dear much-neglected livejournal...
i don't know why i go such long periods of time without posting to this virtual confessional. i should know by now that my life is smoother when i purge my thoughts and feelings through my finger tips... straight to the world wide web. for your reading pleasure. how emo of me. i need to express myself through the written word. on livejournal.
i have come to realize that we (or at least i) live life according to realities that we are familiar with. several realities make up my life. my reality at work. my reality at home. my reality with my friends. my reality with my family. my reality of me being by myself. each reality has it's own set of rules and expectations, and that is comforting. the idea behind these realities is that you can pretty much assume that things will be the way they always have been. you know how to behave, and you know how the things around you will behave in response. habit, i guess is another way to look at it.
i'm pretty good at rolling with life, and just taking changes in these realities as they come. for instance, the reality of my life here in san fernando has changed greatly over the last few months. my comfort zone used to be building 8, room 212. parties 2 to 3 times a week. the rest of the time was taken up by class, halo, eating fast food, and working. that was life. for an entire year. and it was comforting.
now, while moving a mere 2 or 3 blocks north, my reality has changed completely. the group of people i see everyday is a lot smaller. i haven't had or been to a big party in several months. i've started cooking for myself. i don't have anything to do with my time other than work. it's weird to think about where you are now in comparison to some other fixed point in time passed.
so like i said before, i'm pretty good at rolling with changes in my realities, and better yet, i seem to be pretty good at recognizing when changes need to be made. for example, work has really sucked lately. seems like everyone i grew attached to at my store has left, our new manager is an awful person to work with, and our new assistant manager is worse. thus, i put the necessary processes in motion in order to gain myself a transfer to a starbucks that is a five-minute walk away from my apartment. it went through. now, i will have a new manager, new coworkers, new customers, new surroundings, and i don't have to drive to work. perfect. problem solved.
in living life the way that i do, there are inherent flaws. while i do not stress out easily, and don't let small changes in these realities throw me off balance (too much... other times it takes nothing more than a mistaken omelet to freak me out... well f*ck man...), i tend to roll with changes without thinking about it for such great periods of time that i start to get speed wobbles. one day, i wake up, and i look at my life and say, "wow, when did all of this happen?" suddenly things aren't operating the way i expect them to, or think they should. suddenly things are harder than i remember, and i'm not sure why.
it's at this point that i guess the only thing to do is reform my realities. redraw the boundaries. re-lay down the rules. get back on track, and get back in my right mind. i need to adjust to the changes that have happened, and start living accordingly.
---
in the same way that i don't like being around people that make things overly-dramatic too much, i don't like being in situations that seem to be over-complicated. it's frusterating. it's like, "this is supposed to be so easy, why do i have to deal with this?" it's weird too, because when i really think about it, situations and circumstances in my life conveniently work out for the best more than they don't... i seem to forget about things that work out though...
---
i'm convinced that everything happens for a reason, and everything that happens is means to a greater end... however, this leads to a feeling of lack of control. sometimes i feel like i have little control over what happens in my life... there are certain steps i can take to try to change the course of a few things, whether it be my working situation, or a developing relationship, but for the most part, things are going to happen as they will. realities are going to change, with or without my consent, whether they be that changes that i wanted/expected or not...
---
i've been plagued recently with an undying yearning to make music. as a result, i'm trying to form a rap project with a friend, and i'm experimenting with playing some different things that have been floating around in my head for a while over canned, garage band beats... just to see what comes of it...
there seems to be a weird block. i get random ideas for a line or two of a song. i get random ideas for licks and riffs of another song... yet, i can't imagine how one could ever take the two and put them together into a cohesive piece of art that actually conveys some sort of meaning. for now, my artistic release will continue to be random doodlings with two or three lines of lyrics next to them, and a TextEdit document entitled "ideas" that will ever-reside on my computer. whenever i get an idea for a song or lyric, i just add it to the top of the list... sort of like a digital art journal or something... maybe i'll make something of all of those random ideas one day.
---
i'm really strapped for cash right now. i can't seem to get the hours i need, while i have a speeding ticket and several parking tickets to pay off. i'm hoping mtv works out yet again this summer so i can get another tattoo and be back to a comfortable checking account balance...
---
girls are crazy. when i sit here and really think about it, i would say the general subject of "girls" in one vein or another is always on my mind. 's really the only thing i think about. "what is she doing now?" "when will i see her again?" "i wonder if she's thinking about me..." "i wonder what she's thinking about me..." i hate it and love it at the same time.
---
pretty sure that's all for now. stay classy.
i have come to realize that we (or at least i) live life according to realities that we are familiar with. several realities make up my life. my reality at work. my reality at home. my reality with my friends. my reality with my family. my reality of me being by myself. each reality has it's own set of rules and expectations, and that is comforting. the idea behind these realities is that you can pretty much assume that things will be the way they always have been. you know how to behave, and you know how the things around you will behave in response. habit, i guess is another way to look at it.
i'm pretty good at rolling with life, and just taking changes in these realities as they come. for instance, the reality of my life here in san fernando has changed greatly over the last few months. my comfort zone used to be building 8, room 212. parties 2 to 3 times a week. the rest of the time was taken up by class, halo, eating fast food, and working. that was life. for an entire year. and it was comforting.
now, while moving a mere 2 or 3 blocks north, my reality has changed completely. the group of people i see everyday is a lot smaller. i haven't had or been to a big party in several months. i've started cooking for myself. i don't have anything to do with my time other than work. it's weird to think about where you are now in comparison to some other fixed point in time passed.
so like i said before, i'm pretty good at rolling with changes in my realities, and better yet, i seem to be pretty good at recognizing when changes need to be made. for example, work has really sucked lately. seems like everyone i grew attached to at my store has left, our new manager is an awful person to work with, and our new assistant manager is worse. thus, i put the necessary processes in motion in order to gain myself a transfer to a starbucks that is a five-minute walk away from my apartment. it went through. now, i will have a new manager, new coworkers, new customers, new surroundings, and i don't have to drive to work. perfect. problem solved.
in living life the way that i do, there are inherent flaws. while i do not stress out easily, and don't let small changes in these realities throw me off balance (too much... other times it takes nothing more than a mistaken omelet to freak me out... well f*ck man...), i tend to roll with changes without thinking about it for such great periods of time that i start to get speed wobbles. one day, i wake up, and i look at my life and say, "wow, when did all of this happen?" suddenly things aren't operating the way i expect them to, or think they should. suddenly things are harder than i remember, and i'm not sure why.
it's at this point that i guess the only thing to do is reform my realities. redraw the boundaries. re-lay down the rules. get back on track, and get back in my right mind. i need to adjust to the changes that have happened, and start living accordingly.
---
in the same way that i don't like being around people that make things overly-dramatic too much, i don't like being in situations that seem to be over-complicated. it's frusterating. it's like, "this is supposed to be so easy, why do i have to deal with this?" it's weird too, because when i really think about it, situations and circumstances in my life conveniently work out for the best more than they don't... i seem to forget about things that work out though...
---
i'm convinced that everything happens for a reason, and everything that happens is means to a greater end... however, this leads to a feeling of lack of control. sometimes i feel like i have little control over what happens in my life... there are certain steps i can take to try to change the course of a few things, whether it be my working situation, or a developing relationship, but for the most part, things are going to happen as they will. realities are going to change, with or without my consent, whether they be that changes that i wanted/expected or not...
---
i've been plagued recently with an undying yearning to make music. as a result, i'm trying to form a rap project with a friend, and i'm experimenting with playing some different things that have been floating around in my head for a while over canned, garage band beats... just to see what comes of it...
there seems to be a weird block. i get random ideas for a line or two of a song. i get random ideas for licks and riffs of another song... yet, i can't imagine how one could ever take the two and put them together into a cohesive piece of art that actually conveys some sort of meaning. for now, my artistic release will continue to be random doodlings with two or three lines of lyrics next to them, and a TextEdit document entitled "ideas" that will ever-reside on my computer. whenever i get an idea for a song or lyric, i just add it to the top of the list... sort of like a digital art journal or something... maybe i'll make something of all of those random ideas one day.
---
i'm really strapped for cash right now. i can't seem to get the hours i need, while i have a speeding ticket and several parking tickets to pay off. i'm hoping mtv works out yet again this summer so i can get another tattoo and be back to a comfortable checking account balance...
---
girls are crazy. when i sit here and really think about it, i would say the general subject of "girls" in one vein or another is always on my mind. 's really the only thing i think about. "what is she doing now?" "when will i see her again?" "i wonder if she's thinking about me..." "i wonder what she's thinking about me..." i hate it and love it at the same time.
---
pretty sure that's all for now. stay classy.