Down but not out. fightfightfight.
Hello me,
I write to you from the wasteland of your hometown. Times are tough. You live in your mom's crowded spare bedroom. Her hoarding problem hasnt gotten any better. Its suffocating. Do you remember how suffocating it was? I used to remember it fondly from my childhood. Like it made things seem cozy. But its not cozy. Its suffocating. As you remember, your life is shit here. You have the option of a dead end job or an unfulfilling career path in management. The degree is still not worth the paper its printed on. Maybe its expensive paper, but it sure as hell isnt this student loan debt's worth of expensive.
I found out a guy I took a graphic design class with in high school is an art director in Grand Rapids. The dude had like NO TALENT in highschool. Seriously, none. Just dicked around with Photoshop filters to make stuff for his band. But he was some township church kid and got a church scholarship to go to whatever that art school is in Grand Rapids. Now he's an art director. I hope to (his) god that he got really good and its not just another case of to the rich go the opportunities. Anyway, like I said, life is shit here. You remember. Never forget. Never come back here.
I see so many that wade in this shit hole like its paradise. Their parents buy them a car, pay for their gas, send them to Ann Arbor or Grand Rapids for school and then hire them to work at their offices when they come back and they drive around with their smiles like life is grand here. That ain't us. Theres nothing here for us.
Mom is still drowning in her piles of thrift store "antiques" and blowing her disability check on Home Shopping Network jewelry. I try to explain to her that it will never be worth more than what you paid for it. Its called retail markup. I used to have the hope of buying her a place outside of this state. I cant prevent her death but atleast I can keep her from dying HERE. Buried in all that worthless crap. Sitting in the living room in a heavy coat all winter because its too expensive to turn up the heat in that plywood box of a house. Sigh. But I can barely afford to get myself out of here.
We cant make a life here. Good for all those happy people that can I guess. They get to live where they were born and be comfortable. But we have to move on. Just like mom left Mexico. Just like my dad left Texas. Like my brother left the USA. Anyway, the impetus for this entry is that I met a girl. And then lost her. It was just supposed to be an easy thing. Hard and fast. Then go to Japan. But Japan fell through. And little by little I let myself feel more and more. I swear to god I tried. I've never had my good intentions misinterpreted so much in my life. I just wanted to care about some body as much as I could. But this is not the place for that. Start something just to leave it behind. That was greedy of me. I'm sorry for that.
Never forget. Must always remember. The only time I ever felt like I was doing anything with my life was when I was outside of this place. Its always been hard. I never should have come back. It gets harder to escape each time. Get it together. Just enough to make a move. Budget flights and too many layovers. Just carry-on. No checked baggage. Traveling alone. Purpose of your journey; employment. Just get there. Its worth it. You can do it. You've done it before.
Sigh. Anyway, how are you? What is your life like? Where are you living. For the love of Christ, if you say Saginaw, just stop reading this and walk out into oncoming traffic right now. I hope you're in..... I hope you're somewhere else. Japan, China, Korea, Germany, doing Peace Corp, waiting tables in Australia, changing bed sheets at the hostel in Detroit. Anywhere but here.
Since it will be 2016 when you read this, how is the election going? Is Trump the Republican nominee? Please say no. Did Bernie Sanders figure out he has to give a damn about the problems of black people TODAY and not just hold up that picture of him in the 60s if he wants the black vote? If you're outside of the country, dude, please, fill out an absentee ballot this time.
How is your wrist? Right now, fucker will not stop aching for some reason. Hope its better on your end. Hope you're in good health and you have a gym membership somewhere. And how is the hair, by the way? This relationship stuff has me wanting to shave it all off. Like I need a rebirth. A new beginning. I hope I dont do that though. And I hope that by the time you read this that your hairline hasnt receded to the point that its just silly to have long hair.
Man, usually I set a goal for myself and then I totally achieve it by the next time I read this thing, but honestly, I have no clue where I'm going to be in a year. Where are you? I wish you could tell me. So I could make a plan. So I could be of some help to you. I feel lost.
Anyway, whatever you're doing, do it with purpose. Right now, I think I forgot what the purpose was. I'll figure it out though. We'll figure it out. You'll have figured it out. I hope. Laterz, me.
I write to you from the wasteland of your hometown. Times are tough. You live in your mom's crowded spare bedroom. Her hoarding problem hasnt gotten any better. Its suffocating. Do you remember how suffocating it was? I used to remember it fondly from my childhood. Like it made things seem cozy. But its not cozy. Its suffocating. As you remember, your life is shit here. You have the option of a dead end job or an unfulfilling career path in management. The degree is still not worth the paper its printed on. Maybe its expensive paper, but it sure as hell isnt this student loan debt's worth of expensive.
I found out a guy I took a graphic design class with in high school is an art director in Grand Rapids. The dude had like NO TALENT in highschool. Seriously, none. Just dicked around with Photoshop filters to make stuff for his band. But he was some township church kid and got a church scholarship to go to whatever that art school is in Grand Rapids. Now he's an art director. I hope to (his) god that he got really good and its not just another case of to the rich go the opportunities. Anyway, like I said, life is shit here. You remember. Never forget. Never come back here.
I see so many that wade in this shit hole like its paradise. Their parents buy them a car, pay for their gas, send them to Ann Arbor or Grand Rapids for school and then hire them to work at their offices when they come back and they drive around with their smiles like life is grand here. That ain't us. Theres nothing here for us.
Mom is still drowning in her piles of thrift store "antiques" and blowing her disability check on Home Shopping Network jewelry. I try to explain to her that it will never be worth more than what you paid for it. Its called retail markup. I used to have the hope of buying her a place outside of this state. I cant prevent her death but atleast I can keep her from dying HERE. Buried in all that worthless crap. Sitting in the living room in a heavy coat all winter because its too expensive to turn up the heat in that plywood box of a house. Sigh. But I can barely afford to get myself out of here.
We cant make a life here. Good for all those happy people that can I guess. They get to live where they were born and be comfortable. But we have to move on. Just like mom left Mexico. Just like my dad left Texas. Like my brother left the USA. Anyway, the impetus for this entry is that I met a girl. And then lost her. It was just supposed to be an easy thing. Hard and fast. Then go to Japan. But Japan fell through. And little by little I let myself feel more and more. I swear to god I tried. I've never had my good intentions misinterpreted so much in my life. I just wanted to care about some body as much as I could. But this is not the place for that. Start something just to leave it behind. That was greedy of me. I'm sorry for that.
Never forget. Must always remember. The only time I ever felt like I was doing anything with my life was when I was outside of this place. Its always been hard. I never should have come back. It gets harder to escape each time. Get it together. Just enough to make a move. Budget flights and too many layovers. Just carry-on. No checked baggage. Traveling alone. Purpose of your journey; employment. Just get there. Its worth it. You can do it. You've done it before.
Sigh. Anyway, how are you? What is your life like? Where are you living. For the love of Christ, if you say Saginaw, just stop reading this and walk out into oncoming traffic right now. I hope you're in..... I hope you're somewhere else. Japan, China, Korea, Germany, doing Peace Corp, waiting tables in Australia, changing bed sheets at the hostel in Detroit. Anywhere but here.
Since it will be 2016 when you read this, how is the election going? Is Trump the Republican nominee? Please say no. Did Bernie Sanders figure out he has to give a damn about the problems of black people TODAY and not just hold up that picture of him in the 60s if he wants the black vote? If you're outside of the country, dude, please, fill out an absentee ballot this time.
How is your wrist? Right now, fucker will not stop aching for some reason. Hope its better on your end. Hope you're in good health and you have a gym membership somewhere. And how is the hair, by the way? This relationship stuff has me wanting to shave it all off. Like I need a rebirth. A new beginning. I hope I dont do that though. And I hope that by the time you read this that your hairline hasnt receded to the point that its just silly to have long hair.
Man, usually I set a goal for myself and then I totally achieve it by the next time I read this thing, but honestly, I have no clue where I'm going to be in a year. Where are you? I wish you could tell me. So I could make a plan. So I could be of some help to you. I feel lost.
Anyway, whatever you're doing, do it with purpose. Right now, I think I forgot what the purpose was. I'll figure it out though. We'll figure it out. You'll have figured it out. I hope. Laterz, me.