i had some dreams. they were clouds in my coffee.
Last night I went on gay.com, primarily to amuse myself and escape some of the pain that comes from seeing Tim (we had dinner last night.) Naturally, since I'm amusing and funny and shit, I get hit on all the time, even though my bio line states quite clearly that I'm just there to chat. Anyway, most of the private messages are pretty easy to disregard ("You're hot" says he. "Uh...thanx. Just here to chat" says I.) Sometimes, though, the guy seems genuinely interesting, so I'll see where it goes, until it goes too far, and then I'm outta there.
Last night, I was being my usual flirtatious self, and a cute guy sent me a private message, and we were chatting and so forth, but he was getting way too "let's hook-up" for me, so I really laid into him about it. And, to my surprise, he just went away. I actually felt kinda bad about it, but really didn't think much about it. I also was chatting with someone I did think was cute, and tried to finagle a date with him, but he wasn't interested, either in me or in the concept of a "date." Which was ok. I was simultaneously anticipating & dreading him saying yes, anyway.
This morning, there was an email from gay.com saying that guy #1 (the one I had laid into) had requested to be added as a buddy on the instant-messenger part of gay.com That seemed weird, considering how badly I had treated him, so I approved it, but really thought that he'd sent the request earlier & there'd been a delay in the sending of it.
Tonight, I got home and for some reason, in spite of everything else that I was intending to do, got on gay.com. I wasn't planning on it, but suddenly there I was. I was having a nice quiet evening, planning out some website stuff, chatting with James on Yahoo, and the next thing I know, I'm logged into the Phoenix chat-room. And out of the blue, there's a private message from guy #1. I hadn't even realized he was logged on, and suddenly we were talking. And he was telling me nice things about myself, even though I was such a dick to him last night.
His name is Todd. He's 37. He's adorable. We talked for two hours on the phone tonight. We're having dinner (an actual date!) tomorrow night. I'm excited.
I'm still very mixed-emotional about Tim. I love him, I do. But he's never going to come around to my way of thinking. At least not anytime soon. If I knew that he would, like, for sure knew, I would wait however long it took for that to happen.
But...I deserve more than that. More than just waiting around, pining over love that won't, can't, love me back. So...here I go again, once more into the breech. It's just dinner, but it's very exciting.
Last night, I was being my usual flirtatious self, and a cute guy sent me a private message, and we were chatting and so forth, but he was getting way too "let's hook-up" for me, so I really laid into him about it. And, to my surprise, he just went away. I actually felt kinda bad about it, but really didn't think much about it. I also was chatting with someone I did think was cute, and tried to finagle a date with him, but he wasn't interested, either in me or in the concept of a "date." Which was ok. I was simultaneously anticipating & dreading him saying yes, anyway.
This morning, there was an email from gay.com saying that guy #1 (the one I had laid into) had requested to be added as a buddy on the instant-messenger part of gay.com That seemed weird, considering how badly I had treated him, so I approved it, but really thought that he'd sent the request earlier & there'd been a delay in the sending of it.
Tonight, I got home and for some reason, in spite of everything else that I was intending to do, got on gay.com. I wasn't planning on it, but suddenly there I was. I was having a nice quiet evening, planning out some website stuff, chatting with James on Yahoo, and the next thing I know, I'm logged into the Phoenix chat-room. And out of the blue, there's a private message from guy #1. I hadn't even realized he was logged on, and suddenly we were talking. And he was telling me nice things about myself, even though I was such a dick to him last night.
His name is Todd. He's 37. He's adorable. We talked for two hours on the phone tonight. We're having dinner (an actual date!) tomorrow night. I'm excited.
I'm still very mixed-emotional about Tim. I love him, I do. But he's never going to come around to my way of thinking. At least not anytime soon. If I knew that he would, like, for sure knew, I would wait however long it took for that to happen.
But...I deserve more than that. More than just waiting around, pining over love that won't, can't, love me back. So...here I go again, once more into the breech. It's just dinner, but it's very exciting.