wow
its february 15th and its like 2 13 in the morning....i'm sick. i feel like i'm missing something, but i don't know what it is. i didn't go to school but i know it was just valentine's day. girls dressing like sluts, people exchanging stuff, people being let down, getting hurt, i never really liked valentines day. but this one was nice. even though i was sick at home and feeling miserable. besides the obviousness of that it was actually really awesome. it probably would have been better if i could have seen my friends and andrew could have stayed though. our band will never end up practicing. we are terrible people. i'm just gonna ramble on with whatever crosses my mind here so this is my exact thought process for a few minutes. you will actually witness my mind for a few minutes. lol. why i'm doing this i have no idea. i just am and i can. and most will think i'm crazy for this and most won't even read this far but yeah. you do that then? i feel totally delusional right now. like one of those moments where time has frozen and you have absolutely nothing to do so why not indulge in the moment and do something crazy. which is maybe a possible answer as to why i'm doing this. man do i have a headache. this really sucks. i should write with chalk on my driveway again sometime...that was fun. i was thinking today, how much of my messed up personality changed over the summer without any of my friends or anything to influence me. and if it was noticable when i came back. i feel like a different person than how i was freshman year. but i don't know how when i think about it. but its like i left something behind and i can't think of it. it's really quite annoying. school starts for everyone in 5 hours and 20 minutes. kevin is extremely annoying to me now. its really sad. i don't want to not like him because i want to be his friend but my mind keeps telling me otherwise. i think there's something wrong with my brain maybe. i mean you don't like people that do that to you...it doesn't work that way. at all. in any bit. i wonder where i'll be after high school. i can tell who i'll know and who i won't and who will be my friend in 20 years now. its just a matter of time before i lose control with some of them. kinda wierd to think about that. you know its coming you just don't know when exactly and how...but your just waiting. i hate that feeling so much. its terrible. i miss andrew a lot. i wish he lived here. that would make everything so much better. i mean knowing that hes at least in a reasonable driving distance would make me more satisfied but i'll deal with what i have because he's awesome. agh i can barely breathe. i better be feeling well by this weekend i have so much planned that i've been waiting months for. and i don't want to kill it now. i would die slowly. i'm trying really hard...and i have a lot to do and this sucks. i gotta finish drivers ed and fill out these damn scholarship things and catch up with all my homework from being sick and make sure i'm still doing everything homework wise to stay caught up in school so i don't fall behind cause i gotta keep my grades up to stay in the musical rehearsels which i'm gonna have to miss tomorrow because i'm staying home sick and i'm gonna have to learn what dance she teaches us tomorrow outside of rehearsel which cuts down the 3 hours i have everyday after school and rehearsel and other things i already need to do which is about an hour which means i have 2 hours to complete about 4-5 hours of homework each night and i will end up staying up forever. because on top of that theres all those little things you have to fit in like dinner and all that stuff...cause you need to eat to stay alive of course. then theres the millions of other things i need to finish up and i need to stay well and get sleep so i can do everything this weekend......wow theres the thoughts of rachels mind for 5 minutes and 28 seconds. hope you had fun...? i donno why i did that. blame it on the sickness...yeah i'll update later since i haven't updated in forever. buhbye...