(no subject)
i have to give a speech in four hours. the speech is written out but last time i spoke it out loud it took over twice the time limit to complete. my face got red and i stuttered a lot. like, a lot. and i get nervous twitches. all of this just in front of mallory. and in four hours it will have to be in front of my teacher and the entire class. im the worst public speaker you could ever see. the speech isnt even memorized and i havent made notecards. i know exactly what words i am going to stutter on and im probably going to cry.
i am soooo fuckingggg scared of public speaking.
mallory went into one of her bipolar fits again yesterday. i never get mad at her no matter how bad she treats me sometimes. almost every night she talks about how she wants to be in love and how no one could ever love her that way and it makes me pretty sad because im pretty sure i do. it must be more of a painful situation for me than it is for her. and im starting to think im perverted twisted and sick. because this poor girl obviously doesnt want to be with me that way but i cant stop thinking about her that way either. and it really isnt anything to do with sex. i mean, i think shes beautiful but thats not that point. i could honestly see myself living with her for the rest of my life. this really is a terrible situation.i dont know what id say if i were to say something to her about it, it could completely change everything and i dont want that. i dont want her to feel awkward and not want to be around me anymore or stop giving me hugs. i am the destroyer of perfectly fine friendships.
i wont say anything to her though. im just going to let things go the way they have been going because besides from that its been great. and hopefully these feelings will eventually just die down.
i am soooo fuckingggg scared of public speaking.
mallory went into one of her bipolar fits again yesterday. i never get mad at her no matter how bad she treats me sometimes. almost every night she talks about how she wants to be in love and how no one could ever love her that way and it makes me pretty sad because im pretty sure i do. it must be more of a painful situation for me than it is for her. and im starting to think im perverted twisted and sick. because this poor girl obviously doesnt want to be with me that way but i cant stop thinking about her that way either. and it really isnt anything to do with sex. i mean, i think shes beautiful but thats not that point. i could honestly see myself living with her for the rest of my life. this really is a terrible situation.i dont know what id say if i were to say something to her about it, it could completely change everything and i dont want that. i dont want her to feel awkward and not want to be around me anymore or stop giving me hugs. i am the destroyer of perfectly fine friendships.
i wont say anything to her though. im just going to let things go the way they have been going because besides from that its been great. and hopefully these feelings will eventually just die down.