(Untitled)

[notyourfred]

He opens the door quietly, reaching to turn on the lamp by the bed, revealing a tidy flat and a kitten in exhausted slumber wrapped around a furry mouse. Alex follows Indigo inside and locks the door behind them, then reaches to press his key into Indigo's palm

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[indigobruise]

Indigo slips the key into his pocket and sits gingerly on the couch. He can't look at Alex. He pulls the pillow into his lap and fiddles with the corner of it, just for something to do with his hands.

The alcohol has worn off.

Tyger lifts her head, greeting the boys with a little mew before laying back down to sleep.

[notyourfred]

He sits quietly, feet pulled up under himself, watching Indigo toy with the pillow.

"So."

He bites his lip, chewing nervously for a moment, then sighs.

"We need to decide what our plan is going to be. I need to know exactly what promises you want me to keep. Do I just not say anything about anything, or do I make you eat at least something every day? Or... Do I try to go with you, to hospital? I just have no idea..."

[indigobruise]

He knows what he should say. He knows what he needs, he knows what he made Alex promise to do above all else, he knows what his parents and Rose and everyone would want him to say.

But that isn't what he says.

"Just... don't say anything."

[notyourfred]

His heart sinks and he closes his eyes, blinking against the sudden warmth of tears, but heanages to keep them off his cheeks. Turns his head and wipes at them, not bothering to pretend he's doing something else.

And he nods. Whispers. "Okay."

[indigobruise]

"It's not okay." It's a broken whisper, soft, almost a sob. "I'm not okay. I know I'm not. But I'd rather be dying and feel good about it than be healthy and feel like I want to die..."

He inhales shakily. "And that's selfish. I know it is."

[notyourfred]

And it is, but it's what he's been telling Indigo. That he should be selfish, want what he wants for himself, and not for Rose or Alex or his parents...

But it's heartbreaking.

He slides over and puts his arms around Indigo and the pillow, burying his face into the warmth of Indigo's hair and neck, letting the tears fall.

"I don't care. I love you, and I want to be with you, and that's selfish too. I want you to be happy and not to fight and if it means you do this, and I keep my mouth shut, I'll do it to keep you..."

But in the back of his mind, he's dreading the wrath of Rose.

[indigobruise]

"Please don't cry." He pulls Alex tight against him, stroking his hair with shaking fingers. "Please don't cry, love..."

He can never tell Alex, but at that moment, he has never hated himself more. He's angry, furious with himself, he knows exactly how wrong it is, what he's asking Alex to do. He's even mad at Alex, irrationally, for staying. For promising to make him eat even if he begged not to and then going back on his promise. It's wrong, but it's exactly what Indigo wanted, and he's torn between feeling triumphant and disgusted with himself.

[notyourfred]

He can't help the tears, and doesn't bother to try to stop them. He's sentenced Indigo to starve by his inability to keep a promise... He's never gone back on his word. Not even stupid, meaningless promises to Roxanne, and the idea that he can't stand up for one now...

He shakes his head, biting back angry words, then pulls away and stands, walking to the corner and the table. Alex sinks into a chair and buries his face in folded arms.

[indigobruise]

Look what you've done. You've fucked this up.

Indigo doesn't move, just blinks back tears and watches Alex.

"...What are you thinking right now?" It's whispered, fearful, but he wants to know.

[notyourfred]

Alex doesn't answer for a moment. Can't. He can't move, doesn't care that his shirt sleeve is soaked, or that he's likely streaking his face with kohl...

His voice is rough when he manages it.

"That... I've never... broken my word before."

[indigobruise]

"I'll make a deal," he says, sitting up, his eyes dark and intense.

"Stop hooking. Promise to stop hooking right now, and I... I promise to eat. I promise to try to eat and I promise to go back to hospital if I can't."

[notyourfred]

"If I'm not hooking, there's not going to be a place to sleep, or anything to eat. I've been looking for a job for a week..."

He lifts his head slowly, wiping smeared mascara off his cheeks, then looks ay Indigo.

"The rent's paid until the end of the month. There's soup and cheese and stuff to make bread. If I don't find a job before it's due, two nights at this place I know will make the rent."

It's the best he can come up with, without leaving himself homeless.

[indigobruise]

"No..." He tries to sound firm, but it comes out in a shaken whisper.

"Please, Alex. Come to my house if you can't make rent. I'm looking for jobs now, and... There are other ways. I'll help you. Please."

[notyourfred]

"To..." He exhales slowly, resting his forehead in his hands. "I..."

He can't imagine leaving his little flat, but if he can't make rent, find a job, pay his own way...

"I..." He buries into folded arms again, dragging both hands through his hair, then lifts his head.

"Okay. Yes. If I don't find a job by the end of the month, I'll come with you."

[indigobruise]

Indigo exhales, an audible sigh of relief.

But he still has his own side of the bargain to uphold. If Alex is going to be entirely his, he needs to be entirely Alex's. "And if I... If I lose any weight by the end of the month, I'll go back to hospital. Deal?"

[notyourfred]

Alex nods slowly. "Yeah. Okay. Deal..." A tired hand moves over his face, wiping tears and smeared mascara away. He's not sure he's ever felt so drained after having done hardly anything at all.

"Have you eaten, then?" Because if he hasn't, he needs to.