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Special Note to Chii-apper: I think that the route you go humor-wise is up to you. However, I would say that double-entendres work best in a conversation; in an app, they stick out a lot, especially for innocent characters like Chii. Also, the setup for the joke felt forced, and that’s never a good thing. So, I would say, just be Chii, and slip in the lemonade later.
And now, the Grand Poll.
This batchMajic RinNothing in this app really stood out for me. The fact that Majic didn’t notice that the thick, coppery-smelling, sticky fluid was also red was a bit disconcerting. I’m... really not sure what to say here, except that I didn’t get a good sense of the character from the app. Perhaps next time you could try exploiting his not-so-reliable sorcery for a more original effect?SoujirouThe ending of the second paragraph confused me. Also, the end of the third-to-last paragraph seemed a good place to stop for me, so perhaps you could stop there. I don’t know this canon, but is it normal for this guy to sound like an Army recruiter? It’s a good, strong voice, though! And it reminds me of Tohru, which is highly disturbing yet somewhat amusing all at once.GuybrushWhile I can see the kind of voice you were going for here, it fell kind of flat. Also, the lack of an apostrophe in “Captain’s” threw me off, and that’s not a good way to start the app. Next time, try exagerrating the voice more--in my experience, it’s better to be a little over-characterized than very under-characterized.KamioEr, there’s really no nice way to put this. If I were you, I would rewrite this app completely. The flow is very jerky, there are numerous spelling and grammar errors, and too much fanon. If you like the fanon, then you can work it in through play, but it’s way too much to start off with. I imagine you’ve heard this all before, though.
This batchEnvy #1Since the other Envy seems to have gotten in, the best thing I can suggest is to use whatever you’ve learned from the C&C the other players gave you and app a different character.Kazuki #1I bet this app didn’t format properly, huh? Aside from that, for me this app lacked a strong voice and amusement both. It just felt kinda... blah. If I were you, I would exagerrate the character’s quirks more, because the quirks are what will make your character stand out from the crowd.Kazuki #2This had a decent voice, but felt somewhat confused. As far as I can tell, he thinks that the tentacle monster is Soushi? But that doesn’t make sense to someone like me who’s unfamiliar with the series. Same with the “flying” line at the end. Next time, perhaps you should rely less on canon details (though the use of canon to paint a voice was quite good) so that people like me will not be confused.Kaname #1While the voice in this app was good and IC, nothing much happened in it. It lacked climaxes and lulls, and while it was short, this is a problem. Since the other Kaname got in, I would say, don’t give up, but use whatever you have learned to app a different character, Grasshopper.Yuuta #1While the strikeout part of the app made me guffaw (seriously), on the whole this app felt kind of bland. Also, though too much canon reference in an app is bad, there was no canon reference here unless the string pony thing is canon, in which case, wtf PoT. This made the app feel ungrounded--it could have been anyone. Next time, perhaps add more of what makes Yuuta Yuuta--his rivalry with his brother, maybe, or even just “Hey, Mizuki’s here. wtf man.”Yuuta #2This one felt very much like a narrative instead of a journal entry. Also, the punctutation was a bit of a problem--don’t be afraid to end sentences! Periods are your friends! Sorry I’m not too helpful on this one, but if I were you I would change the style to make it sound more like someone talking to themselves and less like a monologue. Yes, there is a difference.
This batchMarcoWhile I actually liked the voice very much, there wasn’t too much amusement in this app. Also, is this character the kind of guy who would reveal details about what seems to me to be a secret war, even in his own journal?Chris PerryI didn’t actually see too much wrong with this. However, since I’m not familiar with the series, and you were voted out, perhaps you were out of character?NagiI hate to be snarky about this, but I have three words of advice for you: spelling, grammar, and formatting. To be honest, this could be the most well-written, most in-character in the history of Camp Fuck You Die, and I would still vote out because the basics of comprehensible writing have been ignored.ToadWhile I got the idea of the character, the voice wasn’t quite enough. I’ve read writing theory that says you need to exagerrate whatever character you’re trying to write to monstrous proportions just to make them “visible” to the reader. Since everyone in CFUD is already a fictional character, you don’t need to do as much exagerration for us to see them, but since they’re not in their natural environment, you do need a little bit. Next time, try making him a little bit more nasty, or have him get into a mishap of some sort? Either of those would move this app along a bit, I think.MeyrinThe short paragraphs really break up whatever flow this app had going for it, and the ellipsis abuse doesn’t help. I’m sorry, I’m nearing the end of my attention span and haven’t seen the show, so there’s not much else I can say. If you fix those two problems, though, the app will be much improved, I think.