This needs to get out
It’s been a while since a good, long update. I figured this was as good a time as any; besides, it’s the first time in a while I’ve actually had something to say.
It has been a really hard week for me. Thanks to all of you who have been there for me and listened when I needed to talk. This whole ordeal has drained me, and I know I would not have made it without help from my friends. Thanks all.
I’m just tired and confused at this point. I tried really hard to make it work out between Morgan and me. I pushed aside a lot of pain and anger, trying to make as smooth a transition into being friends as possible. After we agreed that we should stay friends I made a conscious effort to ignore my feelings about Morgan and about the breakup. I thought that if I could at least have her as a friend that would help me get over loosing her in the first place, and I really wanted it to work. The worst part is though, while I’ve been at my lowest and most vulnerable, all Morgan does is keep hurting me. It was unimaginably hard for me to keep putting myself on the line and opening up to her as a friend in the first place, and all I’ve gotten back is more and more pain. All I wanted was for her to meet me halfway, stop hurting me so I could like her again. But it feels like she just doesn’t give a damn about me anymore, as if she forgot what we had for a year and a half. She tells me she wants to be my friend and never loose me, but treats me terribly. I decided I can’t keep putting myself out there just to be stepped on. I’ve been absolutely torn between hating her for what she’s done over the past couple weeks and wanting to give her another chance to show me the side of her I loved in the first place. She is a whole other person from who she was two weeks ago. She went from being the love of my life, a caring, sweet, open girl who showed me nothing but care and love to being mean, cold, unfeeling, and immature. I never saw this side of her while we dated, but it makes me feel like an idiot for falling for her at all.
In a way, maybe it’s better this way. Her actions have made me a little less sad about not being with a person like her anymore; I would never want to date a person who acts like she has since the 16th. But in reality it has only hurt me more to see her change this way. The unfairness in the way she’s treated me coupled with her anger at me for my feelings have tortured me for too long. I’m just done with it. I’m tired of working for our friendship and exposing myself just to get hurt. I’m sick of taking crap from her over wanting to confront this situation now, even though I know that if we don’t we will never go back to being friends, because the distance and the awkwardness of our current situation will prevent us from reaching out to each other in the future. The bottom line is that I’m done trying for her… it hasn’t been worth it. If she wants me as a friend, if she wants to never loose me, she’s going to have to prove it to me that she does. I’m going to try and move on and get over her; I really feel like I can start the healing process now. Whether or not she stays a part of my life is up to her. I’ll gladly accept her as a friend if she shows me it can be that way, but if she continues to act the way she’s been acting, then I’m better off with her out of my life completely. I never thought I deserved someone like the Morgan I loved, but I know I deserve better than the Morgan I’ve seen since we split.
Maybe she was right all along… maybe it just needs time. It’s her move now, though.
I’m done trying.
It’s funny. With all that written I realized that I just said to you all what I’ve wanted to say to her all along, but while I was writing it never occurred to me that she might read this. All of the above I say without anger, without hatred towards her, only with the sadness about the side of her she’s shown me and the hope that she will become more like the Morgan I loved. Like I said, where we go from here is all up to her.
Make me forgive you…
Tony
P.S… Happy Birthday, Darling.
It has been a really hard week for me. Thanks to all of you who have been there for me and listened when I needed to talk. This whole ordeal has drained me, and I know I would not have made it without help from my friends. Thanks all.
I’m just tired and confused at this point. I tried really hard to make it work out between Morgan and me. I pushed aside a lot of pain and anger, trying to make as smooth a transition into being friends as possible. After we agreed that we should stay friends I made a conscious effort to ignore my feelings about Morgan and about the breakup. I thought that if I could at least have her as a friend that would help me get over loosing her in the first place, and I really wanted it to work. The worst part is though, while I’ve been at my lowest and most vulnerable, all Morgan does is keep hurting me. It was unimaginably hard for me to keep putting myself on the line and opening up to her as a friend in the first place, and all I’ve gotten back is more and more pain. All I wanted was for her to meet me halfway, stop hurting me so I could like her again. But it feels like she just doesn’t give a damn about me anymore, as if she forgot what we had for a year and a half. She tells me she wants to be my friend and never loose me, but treats me terribly. I decided I can’t keep putting myself out there just to be stepped on. I’ve been absolutely torn between hating her for what she’s done over the past couple weeks and wanting to give her another chance to show me the side of her I loved in the first place. She is a whole other person from who she was two weeks ago. She went from being the love of my life, a caring, sweet, open girl who showed me nothing but care and love to being mean, cold, unfeeling, and immature. I never saw this side of her while we dated, but it makes me feel like an idiot for falling for her at all.
In a way, maybe it’s better this way. Her actions have made me a little less sad about not being with a person like her anymore; I would never want to date a person who acts like she has since the 16th. But in reality it has only hurt me more to see her change this way. The unfairness in the way she’s treated me coupled with her anger at me for my feelings have tortured me for too long. I’m just done with it. I’m tired of working for our friendship and exposing myself just to get hurt. I’m sick of taking crap from her over wanting to confront this situation now, even though I know that if we don’t we will never go back to being friends, because the distance and the awkwardness of our current situation will prevent us from reaching out to each other in the future. The bottom line is that I’m done trying for her… it hasn’t been worth it. If she wants me as a friend, if she wants to never loose me, she’s going to have to prove it to me that she does. I’m going to try and move on and get over her; I really feel like I can start the healing process now. Whether or not she stays a part of my life is up to her. I’ll gladly accept her as a friend if she shows me it can be that way, but if she continues to act the way she’s been acting, then I’m better off with her out of my life completely. I never thought I deserved someone like the Morgan I loved, but I know I deserve better than the Morgan I’ve seen since we split.
Maybe she was right all along… maybe it just needs time. It’s her move now, though.
I’m done trying.
It’s funny. With all that written I realized that I just said to you all what I’ve wanted to say to her all along, but while I was writing it never occurred to me that she might read this. All of the above I say without anger, without hatred towards her, only with the sadness about the side of her she’s shown me and the hope that she will become more like the Morgan I loved. Like I said, where we go from here is all up to her.
Make me forgive you…
Tony
P.S… Happy Birthday, Darling.