In which our hero plagiarizes himself. A little.
I went back to school this fall. Don't know where it's going to lead just yet. I'm thinking seriously about law school, but who knows.
Been down a lot. Not on myself, because I feel like I'm doing almost everything I can about improving where I am in life. But still, life is pretty empty and unforgiving at times.
I was talking about that with a very good friend, and I feel what I said makes a pretty good reintroduction to this blogging thing. This is what I said:
It’s weird, and it’s difficult, because I could certainly be in any number of empty relationships. Empty because we were only together to keep ourselves from being alone. Trading my own happiness for security without any possibility of love? No thanks. I stayed with Alex, even though I was unhappy, because there was that spark, that little tiny ember, that gave me hope we could build something. It wasn’t meant to be, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t worth the effort.
I have incautiously embraced any number of dreams, and followed them through to their (mostly horrifying) conclusions. Does that make me lucky or unlucky? I don’t know, I don’t know.
So I’m a little more cautious now. And more than a little more self-aware. The dating pool for a gay man my age is vanishingly small. Those who are left unpartnered are mostly there by choice, and of those who are still willing to give it a go, the vast majority suffer from some character defect that makes them unsuitable to be someone with whom I could share interests. Statistically, it’s unlikely.
So where does that leave me? I don’t know. I’m merely trying to find out. Right now, everything is in flux, and it’s ok to be lonely, and it’s ok to acknowledge where I am in life. I’m not innocent. There were plenty of times I chased love away, or left an opportunity unfinished.
Change will come. This too shall pass. And every change I will try to embrace, and every passing I will try to acknowledge the opportunities that are left. Sometimes I will succeed. Sometimes I won’t. I hope that eventually the scales will tip a little more in my favor, but who knows?
And that’s life.
I hope to be around more.
Been down a lot. Not on myself, because I feel like I'm doing almost everything I can about improving where I am in life. But still, life is pretty empty and unforgiving at times.
I was talking about that with a very good friend, and I feel what I said makes a pretty good reintroduction to this blogging thing. This is what I said:
It’s weird, and it’s difficult, because I could certainly be in any number of empty relationships. Empty because we were only together to keep ourselves from being alone. Trading my own happiness for security without any possibility of love? No thanks. I stayed with Alex, even though I was unhappy, because there was that spark, that little tiny ember, that gave me hope we could build something. It wasn’t meant to be, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t worth the effort.
I have incautiously embraced any number of dreams, and followed them through to their (mostly horrifying) conclusions. Does that make me lucky or unlucky? I don’t know, I don’t know.
So I’m a little more cautious now. And more than a little more self-aware. The dating pool for a gay man my age is vanishingly small. Those who are left unpartnered are mostly there by choice, and of those who are still willing to give it a go, the vast majority suffer from some character defect that makes them unsuitable to be someone with whom I could share interests. Statistically, it’s unlikely.
So where does that leave me? I don’t know. I’m merely trying to find out. Right now, everything is in flux, and it’s ok to be lonely, and it’s ok to acknowledge where I am in life. I’m not innocent. There were plenty of times I chased love away, or left an opportunity unfinished.
Change will come. This too shall pass. And every change I will try to embrace, and every passing I will try to acknowledge the opportunities that are left. Sometimes I will succeed. Sometimes I won’t. I hope that eventually the scales will tip a little more in my favor, but who knows?
And that’s life.
I hope to be around more.