In which our hero puts it all behind him
It's long past time. In fits and starts, I've been letting go of the little pieces of Tj I had left. Since I got back from San Francisco, I've felt "over" him, but there were still things not quite in place to say that I didn't feel anything for him.
I doubt I'll every really be able to say "Oh, yeah, I am completely over him." I couldn't say that about Alex. I can't say that about Justin. I can't even say it about Eddie, and we hate each other.
But I loved Tj most. I know, Alex, that you read this and I hope that doesn't hurt, because I know you loved me best, though there wasn't any way we could ever work.
But no matter...all of it, best, most, worst, whatever...it's the past now. And it's gone. And it's over.
The future belongs to me.
Gratitude blogging:
This came up in therapy today. As always, it's worth noting, because even though (or maybe because!) it comes from a sci-fi novel, it's helpful:
"I must not fear.
Fear is the mind killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me,
And when it is gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain."
-- Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear
I have new fiction that's almost ready for your perusal. It's a surprise still, but it's...coming along.
Man, I have more to say, but if I don't hit "Post soon, I might not ever finish!
I doubt I'll every really be able to say "Oh, yeah, I am completely over him." I couldn't say that about Alex. I can't say that about Justin. I can't even say it about Eddie, and we hate each other.
But I loved Tj most. I know, Alex, that you read this and I hope that doesn't hurt, because I know you loved me best, though there wasn't any way we could ever work.
But no matter...all of it, best, most, worst, whatever...it's the past now. And it's gone. And it's over.
The future belongs to me.
Gratitude blogging:
- My therapist, Kim. (I think this her second appearance on this, but no matter.) I've been in therapy before, but for whatever reasons, this time it's taking hold in ways I never expected. A lot of that is my commitment to feeling better, feeling good for the first time, I think, maybe ever, but Kim helps in infinitesimal ways. And great big universal-type ways, as well.
- Change. The capacity, the process, and the action.
- kashicatPhyl. You really do inspire me.
- Surprises. I used to hate them, but now I seem to have come to rely on them.
- Ryan. You are the funniest person I know, and one of the most kind and caring. I wish you had a gay brother. Why don't you have a gay brother?
This came up in therapy today. As always, it's worth noting, because even though (or maybe because!) it comes from a sci-fi novel, it's helpful:
"I must not fear.
Fear is the mind killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me,
And when it is gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain."
-- Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear
I have new fiction that's almost ready for your perusal. It's a surprise still, but it's...coming along.
Man, I have more to say, but if I don't hit "Post soon, I might not ever finish!