Fucking anxiety
Today makes me wanna vom, shitty for a "day off", eh?
1) Knowing that I might possibly overdraw on my account, I checked my balance on the interweb this morning and found, sure enough, that I was overdrawn. I get paid on Friday. I flipped out. Then I remembered the check for $300 from the Religious Coalition for Reproductive Choice, for the conference I'm going to next week. I ran to the bank and deposited it, along with my stash of coins, and am now $150 bucks up, with $37 in "spending" money (ie: food, cigarettes, and "entertainment" ) for at least the next few days. This is likely the result of losing my income from the church, trying to pay down some loans, and also maybe being a little reckless with the cash. So, it's big time my fault, you know, but if we hang out for the next month, can we please do it on the cheap or free?
2) I had to work on this list of "questions" for the staff retreat happening tomorrow. Shit like, "what do you see as concerns/problems on the team" and how do you contribute to them and what do you need to make this a place you're excited to work. It was harder than I thought to articulate the things I see as problematic at work. Hopefully tomorrow will be the kind of emotional purging that will result in good change instead of increased animosity.
3) Finally bucked up and called the city attorney's office to get some information about my trial. The guy was nice bu really unhelpful. I thought I had a lawyer for free from my friend A, but he clearly wasn't informed of his pro bono work, so he told me he'd give me a "deal" and charge 500 and hour. AN HOUR? fuck me. But he did give me good advice and told me to call the city attorney and see if I could get a pre-trial conference and talk about plea deals. He said they'd be dumb to go to trial if they didn't have to. the guy on the phone was all like, "well you were offered a plea bargain at the arraignment" and I was all like, "no way bro, I totally wasn't." He gave me the number for the indigent defense office and the public defenders office. I called and left messages for both of them. But let me tell you, maybe I was all bad ass and big words that night, but I am terrified of what could happen if I fuck this trial up. I don't know that I need a lawyer, but I do need to know what I'm doing. I don't ever want to go back to that fucking hellhole called jail, and I also do not have money to give to the goddamned state.
However, all of those things have been hanging over my head, and even though they are still in somewhat precarious limbo, it feels much better to have them dealt with in some respect or another.
And now I can do things that I want to. Like:
-My laundry
-clean my house
-go to iliff and look at books for a project I'm working on, pick up my refund check (60 more bucks!), and sit in a coffee shop reading books on religion
-go to my al-anon meeting that I love so much
-Maybe do some writing
-Take ed-iot on a walk
CCon has started calling me "Easy A" - mostly in reference to my academic smarts, but do you think it implies my sluttiness too? I was trying to remember all the people I'd slept with this morning and I had some trouble. Am I a slut?
heart, Easy A