filling the hollow
That's the thing: You can't. foucaultonacid just made a point to me about decorating the abyss, and that seems to suit me just fine. I've been searching, I've been a seeker, for answers to questions that don't have any answers, and finding answers that don't have any questions. The point isn't to find those answers, those questions; the point is that we should look. This is more than a relief; it's a comfort.
Still, it's all acts of will on my part to just keep going. And I am feeling a little grateful that I can accomplish that. Just not sure where I should direct that gratitude.
John called last night around midnight to yell at me. And I do mean yell. He was pissed-off at me for an email I sent him, basically laying out that I wouldn't be returning to church anymore, for (what I thought was) a good reason. He was having none of it. See: I don't go to church for God. I'm pretty sure, actually, that "God" doesn't fucking exist. I think Christ was probably just insane, but in all the right ways. I think there are forces more powerful than imagining that operate within the universe, but I also think it's the heart of hubris to pretend to know what they are, and what they might want. So, it's not out of religious devotion that I go. It's a sense of community, of bringing myself into a place I wouldn't ordinarily be, and seeing a different side of gay life than what I've always exposed myself to. (Ok...that last subordinate is unintentionally hilarious, but I'm leaving it. )
Anyway...long story short (I know: too late), guess who dragged his sorry ass to church this morning? Then we went to lunch and made fun of people. It was good. I went and bought dog-treats at the dollar store, came home, threw myself into bed for a couple hours, and then started working around the house. I made a delightful chicken sandwich for dinner, walked the dog, and sat down to write...which has meant spending the last hour on livejournal, fucking around.
Oh well....I need to go put gas in the car. I have to get up early. Tom's going to have the oil changed tomorrow morning for me, but he wants me up over the mountain by christ-thirty, so I have to get gas tonight. Eh...the dog hasn't gone for many rides in the car this week, so I'll take him with. It's such a simple thing, but it makes him so happy, and I'm sitting here grinning like an idiot thinking about that.
I don't know about this all. Life is just so fucked-up it has to be beautiful, even when it's ugly. It's all about stopping to notice that, I guess.
Still, it's all acts of will on my part to just keep going. And I am feeling a little grateful that I can accomplish that. Just not sure where I should direct that gratitude.
John called last night around midnight to yell at me. And I do mean yell. He was pissed-off at me for an email I sent him, basically laying out that I wouldn't be returning to church anymore, for (what I thought was) a good reason. He was having none of it. See: I don't go to church for God. I'm pretty sure, actually, that "God" doesn't fucking exist. I think Christ was probably just insane, but in all the right ways. I think there are forces more powerful than imagining that operate within the universe, but I also think it's the heart of hubris to pretend to know what they are, and what they might want. So, it's not out of religious devotion that I go. It's a sense of community, of bringing myself into a place I wouldn't ordinarily be, and seeing a different side of gay life than what I've always exposed myself to. (Ok...that last subordinate is unintentionally hilarious, but I'm leaving it. )
Anyway...long story short (I know: too late), guess who dragged his sorry ass to church this morning? Then we went to lunch and made fun of people. It was good. I went and bought dog-treats at the dollar store, came home, threw myself into bed for a couple hours, and then started working around the house. I made a delightful chicken sandwich for dinner, walked the dog, and sat down to write...which has meant spending the last hour on livejournal, fucking around.
Oh well....I need to go put gas in the car. I have to get up early. Tom's going to have the oil changed tomorrow morning for me, but he wants me up over the mountain by christ-thirty, so I have to get gas tonight. Eh...the dog hasn't gone for many rides in the car this week, so I'll take him with. It's such a simple thing, but it makes him so happy, and I'm sitting here grinning like an idiot thinking about that.
I don't know about this all. Life is just so fucked-up it has to be beautiful, even when it's ugly. It's all about stopping to notice that, I guess.