What the Hell Have I?
Sweet merciful crap. I don't even know where to start. It feels like it's been aeons since I fired off one of these things. It has, in a way. I mean the last one was way back in February. So much has changed and absolutely none of it has changed for the better...well except I'm typing this on my own laptop now as opposed to hers and I'm still working at Home Depot. I'm laying on a mattress in a what was most recently the dog's room at my parents' house. The walls are destroyed, the baseboards and molding chewed, the carpet has been decimated, and the whole thing reeks of dog piss. Why am I living like this when my wife and I have a wonderful 1011 square foot home in a good neighborhood? Because she kicked me out. I am surrounded by the few possessions that were truly “mine” in the partnership and she saddled me with the remaining balance on the loan she took out to pay off the credit card she had horrifically over-drawn. Her logic was “I bought your Xbox with it”. Even if that is the case that Xbox was only $400 and even considering two games that's still barely $500+. This fucking bill is over $2400! I have to pay $222.75 a month for the next year. Fucking horse shit. And the only reason I'm doing this at all is because apparently my mother's name is the primary and the ex merely co-signed. I also had to start my own checking account and she was going to start hers and we would close the joint account. However, she hasn't done that. That checking account is still active. Now every time she bounces a check it's my ass, too. And she'll bounce several. She has that nouveau riche mentality when it comes to money: her account is a sinking boat at sea, her debt is the water pouring in through the hole, and her income is the bilge pump. As long as her income is equal to (Satan forbid it be more than) her monthly debt she thinks she's doing alright. Of course, if a financial emergency comes around then she's screwed. And since my name is still on the account that's going to fuck up my already non-existent credit.
However, her handling of the checking/savings account situation is quite indicative of her handling of the rest of our relationship. I'm the one who has to bend over backwards, inconveniencing myself to do something with the expectation that she will do something at least similar and uphold her end of the arrangement. In the end I go busting my ass exerting all the effort so the spoiled little twat can have her way and do whatever the fuck she wants, regardless of who else it affects. I'm the one in therapy, I'm then one on medication (something I was morally opposed to doing before) just to appease her and show her that I'm trying to change for the better. Meanwhile, she just continues going on about her life as if she were the only one who wasn't getting what they wanted from the relationship. I can assure you that, despite how much I wanted to save our marriage, she was far from perfect. Towards the end she was incredibly cold, I mean an ice queen all but dead inside. We barely said 5 words to each other in the last three weeks of our marriage. One night we were discussing splitting up and she asked “So when are you moving out?” in a manner so cold that it gave me frost bite.
I managed to pack my entire life in a ton truck and some overflow boxes in my parents' pickup truck. We unloaded it into their garage and it honestly took up so little space in one half of their two-car garage that there wasn't even a reason to have pulled mom's car out onto the street in the first place. I have roughly half of it in what used to be the dog's room when he was going through his puppy phase (it was my younger brother's room before that) and the other half barely stands as an inconvenience in their basement. My job at Home Depot barely pays $1000+ a month if I can get a full forty hours both weeks. I default to losing that $222.75 a month already. Then there's cell phone bills and cable (TV and\or internet) which won't leave me much for rent. I'm going to have rent a one room apartment in a demilitarized zone because it will be the only thing I can afford. I really don't want to stay in this house. I went from being in a home of our own to back in my parents' house. I feel like I'm fucking 15 again. It's humiliating to be almost 30 and worse off now than I was when I graduated high school. I have a shitty job and no prospects at all.
I won't even be able to see my dog anymore because I kind of tore into the ex the other night. She sent me a text asking if I had to work Thursday which is her way of setting up that I need to come pick up Sameji. I told her that she could watch the dog for a day, it wouldn't kill her. Then I added that I really didn't like coming out to the house anymore. I truly don't. It's like a mockery of my current situation. She has completely rearranged the insides of the house and has a friend there as a roommate, obviously chipping in some rent to help pay the bills. Meanwhile, I'm laying on very old sheets sleeping under a blanket as old as I can remember (it was on my parents' bed for the longest time. I can't remember another comforter on their bed). I had to use a rolled up sleeping bag as a pillow for the first week. Anyway her reply was “well fuck you too”. And I lost it. I told her that she threw me out of the house, destroyed my life, and left me even worse off than I was when I was 12 years ago. If either of us has the right to say fuck you, it's me. I concluded by quoting Bleeding Through's “Revenge I Seek”: “Fuck you forever; I'll despise you for the rest of my life”. Now I'm sure she'll never let me see the dog again.
I might be able to cope with all of these other things. I might be able to handle the pedestrian job and the horrible situation. However, a very good friend of mine who had offered to be there and help me g through it all died of a heroin overdose on the 21st. I feel terribly guilty about it. I know I didn't do it, and I don't think I could have prevented it, but after I posted on Facebook about the shrew tossing me out she replied that she felt sorry for me and even left her phone number if I needed anyone to talk to. I feel like if I had called her or texted her and had been talking to her she might not have shot up. She might not have overdosed. I went to her funeral and when they asked people to share memories of her I got up and talked about when we met at Bluegrass Memorial Gardens to find our friend Soo-Jee's grave. Soo-Jee had died of a heroin overdose in '06. We sat out in the cemetery talking just talking and catching up for so long we actually got sunburned. It just sounds like something that only Lindsey and I could do, get sunburned from sitting in a cemetery. When I started to speak my throat closed up but my sinuses opened up. I made it through my little story choking back tears thinking about how we've lost another awesome person. Even now I'm starting to get kind of misty-eyed just thinking about it. Our friend Gina gave me a picture of her and Lindsey together. It's now in my wallet. The card from her funeral service is sitting on the dresser in here. I felt the loss of friends before, but this one hit particularly hard. It just added to the snowball of misery that is the rest of my life here. I'll miss you, Lindsey Lee.
I've been trying to look on the bright side, but that's getting harder and harder to find. After the ex tossed me out I was actually talking to a friend of mine that I had known (and had a crush on) since high school. Things were turning towards us having an actual relationship, but then when I was talking about coming to visit her again she started talking about how it would be between us with her being “so very religious” while I'm “so very not”. Long story short: that was the end of that. It's another blow...another nail in the coffin.
I guess a plus side is that I have been able to buy more video games. I've recently re-acquired Raycrisis for the Playstation, as well as Sword of the Berserk on the Dreamcast. I'm going to use the time I have to spend here wisely. I've just purchased a Toshiba Satellite laptop today (which has given me this opportunity to vent). My next step will be to build a new gaming desk top PC. I need to see how the cash situation fares going through this. I might be able to support myself to a decent extent and maybe even get a car payment going.
All in all I've gone through weeks of Hell on earth with no sign of relief. I'm still alive, but only because I lack the guts to pull the trigger. Maybe it will get better. Maybe something will come up and I will be ok. And if a frog had wings he wouldn't bump his ass when he hopped.
However, her handling of the checking/savings account situation is quite indicative of her handling of the rest of our relationship. I'm the one who has to bend over backwards, inconveniencing myself to do something with the expectation that she will do something at least similar and uphold her end of the arrangement. In the end I go busting my ass exerting all the effort so the spoiled little twat can have her way and do whatever the fuck she wants, regardless of who else it affects. I'm the one in therapy, I'm then one on medication (something I was morally opposed to doing before) just to appease her and show her that I'm trying to change for the better. Meanwhile, she just continues going on about her life as if she were the only one who wasn't getting what they wanted from the relationship. I can assure you that, despite how much I wanted to save our marriage, she was far from perfect. Towards the end she was incredibly cold, I mean an ice queen all but dead inside. We barely said 5 words to each other in the last three weeks of our marriage. One night we were discussing splitting up and she asked “So when are you moving out?” in a manner so cold that it gave me frost bite.
I managed to pack my entire life in a ton truck and some overflow boxes in my parents' pickup truck. We unloaded it into their garage and it honestly took up so little space in one half of their two-car garage that there wasn't even a reason to have pulled mom's car out onto the street in the first place. I have roughly half of it in what used to be the dog's room when he was going through his puppy phase (it was my younger brother's room before that) and the other half barely stands as an inconvenience in their basement. My job at Home Depot barely pays $1000+ a month if I can get a full forty hours both weeks. I default to losing that $222.75 a month already. Then there's cell phone bills and cable (TV and\or internet) which won't leave me much for rent. I'm going to have rent a one room apartment in a demilitarized zone because it will be the only thing I can afford. I really don't want to stay in this house. I went from being in a home of our own to back in my parents' house. I feel like I'm fucking 15 again. It's humiliating to be almost 30 and worse off now than I was when I graduated high school. I have a shitty job and no prospects at all.
I won't even be able to see my dog anymore because I kind of tore into the ex the other night. She sent me a text asking if I had to work Thursday which is her way of setting up that I need to come pick up Sameji. I told her that she could watch the dog for a day, it wouldn't kill her. Then I added that I really didn't like coming out to the house anymore. I truly don't. It's like a mockery of my current situation. She has completely rearranged the insides of the house and has a friend there as a roommate, obviously chipping in some rent to help pay the bills. Meanwhile, I'm laying on very old sheets sleeping under a blanket as old as I can remember (it was on my parents' bed for the longest time. I can't remember another comforter on their bed). I had to use a rolled up sleeping bag as a pillow for the first week. Anyway her reply was “well fuck you too”. And I lost it. I told her that she threw me out of the house, destroyed my life, and left me even worse off than I was when I was 12 years ago. If either of us has the right to say fuck you, it's me. I concluded by quoting Bleeding Through's “Revenge I Seek”: “Fuck you forever; I'll despise you for the rest of my life”. Now I'm sure she'll never let me see the dog again.
I might be able to cope with all of these other things. I might be able to handle the pedestrian job and the horrible situation. However, a very good friend of mine who had offered to be there and help me g through it all died of a heroin overdose on the 21st. I feel terribly guilty about it. I know I didn't do it, and I don't think I could have prevented it, but after I posted on Facebook about the shrew tossing me out she replied that she felt sorry for me and even left her phone number if I needed anyone to talk to. I feel like if I had called her or texted her and had been talking to her she might not have shot up. She might not have overdosed. I went to her funeral and when they asked people to share memories of her I got up and talked about when we met at Bluegrass Memorial Gardens to find our friend Soo-Jee's grave. Soo-Jee had died of a heroin overdose in '06. We sat out in the cemetery talking just talking and catching up for so long we actually got sunburned. It just sounds like something that only Lindsey and I could do, get sunburned from sitting in a cemetery. When I started to speak my throat closed up but my sinuses opened up. I made it through my little story choking back tears thinking about how we've lost another awesome person. Even now I'm starting to get kind of misty-eyed just thinking about it. Our friend Gina gave me a picture of her and Lindsey together. It's now in my wallet. The card from her funeral service is sitting on the dresser in here. I felt the loss of friends before, but this one hit particularly hard. It just added to the snowball of misery that is the rest of my life here. I'll miss you, Lindsey Lee.
I've been trying to look on the bright side, but that's getting harder and harder to find. After the ex tossed me out I was actually talking to a friend of mine that I had known (and had a crush on) since high school. Things were turning towards us having an actual relationship, but then when I was talking about coming to visit her again she started talking about how it would be between us with her being “so very religious” while I'm “so very not”. Long story short: that was the end of that. It's another blow...another nail in the coffin.
I guess a plus side is that I have been able to buy more video games. I've recently re-acquired Raycrisis for the Playstation, as well as Sword of the Berserk on the Dreamcast. I'm going to use the time I have to spend here wisely. I've just purchased a Toshiba Satellite laptop today (which has given me this opportunity to vent). My next step will be to build a new gaming desk top PC. I need to see how the cash situation fares going through this. I might be able to support myself to a decent extent and maybe even get a car payment going.
All in all I've gone through weeks of Hell on earth with no sign of relief. I'm still alive, but only because I lack the guts to pull the trigger. Maybe it will get better. Maybe something will come up and I will be ok. And if a frog had wings he wouldn't bump his ass when he hopped.