Life.
Life.
I don't know what I'm doing with it.I'm so confused with everything. I thought i knew what i wanted and then everything fell to shit. ever since the beginning of summer i have been fucked up in the head and even more recently. i don't know what i want out of life or what i want to do. i want to be a military officer and be in the military until i retire but when do i raise a family? and if i do raise one, will i be there to see them and raise them. i thought i had everything i wanted before summer and i felt that everything was where it was suppose to be and going all in the right direction. things happened and fucked me up. and looking back it did more damage as time goes. i haven't been caring about school like i should be and just sometimes hoping that they send me a letter to go overseas so i don't have to deal with school for a while. and sometimes i wish that i had everything back that i had before but i know i cant. but i just want something real. i know that for sure that that is one of the only things that i know. i been extremely moody and go from one end of the spectrum to the other in a matter of seconds and it just fucks up my day. ill be having fun with friends and for a split second think about something and someone and just puts me to shit, because i lost something that i thought i would have forever. id go through being thinking about the person being happy with them to remember what happened and it just messes with my head. i wanted what i had be for back but now i just want to get me back. and i tired to see if it was what i wanted and it wasn't the same. it can never be the same no matter what we do. but being with that person made me happy but then depressed at the same time. the events that happened prior would just replay in my head cycling through all the pain i went through, and how i felt alone and left with nothing for the longest time. i remember just laying on the floor of my apartment and just staring at the ceiling thinking of why this happened, what did i do, what can i do? and nights of sleeplessness laying in bed just thinking way too much in an empty 4 bed room apartment. and the shooting pains that were in my chest every time i thought about it. then leading in to heavy drinking to try and forget everything. learning that it just made it worse. picking up habits which lead me to think even more increasing my sleepless nights. i want what i had back so much. i wanted what i had back. now i don't know what i want.
just this past drill weekend we had a psychologist on board that we could have talked to about anything, but i didn't. and i wish i would have. maybe someone who has seen these problems before can help me put things into prospective. i know talking to people can help this especially friends but i don't want them to see me depressed and know my story about how i really feel. its not the tough guy complex, i just have a fear of being judged.
i have some awesome friends. many of which i have just begun to get close with. and its awesome, but i feel as if i am hiding my true self because i don't know who he is. i feel as if i am cheating myself to have closer friends because i close them out when things get tough on me. one of them i have been getting closer with sharing stories about everything and anything we can think of. and spending so much time together. but when serious things come up i shut down and give short answers to that person. i don't know why, maybe its just that fear that they will see me differently and wont want to around me as much. either way, im cheating myself on something that could turn out to be amazing.
i just haven't been myself and i want that back. who ever that was i want it back.
I don't know what I'm doing with it.I'm so confused with everything. I thought i knew what i wanted and then everything fell to shit. ever since the beginning of summer i have been fucked up in the head and even more recently. i don't know what i want out of life or what i want to do. i want to be a military officer and be in the military until i retire but when do i raise a family? and if i do raise one, will i be there to see them and raise them. i thought i had everything i wanted before summer and i felt that everything was where it was suppose to be and going all in the right direction. things happened and fucked me up. and looking back it did more damage as time goes. i haven't been caring about school like i should be and just sometimes hoping that they send me a letter to go overseas so i don't have to deal with school for a while. and sometimes i wish that i had everything back that i had before but i know i cant. but i just want something real. i know that for sure that that is one of the only things that i know. i been extremely moody and go from one end of the spectrum to the other in a matter of seconds and it just fucks up my day. ill be having fun with friends and for a split second think about something and someone and just puts me to shit, because i lost something that i thought i would have forever. id go through being thinking about the person being happy with them to remember what happened and it just messes with my head. i wanted what i had be for back but now i just want to get me back. and i tired to see if it was what i wanted and it wasn't the same. it can never be the same no matter what we do. but being with that person made me happy but then depressed at the same time. the events that happened prior would just replay in my head cycling through all the pain i went through, and how i felt alone and left with nothing for the longest time. i remember just laying on the floor of my apartment and just staring at the ceiling thinking of why this happened, what did i do, what can i do? and nights of sleeplessness laying in bed just thinking way too much in an empty 4 bed room apartment. and the shooting pains that were in my chest every time i thought about it. then leading in to heavy drinking to try and forget everything. learning that it just made it worse. picking up habits which lead me to think even more increasing my sleepless nights. i want what i had back so much. i wanted what i had back. now i don't know what i want.
just this past drill weekend we had a psychologist on board that we could have talked to about anything, but i didn't. and i wish i would have. maybe someone who has seen these problems before can help me put things into prospective. i know talking to people can help this especially friends but i don't want them to see me depressed and know my story about how i really feel. its not the tough guy complex, i just have a fear of being judged.
i have some awesome friends. many of which i have just begun to get close with. and its awesome, but i feel as if i am hiding my true self because i don't know who he is. i feel as if i am cheating myself to have closer friends because i close them out when things get tough on me. one of them i have been getting closer with sharing stories about everything and anything we can think of. and spending so much time together. but when serious things come up i shut down and give short answers to that person. i don't know why, maybe its just that fear that they will see me differently and wont want to around me as much. either way, im cheating myself on something that could turn out to be amazing.
i just haven't been myself and i want that back. who ever that was i want it back.