A Good Day & My Dad...
I had the day off today and ended up spending some of it watching surgeries being performed right in front of my face at Regions Hospital Level 1 Trauma Center. It was absolutely amazing and doesn't make me doubt the new course of my life in any way, I more than anything want to be a nurse now.
I was flying high and I still had to head over to the University to pick up a few things and after that my dad took me out to lunch, reminiscing about his days at the University and that I was the only one of his four kids that chose to go there even though both my aunts, and my dad went there.
Needless to say, the conversation drifted to my transgendered status. But, not in a blunt way, no.
"You know who looks just like you now! Your nephew, he's the spitting image of how you used to be. He's going to grow up to be a big strong man, I can tell already."
"You know what your brother was saying about you, he said that if you were to lift weights you would have an amazing physique. You have the build to be a body builder!"
They just kept coming, but I was alright with it. At first it really got me down until I realized that my dad had no other firm ground to put his foot down on. He didn't use logic, he didn't use religion, he didn't use biology. No, he used reaffirmation. Once I realized this I realized that he understood two key things about me. The first of these being that it was my life and he was going to be there for me, but that he would still struggle with it the whole way. The second, the biggest one, was that he really had no argument against my transition.
He's seen me since I began, and he's seen how happy I am, how much thinner I have become, and in shape. He's seen me finally follow my dream and go back to college. He's seen me straighten everything about my life out.
A few months ago we were talking about this and he asked me (in a way that was more of a 'think about this, because it's a damned good point' comment than a question), "What if you get done with this and you are unhappy about it? What if you have the surgery and live the life and this isn't what you wanted?"
I responded without having to think about it, "So be it. If that is the way of things than I have at least found some months or years of peace in the interim. If I don't do this you won't have me in this world for much longer. And, if I do this and it makes me unhappy than we can look back and see the good there was before the end."
I think that scared him, and he really truly thought about the suffering I've done, and I'm done with that. It's time to get on with life, to move forward.
I was flying high and I still had to head over to the University to pick up a few things and after that my dad took me out to lunch, reminiscing about his days at the University and that I was the only one of his four kids that chose to go there even though both my aunts, and my dad went there.
Needless to say, the conversation drifted to my transgendered status. But, not in a blunt way, no.
"You know who looks just like you now! Your nephew, he's the spitting image of how you used to be. He's going to grow up to be a big strong man, I can tell already."
"You know what your brother was saying about you, he said that if you were to lift weights you would have an amazing physique. You have the build to be a body builder!"
They just kept coming, but I was alright with it. At first it really got me down until I realized that my dad had no other firm ground to put his foot down on. He didn't use logic, he didn't use religion, he didn't use biology. No, he used reaffirmation. Once I realized this I realized that he understood two key things about me. The first of these being that it was my life and he was going to be there for me, but that he would still struggle with it the whole way. The second, the biggest one, was that he really had no argument against my transition.
He's seen me since I began, and he's seen how happy I am, how much thinner I have become, and in shape. He's seen me finally follow my dream and go back to college. He's seen me straighten everything about my life out.
A few months ago we were talking about this and he asked me (in a way that was more of a 'think about this, because it's a damned good point' comment than a question), "What if you get done with this and you are unhappy about it? What if you have the surgery and live the life and this isn't what you wanted?"
I responded without having to think about it, "So be it. If that is the way of things than I have at least found some months or years of peace in the interim. If I don't do this you won't have me in this world for much longer. And, if I do this and it makes me unhappy than we can look back and see the good there was before the end."
I think that scared him, and he really truly thought about the suffering I've done, and I'm done with that. It's time to get on with life, to move forward.