dumb, and I'm weak, and I know..."
Maybe now is the moment where Luke wants to go up to Statesville and firebomb the prison. He's contemplated it before, but never to this degree. He holds Noah so close he thinks he might be stopping him from breathing properly. "Noah, you've got it all wrong. Every moment without you was wretched. Worse than the minute before, which I was positive was the worst moment of my life. I drove by the house a million times. Even came up to the porch. But what if Ameera told me I wasn't welcome, or wouldn't give you a message?" Luke's voice shrinks. "What if you came to the door and you sent me away because I was an idiot who didn't trust you to take care of me? I've never had someone who knew me enough to buy my favorite foods just because I like them. I've never had anyone want me so desperately. And then she was there. Spoiling what should have just been between us. And I was jealous. So very jealous. She had what I wanted. I couldn't see that I had you the entire time."
And then Noah turns over, presses himself to Luke's chest, pulls Luke's mouth down to his. "Let's never do this again. It might kill me, Luke. I love you so much. I don't think first before I act, it'll happen again. Just tell me that I'm doing it. Talk to me. Don't run. Please."
Luke licks into Noah's mouth, tastes salt and love and home. "I won't. I won't. I promise."
They both swear words like forever and always and never again into each other's skin. There is no part of them not touching, hot and gentle, without desperation. Neither of them knows exactly what will happen, but whatever it is, they're better together.
Noah curls into Luke's arms. He listens to their breath match up, no longer running opposite, and he smiles. His fingers run up Luke's ribs, across his abdomen. "Thank you for saving me."
Luke kisses Noah's forehead. "You did the same for me."