Arrakeen, Arrakis, 10,224 AG, Tuesday, Late Afternoon, When All Goes to Hell
Queen Alice of Wonderland
Alice stirred the moment Leto left her side; she had not, until that moment, realized that she had drifted asleep. Only a catnap, and the Cat himself knew that she could use one.
The unnamed and unknown infant was still safely held in her arms. Safely? Hardly. Undamaged, for now. That was far more accurate.
They might only have a few minutes. Leto would not have gone far; possibly down the hall to deal with servants, or even the washroom. And this was too important to postpone.
"Hello, little one," she said. "I believe we need to talk, you and I."
Tiny Liddell Atreides
The child stirred, and yawned. She was sleeping much more heavily than Alice. Was that right? Was that normal? Was she ill? It was not as though Alice had experience with these matters.
She had been too young to remember Matilda's birth, and Ina had been the oldest sister.
Alice
"I don't believe introductions are necessary," Alice continued, "but in the chance that they are, I'm ... your mother."
That felt like a lie, as it left her mouth. So much so that she had to disclaim it, immediately.
"I'm the person who gave birth to you," she said. "That you might consider in the role of mother. But I'm not a mother. I wasn't one a few hours ago, and having pushed you out instead of in doesn't seem to have made me into one. I haven't gained any wisdom. I haven't learned what it is that I'm to do. I haven't the knowledge to kiss bruises and brush away tears. I shan't be very good at this, daughter."
The panic was seizing her as more and more words spilled out.
"You've drawn a very poor starting lot on the maternal side. I can hardly keep an aging cat alive. I have no softness in me. I don't nurture. I kill. And that's before we reach the distressing tendency I have to go mad now and again, such as when I create worlds and wander off into them. Or when I was locked into an asylum and spent years in a vegetative state. I've only been myself again a short time, and I've dipped my toes into madness a number of times already. You remember the last bit. It's a wonder you weren't born gray, with hooves and antlers."
She squeezed her eyes shut, forcing herself to admit, "In that madness, dear one, I felt better -- saner -- than I can remember being in my entire waking life."
Tiny Liddell Atreides
The girl sighed, shifting position to suckle, gently on her own fist. Her eyes were open, though only tiny slits. Perhaps she was awake; perhaps she was mostly asleep, and her eyes were watching Alice as she drifted off again.
Alice
Alice took a long, deep breath, leaning forward to press her lips again her child's forehead.
"I never asked for this," she said, softly. "That is not to say that you are unwanted, or unloved. You are very much the opposite. You are a miracle, and a blessing, and there isn't a person in this entire city who would say otherwise. And I ..."
She could not start crying now. Better to finish this speech, first.
"I can't do this." Another breath. "I can't. I imagined you to be a tumor, a fatal one. It would have been easier. Dying in childbirth would have been easier. There you are. You're sitting there. You're a complete stranger, and I love you. I hoped I wouldn't love you. I was scared I wouldn't be able to. But I do. Desperately. And that scares me more than anything I've ever known."
Tiny Liddell Atreides
If her daughter was concerned in the least about this speech, or the implications of it, she was doing a marvelous job of not showing it. She yawned, again, and continued to stare through heavy-lidded eyes up at her mother.
Alice
"Your father," Alice said, her voice shaking, "is Emperor of I think possibly the universe. You've an Aunt Ghani and a step-grandmother Irulan and a Harah that had better be good to you if she wants to live. I have nothing. A few dollars in my room, currency that expired centuries ago. A cat who's too stubborn to die. Leto, that I once hoped I could spend my life with. And a befuddled mind and a burned-out heart, neither of which have any business being anywhere near you."
Alice wished she still believed in God. Now would have been the time to pray. For guidance, or for help.
"I can't be your mother," she said. "It will destroy me, and it may well destroy you, and I can't ever risk destroying you. I won't. So I give you all I have, my little one. My new family, such as it is -- they really are your family. Leto. Dinah. I take my broken mind and empty shell with me; you wouldn't want them. But I want you to know that what little love I am capable of, it stays here, with you. Never think that you are without it, or that you are far from my heart, damaged though it may be."
She slipped her hands around her neck and fumbled with the clasp for a few moments, and if tears were slipping down her cheeks, then perhaps her nameless daughter could pretend not to see them.
Tiny Liddell Atreides
The daughter who did not seem to notice that she didn't have a name yet, did seem to process that something was going on. She was sitting up a little straighter, and staring at her mother again, big blue eyes taking everything in.
Alice
Alice removed the necklace, which was as much a part of her, now, as her vorpal blade. She placed it around her daughter's neck, looping the chain a few times before fastening it again.
"Be safe," she said. "Be good. Be bad, when the situation warrants it. Be yourself, dear heart. Your father is in the future, but your mother lives in the past, with ghosts in the ashes of a burned-down house. I wouldn't drag you there to join them. Be free, little one. And know always that you have my love."
And with that, she bundled the child up, both in her own blankets as well as the blankets that had been on the bed itself. And once she was sure that her babe was not going to roll from the bed to the ground, she walked away, forcing herself not to look back.
In the corner of the room was a mirror. Mirrors worked as well as doors, if one concentrated hard enough. She had to do this now, before she lost her nerve.
Alice focused all of her energy on the mirror, and slipping through it, and not thinking about how she had just ripped her own heart out, or how she would live without a heart, or if she would even care to want to.
A moment later, she stepped through the mirror, and the doorway slid closed behind her. And her child was alone.
Leto Atreides II
He had left Alice asleep with the baby next to her. Leaving the room to attend to a few matters shouldn't have mattered. But when Leto returned and found only the sleeping child on the bed, his instincts told him something was wrong.
"Alice?" He didn't even expect an answer.
Ghanima Atreides
Ghanima arrived moments later, a basket of moddable baby items donated by members of Tabr on her hip as she firmly shooed away the curious trying to catch a peek of Leto's woman and their child.
"Guarding your daughter already?" she asked, offering him the basket. "You have to share her eventually, you know."
Tiny Liddell Atreides
The baby was lying on the bed, fidgeting slightly. She had been left to herself for a while, and that was all right, but she made the sort of warning noise to suggest that she might like to be picked up, if only to be perfectly sure that she would be attended to, if she made a noise.
She had gained an accessory in her father's absence. A familiar one.
Leto
"She left." Leto's voice was trembling. "She left without the child." Yes, he could see the necklace, and knew Alice wore it always. Approaching the bed, he picked up the baby, having to recall ancestral memories to know how to best make a newborn comfortable. He stared down at the child.
"Where did she go?"
Ghanima
"She has not attempted to leave the keep," Ghanima replied quickly, setting down her basket. "We would know if she even ventured to the end of the hall; I had taken the liberty of placing two pairs of Fedaykin on watch, to make sure you both had your privacy."
Leto
Instinctively, Leto turned to prescient vision, even if he knew he couldn't see Alice there. But he knew one thing. "There are other ways out for her." He had fallen through a door into Alice's world once, and she could open those if she wanted to. "If she wants to escape."
The baby seemed to take a dislike to the world around her suddenly becoming less comfortable. The voices were less pleasant. Besides, she had that odd feeling that she later would come to recognise at hunger. In order to express this, she screamed.
Ghanima
"You think she has opened a door to Wonderland." It was a statement, not a question, and Ghanima turned around, surveying the room for any clues as to what Alice could have used. "You met her there once, can you do it again?"
Leto
A little distracted by the screaming baby in his arms, Leto didn't answer right away. He rocked his daughter, trying to calm her down. "I will try." Ghanima could probably hear the determination, mingled with anger, in his voice. "I need Spice."
Ghanima
"Of course," she agreed. "A great deal of it. We can send the Fedaykin to fetch it from the household stores immediately."
Could he even be saturated to that point again, with his new skin? If so, could he survive it unharmed? Ghanima immediately banished the disloyal thought from her mind. She knew what lay ahead on the Golden Path, and Leto would safely see them through the crucible.
Leto
"The baby needs to be fed," he continued. "And protected. If I manage to follow Alice, I need you to guard her. And find a wetnurse."
The little one had was still wailing, as Leto held her out to Ghanima.
Ghanima
"She will be safest in Fandom," Ghanima decided, taking the nameless-child and settling her comfortably. She knew exactly what happened if you tried to mess with the children of Fandom faculty.
And only a suicidal fool would consider messing with a child under the care of the Atreides Aryeh.
"You have gone for one of your 'runs', I am off on diplomatic matters, and Irulan and Stil are more than capable of speaking for us until you return," she continued. "It will be done, and swiftly."
"Find her, Leto, and convince her to come home."
Leto
He gave a nod, and then a faint smile, guessing what Ghani was thinking. Yes, for all its strangeness, Fandom could be a very safe place.
"I will."
Ghanima
Ghanima reached out to cup his face with her free hand, leaning in to place a kiss upon his cheek. "Do not tarry too long," she said softly, pressing her forehead to his. "Irulan and Harah may team up to come after you, so their newest charge can have her naming ceremony."
Leto
He leaned his head against hers, then kissed her back. "Perhaps you will have to order someone to keep them distracted," he said. "I won't stay longer than necessary."
But how long that would be no one knew.
Ghanima
A spark of mischief lit on Ghani's face, and she laughed quietly. "Perhaps I shall give your daughter flying lessons, and see if Irulan's mastery of the Litany has improved," she suggested impishly. "But I can manage them, never fear."
Reluctantly she pulled back, busying herself with brushing invisible sand off his shoulder. "I will go and have the Spice sent in. Sallamaka al-lahu wa-nasaraka."
Leto
"I have no doubt in that, sister." Yes, Ghanima could make him smile even in a moment like this, and his daughter would be safe with her.
(OOC: Preplayed with the fantabuloso future_sandworm and atreideslioness, and this is why the wee one's birth hasn't been announced yet -- everyone's a smidge distracted. NFI, NFB, but OOC is love.)