019 ⚸
[HEY GUESS WHAT DAY IT IS! It's the first night of Hanukkah, and if you are Annie's friend, a friend of Annie's friend, or happen to have breasts, you have been invited over Annie's house for the celebration! And by invited, I definitely mean forced. Perhaps bodily dragged.
A. There is a really hideous-looking plastic menorah on a table next to the window. Like, it is a crime that something so aesthetically unpleasing has been allowed to exist. But, Annie seems rather proud of it. There is a single lit candle in front of it, which Annie is watching intensely. She's humming a little tune while she does so.
B. FOOD. Food is important. It's, like, the whole point of the holiday. There are many traditional dishes on the table, such as Mart's latkes and raw steaks, but there is one in the middle that is somewhat, um. Odd.
A whole, fried squid.
And if you don't eat it, she will judge you. Hard.
C. At some point during the night, a considerably un-sober Annie will start telling the story of Hanukkah to anyone willing to listen and several people who are unwilling.]
So, a super long time ago, some asshole dudes-- like, Syrians or Greeks, I don't remember which-- took over Judea and were all, like, "Yeah, you guys suck, we're gonna fuck up your temple so you can't worship anymore." So, they did, and it was total bullshit. Then Judah Maccabee rode in on a fucking tank and just fucked all their shit up and won back the Temple of Jerusalem. But, all the sacred oil that they used to light the big menorah was "polluted" by the asshole dues-- I always thought they pissed in it, but my rabbi never answered me, so. Anyway, they only had one little thing of oil that was still good, so they were like, "Well, fuck, it's gonna take eight days and nights to make new oil, and we only have enough for one! God is gonna be super fucking pissed at us, guys." But, God wasn't pissed; instead, He made a fucking miracle happen for them. Instead of just one night? They had eight. Just enough to make more holy oil. And it was fucking awesome.
And that's the story of Hanukkah, motherfuckers.
D. The party is over, the guests are beginning to leave, and Annie is in the backyard, shooting at squirrels and other small creatures with the Major's pistol. There is a half-full bottle of whiskey at her feet, which isn't helping her inexpert shot. Approach with caution.
A. There is a really hideous-looking plastic menorah on a table next to the window. Like, it is a crime that something so aesthetically unpleasing has been allowed to exist. But, Annie seems rather proud of it. There is a single lit candle in front of it, which Annie is watching intensely. She's humming a little tune while she does so.
B. FOOD. Food is important. It's, like, the whole point of the holiday. There are many traditional dishes on the table, such as Mart's latkes and raw steaks, but there is one in the middle that is somewhat, um. Odd.
A whole, fried squid.
And if you don't eat it, she will judge you. Hard.
C. At some point during the night, a considerably un-sober Annie will start telling the story of Hanukkah to anyone willing to listen and several people who are unwilling.]
So, a super long time ago, some asshole dudes-- like, Syrians or Greeks, I don't remember which-- took over Judea and were all, like, "Yeah, you guys suck, we're gonna fuck up your temple so you can't worship anymore." So, they did, and it was total bullshit. Then Judah Maccabee rode in on a fucking tank and just fucked all their shit up and won back the Temple of Jerusalem. But, all the sacred oil that they used to light the big menorah was "polluted" by the asshole dues-- I always thought they pissed in it, but my rabbi never answered me, so. Anyway, they only had one little thing of oil that was still good, so they were like, "Well, fuck, it's gonna take eight days and nights to make new oil, and we only have enough for one! God is gonna be super fucking pissed at us, guys." But, God wasn't pissed; instead, He made a fucking miracle happen for them. Instead of just one night? They had eight. Just enough to make more holy oil. And it was fucking awesome.
And that's the story of Hanukkah, motherfuckers.
D. The party is over, the guests are beginning to leave, and Annie is in the backyard, shooting at squirrels and other small creatures with the Major's pistol. There is a half-full bottle of whiskey at her feet, which isn't helping her inexpert shot. Approach with caution.