In which our hero contemplates his life's philosophy and is also running way behind
Dammit. Today was long and not very full and I've still managed to put myself so far behind I'm playing catch-up at 12:30 in the morning.
I've been writing this post in my head for most of the day. I know I've made similar posts to this blog in the past, but, as the song says, suddenly everything has changed.
So who am I now?
I am a man who knows a lot more about who he is and has learned a lot about how he's let other people define way too much of his life. And the kind of man who values people more than he ever will stuff. And the kind of man who will tell you exactly what he thinks, but who has learned a lot--especially extremely recently--how to temper that bluntness with love.
I am a man who wants to do the right thing, and when he does, does it because it is the right thing, not because of rewards temporal or spiritual.
I know what joy is. I'm still learning how to find it. And when I do, I will appreciate it even more.
I fight every day to take the small moments and make them count. And I fail. But that's ok, because the fight is worthwhile.
I don't know what's coming, folks. I really don't. I'm so lonely sometimes it causes actual physical pain. Being unemployed doesn't help. But, honestly, I think today I finally realized it's up to me to live in the fear that these things will continue or not. Nobody's holding my feet to the fire. It's ok to feel lonely, because my life is lonely right now. It's ok to be afraid, because my life is scary right now. I have always lived and carried my fears, my loneliness, what I now recognize as bitterness, from sad place into happy place. This circles back around to the post I had about trust, because my life has been scary and lonely and bitter and I have often felt I needed those things to come with me as I travelled into "better" places. It's like packing for vacation and taking everything you want to get away from with you: It simply doesn't work.
I can only hope that now that I recognize this, I have the strength to let it go. I think I do, now. I didn't before, but I wasn't me before. I was a shadow of myself.
I've been writing this post in my head for most of the day. I know I've made similar posts to this blog in the past, but, as the song says, suddenly everything has changed.
So who am I now?
I am a man who knows a lot more about who he is and has learned a lot about how he's let other people define way too much of his life. And the kind of man who values people more than he ever will stuff. And the kind of man who will tell you exactly what he thinks, but who has learned a lot--especially extremely recently--how to temper that bluntness with love.
I am a man who wants to do the right thing, and when he does, does it because it is the right thing, not because of rewards temporal or spiritual.
I know what joy is. I'm still learning how to find it. And when I do, I will appreciate it even more.
I fight every day to take the small moments and make them count. And I fail. But that's ok, because the fight is worthwhile.
I don't know what's coming, folks. I really don't. I'm so lonely sometimes it causes actual physical pain. Being unemployed doesn't help. But, honestly, I think today I finally realized it's up to me to live in the fear that these things will continue or not. Nobody's holding my feet to the fire. It's ok to feel lonely, because my life is lonely right now. It's ok to be afraid, because my life is scary right now. I have always lived and carried my fears, my loneliness, what I now recognize as bitterness, from sad place into happy place. This circles back around to the post I had about trust, because my life has been scary and lonely and bitter and I have often felt I needed those things to come with me as I travelled into "better" places. It's like packing for vacation and taking everything you want to get away from with you: It simply doesn't work.
I can only hope that now that I recognize this, I have the strength to let it go. I think I do, now. I didn't before, but I wasn't me before. I was a shadow of myself.