Reflections, I suppose
I've been in a strange mood recently. Reflective. I don't like it. I prefer to be unaware of my problems, or at least to ignore them for as long as possible. Thinking about it makes me sad, more than sad really, depressed is more accurate. Sometimes angry, but mainly depressed. Even when I'm angry, I'm never angry at the right person. I don't confront the one who causes all this, I get angry at myself...for being angry. Makes a whole lot of sense, don't it?
I've come to the conclusion that I really don't like to feel. I actually prefer to be numb. What the hell is wrong with me? I think a big chunk of it is just my craziness, about 98% of it is just me. But 2%, just a measly 2%, but still, comes down to my friends here. (or lack there of) I kind of tried to talk to two or three of my "friends" down here about it, but they either laugh it off and make stupid jokes, or just don't really listen, or just start babbling some crap about how I've been acting weird ever since the summer.
I'm just tired of this whole thing I guess. I mean, it just sucks b/c it doesn't ever get any easier. I don't want life to be a cake walk, I just wish it didn't seem like such a constant struggle. I just want to be normal, whatever that is.
I'm really kind of reluctant to even talk about this, but this whole Terri Schiavo thing really has been giving me problems. Not just because she died, but because when it really comes down too it, she died because of her eating disorder. She was bulimic, and it killed her. It's really scary for me. I just keep thinking that this voice inside my head will never shut up and it could kill me. It's just a dose of reality for me I guess. Just this constant voice in my head keeps telling me that I'll never be good enough, no matter how thin I get. It seems like my only options are too fight it the rest of my life, or to just give in and let it kill me.
I kind of thought that writing all this down somewhere would help me put it out of my head, but it really hasn't helped at all. I give up, I'm going to bed.
I've come to the conclusion that I really don't like to feel. I actually prefer to be numb. What the hell is wrong with me? I think a big chunk of it is just my craziness, about 98% of it is just me. But 2%, just a measly 2%, but still, comes down to my friends here. (or lack there of) I kind of tried to talk to two or three of my "friends" down here about it, but they either laugh it off and make stupid jokes, or just don't really listen, or just start babbling some crap about how I've been acting weird ever since the summer.
I'm just tired of this whole thing I guess. I mean, it just sucks b/c it doesn't ever get any easier. I don't want life to be a cake walk, I just wish it didn't seem like such a constant struggle. I just want to be normal, whatever that is.
I'm really kind of reluctant to even talk about this, but this whole Terri Schiavo thing really has been giving me problems. Not just because she died, but because when it really comes down too it, she died because of her eating disorder. She was bulimic, and it killed her. It's really scary for me. I just keep thinking that this voice inside my head will never shut up and it could kill me. It's just a dose of reality for me I guess. Just this constant voice in my head keeps telling me that I'll never be good enough, no matter how thin I get. It seems like my only options are too fight it the rest of my life, or to just give in and let it kill me.
I kind of thought that writing all this down somewhere would help me put it out of my head, but it really hasn't helped at all. I give up, I'm going to bed.