(no subject)
I am not worthy of your love, and your grace, and your loyalty, but you make sure I feel it every second Lord.
This post may be hard for people to hear, seeing how I apparently offend people on livejournal when I speak of our Lord and savior, but to me this post will be very hard, and vulnerable for me to write. So know that it is not for you-
I did not understand what was going on Lord. I did not understand how I could possible being living for you, teaching for you, worshiping for you, breathing for you, but I could not receive your love. Last night you asked two of your children, your servents - Ellis and True to strap me down and ask me what I wanted. I could not even begin to explain to them how difficult it is to feel attached to God's love but not able to recieve it. Ellis looked me in the face and spoke again "Liz, what do you want?"
I WANT LOVE. I want to be able to tell every person on the street this passion in my heart because I feel it, and not because I know it. I want to not be the one who is always asking my friends how God is working in them, or be the one who is asked always to pray for other people. I want friends that want to love and sing and cry with the same heart as I. I want a someone to show me that I am not recieving love, and that I am only giving... and I want to learn how. I want to know that if I did not speak his son's name for the rest of my life that he would still love me. I want to understand that the reason i have a heart for children, music, people, the homeless and smiles, is not because of who i am, but because of who you are. I want to understand my passion, and I want to understand what love is....
for so long i have felt this void from God. This feeling that I needed to prove myself to him. I needed to know him to the level where people called me a leader in order to receive his love. That I had to prove how loyal and how much i loved him, for him to prove it to me. I thought that if he was not going to overwhelm be with passion in my heart, then that was because he wanted me to make sure that I helped others to find it in him.
Ellis told me that I was missing something in worldly relationships, and in my spiritual relationship that were parallel to the reason of why I am not recieving love. And why I feel like I must give in order to receive.
how do we recieve love?
How can we fathom the idea that NO MATTER WHAT WE DO, who we are, what we do not do, that God is going to love us no matter what? No matter the sin, no matter the seperation, how filthy we have been or are, or how many times he did what he wanted selfishly and without him, not matter how many times we cursed his name that he will simply lay on his knees and kiss our feet... how do we freaking understand that?!!? understand that he would give up everything, even his only son, for us... for us filthy disgusting children.
"The only way to understand this is simply because he says-' I AM' "- Ellis
what does that even mean? God doesn't have to show us love, or give us love, because he is love... he is my passion for music, and he is my heart. He is that feeling inside when you want to do something with joy, he is good... he is. I've been trying so long to find God's love. To figure out how I could just feel his love so hard every day... but I realize I do feel his love when I feel any love.
The other night I was crying in True's arms because I thought back to this time when I was a young child sitting in this room looking over the lake in our old house. For some reason I could remember at that moment in his arms how I felt sitting there as a child. I felt peace, and grace and joy, but mostly warmth... I told him that God made me remember that moment because he wanted me to see that he has always been with me, even before I knew him. That he did not become all of those things when I accept him for who he was, but rather that I understood all those things that had always been, because I accepted him....
True held me last night and prayed over me for an hour. At first I wanted to run out because I could not handle it. Still I could not recieve God's love... and then the whole prayer turned, then he asked the Lord to rid me of my broken relationship with my dad. At that point my heart completly broke in two. I realized that as earthly children it is very hard for us to understand that our Lord is our father. It is even harder to accept his love, when you do not recieve love properly from your earthy father... I layed down in the bathroom last night weeping because I realized that I do not need to recieve love from my dad... but my true father in heaven.
our parents are not our true parents children... God has loanded his children (us) to our parents because he has TRUSTED them with us. He has trust that they will raise them how they know, but that the love they need will not come from them, but from their true father. DO you understand how amazing that was? to finally understand that IT IS OK that my dad does not know properly how to love me, because he never was the pne to do that in the first place... I did not understand how to recieve God my father's love, because I never recieved it properly from my earthly father....
God broke me in two last night... and showed me who I have been, and who I am. Who i was, and how my heart felt was and is not who I am suppose to be, and in fact isn't who I am... I am a servant, a lover, and believer.. and not because I truly understand love, but because I can finally receive it...
Lord you are
This post may be hard for people to hear, seeing how I apparently offend people on livejournal when I speak of our Lord and savior, but to me this post will be very hard, and vulnerable for me to write. So know that it is not for you-
I did not understand what was going on Lord. I did not understand how I could possible being living for you, teaching for you, worshiping for you, breathing for you, but I could not receive your love. Last night you asked two of your children, your servents - Ellis and True to strap me down and ask me what I wanted. I could not even begin to explain to them how difficult it is to feel attached to God's love but not able to recieve it. Ellis looked me in the face and spoke again "Liz, what do you want?"
I WANT LOVE. I want to be able to tell every person on the street this passion in my heart because I feel it, and not because I know it. I want to not be the one who is always asking my friends how God is working in them, or be the one who is asked always to pray for other people. I want friends that want to love and sing and cry with the same heart as I. I want a someone to show me that I am not recieving love, and that I am only giving... and I want to learn how. I want to know that if I did not speak his son's name for the rest of my life that he would still love me. I want to understand that the reason i have a heart for children, music, people, the homeless and smiles, is not because of who i am, but because of who you are. I want to understand my passion, and I want to understand what love is....
for so long i have felt this void from God. This feeling that I needed to prove myself to him. I needed to know him to the level where people called me a leader in order to receive his love. That I had to prove how loyal and how much i loved him, for him to prove it to me. I thought that if he was not going to overwhelm be with passion in my heart, then that was because he wanted me to make sure that I helped others to find it in him.
Ellis told me that I was missing something in worldly relationships, and in my spiritual relationship that were parallel to the reason of why I am not recieving love. And why I feel like I must give in order to receive.
how do we recieve love?
How can we fathom the idea that NO MATTER WHAT WE DO, who we are, what we do not do, that God is going to love us no matter what? No matter the sin, no matter the seperation, how filthy we have been or are, or how many times he did what he wanted selfishly and without him, not matter how many times we cursed his name that he will simply lay on his knees and kiss our feet... how do we freaking understand that?!!? understand that he would give up everything, even his only son, for us... for us filthy disgusting children.
"The only way to understand this is simply because he says-' I AM' "- Ellis
what does that even mean? God doesn't have to show us love, or give us love, because he is love... he is my passion for music, and he is my heart. He is that feeling inside when you want to do something with joy, he is good... he is. I've been trying so long to find God's love. To figure out how I could just feel his love so hard every day... but I realize I do feel his love when I feel any love.
The other night I was crying in True's arms because I thought back to this time when I was a young child sitting in this room looking over the lake in our old house. For some reason I could remember at that moment in his arms how I felt sitting there as a child. I felt peace, and grace and joy, but mostly warmth... I told him that God made me remember that moment because he wanted me to see that he has always been with me, even before I knew him. That he did not become all of those things when I accept him for who he was, but rather that I understood all those things that had always been, because I accepted him....
True held me last night and prayed over me for an hour. At first I wanted to run out because I could not handle it. Still I could not recieve God's love... and then the whole prayer turned, then he asked the Lord to rid me of my broken relationship with my dad. At that point my heart completly broke in two. I realized that as earthly children it is very hard for us to understand that our Lord is our father. It is even harder to accept his love, when you do not recieve love properly from your earthy father... I layed down in the bathroom last night weeping because I realized that I do not need to recieve love from my dad... but my true father in heaven.
our parents are not our true parents children... God has loanded his children (us) to our parents because he has TRUSTED them with us. He has trust that they will raise them how they know, but that the love they need will not come from them, but from their true father. DO you understand how amazing that was? to finally understand that IT IS OK that my dad does not know properly how to love me, because he never was the pne to do that in the first place... I did not understand how to recieve God my father's love, because I never recieved it properly from my earthly father....
God broke me in two last night... and showed me who I have been, and who I am. Who i was, and how my heart felt was and is not who I am suppose to be, and in fact isn't who I am... I am a servant, a lover, and believer.. and not because I truly understand love, but because I can finally receive it...
Lord you are