(no subject)
life is predictable at times and baffling at others.
my mind always tricks me though. always, it never fails.
i'm losing my bestfriend again because he can't pay rent.
it makes me sad.
yeah, so my bestfriend, and pretty much only long-term friend is one of those people who disappear for months on end everytime they say goodbye.
it isn't a meaningless goodbye.
it is for real.
i saw a note written with someone's finger on the dust on my tv:
"see red, feel blue"--
i'm not sure what the original author meant by it.
i thought about blood though and cutting myself.
and how when i see blood
i can feel like myself, "BLUE".
i had a school-girl crush on a girl. i'm so foolish.
it wasn't romantic, purely sexual. and apparently one-sided.
perhaps i will just stick with my usual medication:
one dose of masturbation 4/5 times a day.
the only thing that i can still feel stabbing into my spine
is the regret that nobody will ever be able
to convince this girl that she is captivating and beautiful.
and she is worth the world, if she would just look in the right place.
i'm not saying that i could give it to her...
just that she always sells herself short.
i'm still losing weight. 75 lbs. down the drain now.
i feel weird looking at myself naked in the mirror these days.
because it isn't the naked body i have been looking at for years.
i feel beautiful and it confuses me.
makes me also feel violated. i don't know.
work sucks. i have been working too much and i have no friends for comfort.
just mary jane and my always faithful perry.
at least i'm not waisting time with my life.
i have a job and i'm getting out of debt. i have a car.
doesn't seem like a waist but i still feel empty.
my mind always tricks me though. always, it never fails.
i'm losing my bestfriend again because he can't pay rent.
it makes me sad.
yeah, so my bestfriend, and pretty much only long-term friend is one of those people who disappear for months on end everytime they say goodbye.
it isn't a meaningless goodbye.
it is for real.
i saw a note written with someone's finger on the dust on my tv:
"see red, feel blue"--
i'm not sure what the original author meant by it.
i thought about blood though and cutting myself.
and how when i see blood
i can feel like myself, "BLUE".
i had a school-girl crush on a girl. i'm so foolish.
it wasn't romantic, purely sexual. and apparently one-sided.
perhaps i will just stick with my usual medication:
one dose of masturbation 4/5 times a day.
the only thing that i can still feel stabbing into my spine
is the regret that nobody will ever be able
to convince this girl that she is captivating and beautiful.
and she is worth the world, if she would just look in the right place.
i'm not saying that i could give it to her...
just that she always sells herself short.
i'm still losing weight. 75 lbs. down the drain now.
i feel weird looking at myself naked in the mirror these days.
because it isn't the naked body i have been looking at for years.
i feel beautiful and it confuses me.
makes me also feel violated. i don't know.
work sucks. i have been working too much and i have no friends for comfort.
just mary jane and my always faithful perry.
at least i'm not waisting time with my life.
i have a job and i'm getting out of debt. i have a car.
doesn't seem like a waist but i still feel empty.