James
Author: Phoen Albert Purnama
Copyright 2003
Any similarities are pure coincidences.
“Beep, beep!” I set the car alarm system, and walked towards the door. I could smell Ian’s cooking, and heard my rumbling stomach. That was not surprising, considering I had skipped lunch to finish up a report before a meeting at 2 p.m. It was one of those routine meetings, and Greg, or better known as lightning mouth, dominated the entire meeting with his suggestions, jokes (no one thought that they were funny; he laughed at his own jokes), and “reports,” which consisted of how wonderful his technology department had done this month. I was in charge of the accounting department, which could be rather boring at times. The only “real” peak seasons would be pre-tax and end of year board meeting. Other than those, we were pretty relaxed.
I entered the house, and a small yet speedy human-bullet rushed forward to meet me, squealing in delight. I lifted him on my shoulders, causing more giggles to erupt.
“Daddy, daddy, I miss you!”
“I miss you too, super boy. Have you been a good boy today?” I asked him, better known as James Henderson, who turned 5 years old a couple of months ago, and had started kindergarten a week after his birthday. He was very enthusiastic about it, and loved the experience. I thought that was a good sign. Amy, our babysitter, used to come in daily from 7:30 in the morning till about 7 o’clock in the evening when James was too young to attend any classes. She would watch after him while Ian and I were busy at work. She taught him how to swim, how to read, etc. Now she only had to watch after him when he returned from school-school bus could be a blessing. She lived right next door, and was a retired kindergarten teacher. Everything was as perfect as could be.
“Daddy, I miss you!”
“Yes, my super duper hero!” That caused a new round of giggles from the little boy on my shoulders.
“Eric, you’re going to spoil him.” I turned around, and Ian, my lover for the past 10 years, was leaning against the wall that separated the living room and the kitchen, looking at me and James. James had stopped laughing, and was looking down at me. His face scrunched up, and he was getting teary-eyed. I lifted him down from my shoulders, but continued to hug him in my arms. He turned away from Ian, and rested his head on my shoulder.
“James, you are not going to cry, you hear me?” Ian’s voice was rather loud and fierce, and I could hear a slight choking sound emerging from James.
“Ian!” I responded sternly, and mouthed him the words: “We WILL talk!” He ignored me, and simply returned to the kitchen. I heaved out a sigh, and rubbed James’ back to comfort him. Ian had been a loving father until recently when he started to become out of control. He would yell at James for every little thing, and James had shown signs of withdrawal from him.
“James, baby, look at daddy, please,” I pleaded softly. Two blue eyes, red after crying, looked into my black eyes, obviously afraid that I might lecture him the same as Ian. I cursed Ian in my heart, but continued to smile at my son.
“Are you mad, daddy? Please don’t be mad,” James sobbed out the last few words, and I smiled at him, shaking my head to indicate that I was not angry.
“Baby, do you love daddy?”
“Yes, daddy, I do. You don’t yell at me like dad. Dad seems to be mad at me everyday.” I cursed Ian in my heart again, and vowed that I would talk to him after James had gone to bed tonight.
“James, I love you too, baby. I love you very, very much. Your dad loves you too.”
“No, he doesn’t. I hate him. He is mean.”
I let out a sigh, and cursed Ian in my heart one more time. Ian had been a wonderful father, but something was wrong lately. He seemed to be showing all the wrong emotions, and I noticed that he had been using the wrong tones when talking to James.
“Now, James, you know that is not true. Dad works very hard everyday, and he cooks nice food. Don’t you love his steamed cod fish? I can smell it from here.” The same blue eyes stared at me defiantly, but softened a little as the rumbling in his stomach became audible. He looked down, and I used one hand to cup his chin, willing him to meet my eyes. He nodded his head, and I smiled gently.
“Daddy, do you think dad is still mad at me?”
“No, baby, you know he is not mad at you. He loves you. He just sounds like that all the time.”
“But he never yelled at me.” James pouted a little, and I used my finger to tease his lips a little, coaxing a tiny smile successfully.
“James, your dad is tired after work, and he does not mean to yell at you, sweetheart. Tell you what? How about we have a nice dinner, and a little ice cream?”
“Really, daddy? Can I, daddy?” I laughed a little, and nodded my head. “Okay, let’s eat, daddy!” He struggled to get down from my arms, and pulled me into the dining room.
The dining table had been set with plates and glasses, and there was a platter of steamed cod fish in the center. I smacked my lips, and grinned at my son, who jumped a little out of delight. I noticed Ian walking towards us, and gave him a piercing gaze as a signal that I wanted him to swallow whatever remarks he was about to yell out at James. He shook his head, and sat down quietly at the dining table.
“Daddy, can we eat now?” James looked up at me hopefully.
“Yes, super boy, we sure can. Ian?” He nodded, but said nothing otherwise. I gritted my teeth a little. My man could be so stubborn at times that I felt like banging him on the head.
We had seated ourselves around the table, with James sitting between Ian and me. I put some rice on each plate, and Ian began to cut out a little portion of the cod fish, presumably for James.
“Daddy, can you get me a little cod fish, please?” Ian stopped his movement, and I saw a fleeting pain across his eyes. He was hurt, but I could care less. He deserved it for the way he had treated James these past few weeks.
“Alright, James, what size do you want today?” James and I had this little game between us. He would call out different sizes every time, and giggled a little after that.
“Small, please, daddy.”
“Okay, let me make sure that there is no fish bone.” I checked the portion of the fish carefully, and put it on James’ plate. “Dig in, son.”
“Thank you, daddy.” He began to eat, and I smiled at him. Ian had begun to eat while I was chattering away with James. He did not even look up at me, and I sighed a little and proceeded to eat.
Dinner was over soon, and I helped Ian to clear up the dishes. Meanwhile, James was eating a small bowl of ice cream. He had bargained with me for a bigger scoop, but I promised him that he could have a second helping if he ate the small scoop. He thought about it for a while, and nodded his head, rushing off to watch cartoon shows on the television. After the dishes were dried and stored away, I left Ian in the kitchen, and walked towards the living room. As I had predicted, James was fast asleep on the sofa, but his ice cream had been polished off. I smiled a little, and lifted him off the sofa towards the bedroom. The activities at school must be tiring him out because he had slept really early almost everyday since he started attending kindergarten.
I gave James a soft peck on the forehead, and turned out the light in his bedroom. Ian was standing by the door, his expressionless face masking the emotions he was feeling. I walked towards him, and motioned for him to follow me into our bedroom.
“Come here, baby, and tell me what is going on with you.” I prodded gently.
“I...I don’t know.” His face remained inexpressive.
“Ian, we’ve been together for 10 years now. We have shared everything, and we’ve promised that there should be no secret between us.” Ian let out a deep sigh, and sat me down on the bed while he grabbed a chair and sat down on it facing me.
“I know that I’ve...changed a little...okay, that’s an understatement. I have changed a lot. I love James, you know?” He looked at me for assurance, and I nodded my head, smiling at him to encourage him to continue. “I guess I am scared.”
“What are you afraid of, Ian? James is only 5 years old, and you know that he loves you so much. Well, at least until recently when you began yelling at him for any little mistake.” Ian sighed again, longer and deeper.
“I...I have been worried about him.” His eyes turned downwards, filling with tears.
“What about him?” I urged him further.
“Having two fathers? What if the parents of the other children don’t want their children to play with him? What if he grows up to be gay? What if...?” I put my finger on his lips to shut him up, and cupped his chin up, willing him to look into my eyes.
“Ian, we’ve talked about this before, remember? Four years ago, Stacy had trusted us with this child, and we had adopted him on the condition that we love him the best we can; that’s all Stacy asked of us. She knew she could not bring this child up because she was dying from cancer, and his father had run away when Stacy was pregnant with James.” Ian smiled a little.
“Her exact words were: “The bastard scooted his ass off when he got news that I was pregnant with James.” Stacy had been a blessing to us in so many ways.”
“Yes, she had been.” I cried a little.
Stacy was my best friend since high school, and seven years ago, she dated Gregory, a man she got to know at work. The short version of the story was she got pregnant more than a year later and he quit his job, leaving no forwarding address or any contact whatsoever. She had wanted to abort the baby, but Ian and I prevented her from doing that because we decided that we wanted to adopt a child, and Stacy’s baby would be the perfect answer. James was born, and unfortunately, the doctor’s other examination led to the discovery that Stacy had lung cancer, fourth stage. We had joked about her smoking habits since high school (she did quit while she was pregnant with James), and that she might die from cancer; it was not funny when it turned into a reality.
Ian pulled me into his embrace, and I sobbed harder. Life could be ironic at times. I had prepared to deal with Ian’s increasingly undesirable way of dealing with James, wanting to give him a piece of my mind, but now I was crying on his shoulder.
After a while, I calmed down, and pulled back a little to look into two green eyes that spoke volumes of his love for me. I smiled at him, and asked if he was ready to continue with our conversation. He put both hands on the back of my head, and nodded gently.
“I am just afraid that James might grow up to be gay, and life could be hell for him. We had gone through those fears, and I don’t want him to experience them.”
“Baby, James will grow up just fine. Gay or not, we will love him unconditionally.” Ian nodded, and I continued to talk. “Children his age are very impressionable, and I hope you know, baby, that you have to mask your tones when talking to him. Besides, James is a sensitive child.”
“But other kids...?”
“Every kid is different, sweetheart. James is sensitive to the feelings of people around him, and he tends to bottle up his feelings. If you yell at him, it will push him further away from you. What if I die before you?” Ian was startled, and his eyes were tearing up again.
“No, you can’t die before me. I won’t let that happen.” He was sobbing on my chest, and I rubbed his hair tenderly.
“Ian, I don’t want to die before you because I am worried about what will happen to you, but most importantly, I am worried about your relationship with James if you keep up with your current attitude. He won’t open up to you, and the two of you will drift further and further away. Both of you are the most important people in my life, and I don’t want any gap between you to cause a drift.” I could feel Ian nodding with his head still on my chest.
“We’re only 35 years old, Eric.”
“Yes, and I am hoping that we shall live to a ripe old age together, watching James grow up to be a fine young man, and I am hoping that he will find his own path in life, with his true love by his side. If he is straight, that is wonderful, but if he is gay, then he knows where to turn to.”
“What shall I do, Eric? It hurt so badly when he asked you to cut the fish for him. I was preparing to do that for him.”
“I know, baby, but you can’t deny that you deserved that for being such a mean dad to him for the past few weeks.”
“I know, love, and now I want to show him that I love him. I want to bridge the gap between us, and I want him to be close with me like he used to.”
“It may take a little while, sugar, but I’m sure you can do it. I’ll help you along the way.”
“That is great, but there’s something that I want to do right now.”
“James is sleeping soundly. Can’t you wait till tomorrow?”
“Oh, no! This has nothing to do with James; it’s us.” I saw the glint of lust in his eyes, and I smiled widely. Our lovemaking that night was filled with passion. It was so tender yet so strong at the same time.
Ian fell asleep with his arms around my chest, embracing me tightly. I did not fall asleep for a while, thinking of the future. I knew life would be filled with pain, but there would be happiness too. With Ian and James, my life was complete.
~The End~
Copyright 2003
Any similarities are pure coincidences.
“Beep, beep!” I set the car alarm system, and walked towards the door. I could smell Ian’s cooking, and heard my rumbling stomach. That was not surprising, considering I had skipped lunch to finish up a report before a meeting at 2 p.m. It was one of those routine meetings, and Greg, or better known as lightning mouth, dominated the entire meeting with his suggestions, jokes (no one thought that they were funny; he laughed at his own jokes), and “reports,” which consisted of how wonderful his technology department had done this month. I was in charge of the accounting department, which could be rather boring at times. The only “real” peak seasons would be pre-tax and end of year board meeting. Other than those, we were pretty relaxed.
I entered the house, and a small yet speedy human-bullet rushed forward to meet me, squealing in delight. I lifted him on my shoulders, causing more giggles to erupt.
“Daddy, daddy, I miss you!”
“I miss you too, super boy. Have you been a good boy today?” I asked him, better known as James Henderson, who turned 5 years old a couple of months ago, and had started kindergarten a week after his birthday. He was very enthusiastic about it, and loved the experience. I thought that was a good sign. Amy, our babysitter, used to come in daily from 7:30 in the morning till about 7 o’clock in the evening when James was too young to attend any classes. She would watch after him while Ian and I were busy at work. She taught him how to swim, how to read, etc. Now she only had to watch after him when he returned from school-school bus could be a blessing. She lived right next door, and was a retired kindergarten teacher. Everything was as perfect as could be.
“Daddy, I miss you!”
“Yes, my super duper hero!” That caused a new round of giggles from the little boy on my shoulders.
“Eric, you’re going to spoil him.” I turned around, and Ian, my lover for the past 10 years, was leaning against the wall that separated the living room and the kitchen, looking at me and James. James had stopped laughing, and was looking down at me. His face scrunched up, and he was getting teary-eyed. I lifted him down from my shoulders, but continued to hug him in my arms. He turned away from Ian, and rested his head on my shoulder.
“James, you are not going to cry, you hear me?” Ian’s voice was rather loud and fierce, and I could hear a slight choking sound emerging from James.
“Ian!” I responded sternly, and mouthed him the words: “We WILL talk!” He ignored me, and simply returned to the kitchen. I heaved out a sigh, and rubbed James’ back to comfort him. Ian had been a loving father until recently when he started to become out of control. He would yell at James for every little thing, and James had shown signs of withdrawal from him.
“James, baby, look at daddy, please,” I pleaded softly. Two blue eyes, red after crying, looked into my black eyes, obviously afraid that I might lecture him the same as Ian. I cursed Ian in my heart, but continued to smile at my son.
“Are you mad, daddy? Please don’t be mad,” James sobbed out the last few words, and I smiled at him, shaking my head to indicate that I was not angry.
“Baby, do you love daddy?”
“Yes, daddy, I do. You don’t yell at me like dad. Dad seems to be mad at me everyday.” I cursed Ian in my heart again, and vowed that I would talk to him after James had gone to bed tonight.
“James, I love you too, baby. I love you very, very much. Your dad loves you too.”
“No, he doesn’t. I hate him. He is mean.”
I let out a sigh, and cursed Ian in my heart one more time. Ian had been a wonderful father, but something was wrong lately. He seemed to be showing all the wrong emotions, and I noticed that he had been using the wrong tones when talking to James.
“Now, James, you know that is not true. Dad works very hard everyday, and he cooks nice food. Don’t you love his steamed cod fish? I can smell it from here.” The same blue eyes stared at me defiantly, but softened a little as the rumbling in his stomach became audible. He looked down, and I used one hand to cup his chin, willing him to meet my eyes. He nodded his head, and I smiled gently.
“Daddy, do you think dad is still mad at me?”
“No, baby, you know he is not mad at you. He loves you. He just sounds like that all the time.”
“But he never yelled at me.” James pouted a little, and I used my finger to tease his lips a little, coaxing a tiny smile successfully.
“James, your dad is tired after work, and he does not mean to yell at you, sweetheart. Tell you what? How about we have a nice dinner, and a little ice cream?”
“Really, daddy? Can I, daddy?” I laughed a little, and nodded my head. “Okay, let’s eat, daddy!” He struggled to get down from my arms, and pulled me into the dining room.
The dining table had been set with plates and glasses, and there was a platter of steamed cod fish in the center. I smacked my lips, and grinned at my son, who jumped a little out of delight. I noticed Ian walking towards us, and gave him a piercing gaze as a signal that I wanted him to swallow whatever remarks he was about to yell out at James. He shook his head, and sat down quietly at the dining table.
“Daddy, can we eat now?” James looked up at me hopefully.
“Yes, super boy, we sure can. Ian?” He nodded, but said nothing otherwise. I gritted my teeth a little. My man could be so stubborn at times that I felt like banging him on the head.
We had seated ourselves around the table, with James sitting between Ian and me. I put some rice on each plate, and Ian began to cut out a little portion of the cod fish, presumably for James.
“Daddy, can you get me a little cod fish, please?” Ian stopped his movement, and I saw a fleeting pain across his eyes. He was hurt, but I could care less. He deserved it for the way he had treated James these past few weeks.
“Alright, James, what size do you want today?” James and I had this little game between us. He would call out different sizes every time, and giggled a little after that.
“Small, please, daddy.”
“Okay, let me make sure that there is no fish bone.” I checked the portion of the fish carefully, and put it on James’ plate. “Dig in, son.”
“Thank you, daddy.” He began to eat, and I smiled at him. Ian had begun to eat while I was chattering away with James. He did not even look up at me, and I sighed a little and proceeded to eat.
Dinner was over soon, and I helped Ian to clear up the dishes. Meanwhile, James was eating a small bowl of ice cream. He had bargained with me for a bigger scoop, but I promised him that he could have a second helping if he ate the small scoop. He thought about it for a while, and nodded his head, rushing off to watch cartoon shows on the television. After the dishes were dried and stored away, I left Ian in the kitchen, and walked towards the living room. As I had predicted, James was fast asleep on the sofa, but his ice cream had been polished off. I smiled a little, and lifted him off the sofa towards the bedroom. The activities at school must be tiring him out because he had slept really early almost everyday since he started attending kindergarten.
I gave James a soft peck on the forehead, and turned out the light in his bedroom. Ian was standing by the door, his expressionless face masking the emotions he was feeling. I walked towards him, and motioned for him to follow me into our bedroom.
“Come here, baby, and tell me what is going on with you.” I prodded gently.
“I...I don’t know.” His face remained inexpressive.
“Ian, we’ve been together for 10 years now. We have shared everything, and we’ve promised that there should be no secret between us.” Ian let out a deep sigh, and sat me down on the bed while he grabbed a chair and sat down on it facing me.
“I know that I’ve...changed a little...okay, that’s an understatement. I have changed a lot. I love James, you know?” He looked at me for assurance, and I nodded my head, smiling at him to encourage him to continue. “I guess I am scared.”
“What are you afraid of, Ian? James is only 5 years old, and you know that he loves you so much. Well, at least until recently when you began yelling at him for any little mistake.” Ian sighed again, longer and deeper.
“I...I have been worried about him.” His eyes turned downwards, filling with tears.
“What about him?” I urged him further.
“Having two fathers? What if the parents of the other children don’t want their children to play with him? What if he grows up to be gay? What if...?” I put my finger on his lips to shut him up, and cupped his chin up, willing him to look into my eyes.
“Ian, we’ve talked about this before, remember? Four years ago, Stacy had trusted us with this child, and we had adopted him on the condition that we love him the best we can; that’s all Stacy asked of us. She knew she could not bring this child up because she was dying from cancer, and his father had run away when Stacy was pregnant with James.” Ian smiled a little.
“Her exact words were: “The bastard scooted his ass off when he got news that I was pregnant with James.” Stacy had been a blessing to us in so many ways.”
“Yes, she had been.” I cried a little.
Stacy was my best friend since high school, and seven years ago, she dated Gregory, a man she got to know at work. The short version of the story was she got pregnant more than a year later and he quit his job, leaving no forwarding address or any contact whatsoever. She had wanted to abort the baby, but Ian and I prevented her from doing that because we decided that we wanted to adopt a child, and Stacy’s baby would be the perfect answer. James was born, and unfortunately, the doctor’s other examination led to the discovery that Stacy had lung cancer, fourth stage. We had joked about her smoking habits since high school (she did quit while she was pregnant with James), and that she might die from cancer; it was not funny when it turned into a reality.
Ian pulled me into his embrace, and I sobbed harder. Life could be ironic at times. I had prepared to deal with Ian’s increasingly undesirable way of dealing with James, wanting to give him a piece of my mind, but now I was crying on his shoulder.
After a while, I calmed down, and pulled back a little to look into two green eyes that spoke volumes of his love for me. I smiled at him, and asked if he was ready to continue with our conversation. He put both hands on the back of my head, and nodded gently.
“I am just afraid that James might grow up to be gay, and life could be hell for him. We had gone through those fears, and I don’t want him to experience them.”
“Baby, James will grow up just fine. Gay or not, we will love him unconditionally.” Ian nodded, and I continued to talk. “Children his age are very impressionable, and I hope you know, baby, that you have to mask your tones when talking to him. Besides, James is a sensitive child.”
“But other kids...?”
“Every kid is different, sweetheart. James is sensitive to the feelings of people around him, and he tends to bottle up his feelings. If you yell at him, it will push him further away from you. What if I die before you?” Ian was startled, and his eyes were tearing up again.
“No, you can’t die before me. I won’t let that happen.” He was sobbing on my chest, and I rubbed his hair tenderly.
“Ian, I don’t want to die before you because I am worried about what will happen to you, but most importantly, I am worried about your relationship with James if you keep up with your current attitude. He won’t open up to you, and the two of you will drift further and further away. Both of you are the most important people in my life, and I don’t want any gap between you to cause a drift.” I could feel Ian nodding with his head still on my chest.
“We’re only 35 years old, Eric.”
“Yes, and I am hoping that we shall live to a ripe old age together, watching James grow up to be a fine young man, and I am hoping that he will find his own path in life, with his true love by his side. If he is straight, that is wonderful, but if he is gay, then he knows where to turn to.”
“What shall I do, Eric? It hurt so badly when he asked you to cut the fish for him. I was preparing to do that for him.”
“I know, baby, but you can’t deny that you deserved that for being such a mean dad to him for the past few weeks.”
“I know, love, and now I want to show him that I love him. I want to bridge the gap between us, and I want him to be close with me like he used to.”
“It may take a little while, sugar, but I’m sure you can do it. I’ll help you along the way.”
“That is great, but there’s something that I want to do right now.”
“James is sleeping soundly. Can’t you wait till tomorrow?”
“Oh, no! This has nothing to do with James; it’s us.” I saw the glint of lust in his eyes, and I smiled widely. Our lovemaking that night was filled with passion. It was so tender yet so strong at the same time.
Ian fell asleep with his arms around my chest, embracing me tightly. I did not fall asleep for a while, thinking of the future. I knew life would be filled with pain, but there would be happiness too. With Ian and James, my life was complete.
~The End~