Detroit Waves Chapter 10
Title:Detroit Waves (Chapter 10/?)
Rating: R overall
Pairing: Fernando Torres/Steven Gerrard, eventual Sergio Ramos/Fernando Torres and Xabi Alonso/Steven Gerrard
Summary: Fernando Torres is a journalist living in Detroit, perfectly content with his life & his boyfriend (or is he) until Sergio Ramos & Xabi Alonso, a journalist & photographer from New York City, show up, and completely shake things up.
Warning: none
Word Count: 2261
Disclaimer: I made it all up, none of this is based on anything factual.
Notes: Thanks, as always, to my beta wh_mermaid for taking the time out of her Sounders stalking & actual work to go over this. I'm sorry it took me so long to update. I had a little bit of writer's block & then not motivation. Anywho, if you think the last chapter was bitter & sad, just wait. (you've been warned) Just know, if it hurts & pisses you off, believe me I know because it really should.
Let's just say this song is emblematic of the last chapter & this one, because i was listening to it it pretty much non stop for the last few weeks & while I was working on this chapter. also it might be about someone else
Steven’s not sure why he drives to the cemetery, but all of a sudden he’s there. He’s not surprised that Fernando is there either; somehow it just makes sense. Steven knows a little bit about Fernando’s relationship with his father although he’d never met him. He’d died six months before Steven had met Fernando, but what he knows of him (from stories Fernando’s mother has told him) makes him sure that Fernando would’ve never felt comfortable having this conversation with him if he’d been alive. It’s not that Steven thinks Fernando’s father would’ve had a problem listening to his son, sure hearing about your kids’ relationship problems would be uncomfortable no matter what, but from what he Fernando had always felt like the least favorite child in his father’s eyes. Steven’s not sure why; Fernando’s mother had always gone strangely quiet when Steven asked her why Fernando felt that way, always telling him to ask Fernando himself.
Steven sighs quietly, yet another thing he lacked the courage to do, to press Fernando, to force him open up to him completely. Maybe……maybe if he had, he would’ve acted differently, maybe he would’ve known how Fernando would react, maybe…….just maybe he would’ve spoken up sooner. Maybe isn’t good enough, maybe doesn’t solve their problems, maybe doesn’t make the pain go away, maybe doesn’t make the anger or the love go away. Steven’s had enough of maybes- Fernando’s right, it’s gone too far. He waits until Fernando lights his second cigarette before speaking up.
“I have an idea- why don’t you talk to him?”
If the situation weren’t so serious, Steven would laugh at Fernando’s reaction, but the moment Fernando’s eyes meet his, his heart clenches, and he feels all the love, the anger, the hurt return ten-fold. This isn’t going to be easy, but Xabi was right, they both need to have this conversation before either of them can move on.
~
Without a word, they both get into their cars and head to Fernando’s place. Steven understands that it’s Fernando turn. The cause of the break-up happened on Steven’s turf, therefore its only right, he assumes, for this part to happen in a place Fernando feels most in control. Fernando closes the door behind him, and Steven, at a loss for words, blurts out the first thing that comes to his mind.
“So you started smoking?”
Fernando’s lips tighten.
“It’s none of your business what I do anymore Steven.”
“But you run. That’s not good.”
“You don’t think I know that Steven? I don’t need a lecture, least of all from you.”
Steven throws up his hands in surrender; this isn’t how he wanted to start things.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry ok.” He slumps down on the couch, running his hand along the cushions, he remembers many a night spend on this couch, sometimes fucking, sometimes just talking, sometimes simply sitting in companionable silence watching a movie. Steven looks up at Fernando, smiling wanly.
“We made a right mess of things didn’t we?”
Fernando doesn’t respond, but instead moves to sit on the other end of the couch.
“You made a mess of things Stevie, you fucked someone else. You assumed you knew my feelings, you assumed……”
“You fucked someone else as well Fernando, before you really knew it was over. You decided it was over. Don’t fucking think that I don’t know why you started screwing Sergio. I know……I know…..and now you’ve made a mess of that.”
Fernando opens his mouth to respond, but then closes it and sighs instead.
“You know, this is sounding a lot like our last argument. I think, I think I just…..just let me say what I need to say, and then, well then, you do what you want.
Steven nods. “Okay, yeah, that’s cool.”
“What you did Steven, all the things you did, I just, it’s like you were a completely different person. You didn’t respect me, you didn’t think to ask me, you didn’t think about talking to me about this huge life decision, your boyfriend of three years. You just went ahead and made it without me, because you were too scared, you were a fucking coward, and I’ll bet, although you might be hurting now, I’ll bet you’re relieved it’s done. Now you can go to New York City, fuck whatever guy you want, fuck a lot of guys even, and not have to worry about me; worry about me being unhappy in there, worry about my feelings. No, I think you got exactly what you wanted. You treated me like the fucking trash you throw out on the street, and now, now you can forget about what an asshole you were for a brief period in your life, and not worry about the mess you left behind.”
“That’s where you’re wrong Fernando. I’m not relieved. I’m not happy. I’ve wished so many times in the last few weeks that you were coming with me to New York. I wanted you there with me, even after all this, I still love you……..so much. I know, I know I’m an asshole, and no I’m not going to forget that, but that doesn’t make what you’re doing with Sergio right, or fair either. It’s…..”
Fernando interrupts him. “What I’m doing with Sergio isn’t really your business. You made sure of that when you fucked Xabi. It’s the only thing that makes me feel good.” Fernando gets up and walks towards the window that looks out on the Detroit River, willfully not looking at Steven.
“You know, I really love this city, I do, but in the last month there’ve been times when I’ve hated it. I drive around, for work, for……whatever and sometimes all I can see or remember are things we did together, and it pisses me off. I look at this city, and I hate a lot of it because it’s full of memories of you, memories that now…..” Fernando breathes in shakily. “Hurt. Sometimes I want to pack up and move, to get away from this city, from the people that look at me in pity, who probably think I’m being bitter, who just don’t want to hang around with me, because my anger, my pain, brings them down. You took that all away from me Steven, and now you’re the one that gets to leave, gets to walk into a new life.”
Steven should expect this, hell he deserves this, but he also knows he isn’t the only one that’s screwed up. He’s hurt Fernando horribly, but he knows that’s not the only reason Fernando is lashing out. Fernando feels guilty too, Steven can see it in his eyes, but he’s tired of yelling. Screaming at each other won’t solve anything.
“Fernando, can we please forget about all that we’ve both done wrong, all the pain we’ve caused each other, for just a moment? Can you just tell me honestly, do you really think you could’ve moved to New York with me? Don’t you think you would’ve resented me eventually? Come on Nando, I know you, you may hate the city now, but deep down you do love it. I can’t see you ever being truly happy somewhere else. And that’s why I didn’t tell you, that’s why I was hesitant. Yes, I was a coward. Yes, I should’ve told you sooner, but Nando, please understand, I never wanted to hurt you. I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to hurt you. I didn’t want to make you miserable.”
Steven smiles ruefully. “And of course, all the best intentions of mice and men……..I ended up hurting you and making you miserable.”
Fernando turns to look at him. “Yeah, funny those mice and men, they always screw things up.”
He turns back to look out and the window, and it seems to Steven ages before he speaks again.
“To answer your question Stevie, I don’t know what would’ve happened if I’d moved to New York with you. I don’t know what would’ve happen if you’d asked me when you were first considering the idea. It could’ve been I would’ve said no, it could’ve been I would’ve said yes, and then been miserable there. I really don’t know. All I know is that you should’ve talked to me about this a long time ago, and if I’m being completely honest, I don’t think……even if I hadn’t slept with Sergio, I could’ve gone back to you. Knowing you never had the courage or the decency to talk to me about it. Knowing that you’d already decided what my answer would’ve been.”
“Fernando I……”
“No, I don’t need an answer from you; I’ve said what I wanted to say. You can leave now.”
Steven starts to get up, but then sits back down. Again, it comes back to the fact that they’ve both fucked up, and he just can’t go to New York without coming to some sort of peace with Fernando. He can’t let Fernando just dismiss him like this.
“I’m not leaving yet Fernando. We can’t leave it like this. I know you still love me, I know you do. And I know you feel guilty as well, maybe not about hurting me, but I overheard you in the cemetery, I know you feel guilty about what you’re doing to Sergio. Why? Are you really doing it just to make the pain go away, to feel good? Or do you actually like him? Was he the nearest warm and willing body?
Fernando grimaces. “And what about Xabi? Xabi told me…..well he thought you could actually like him. He seems to really like you. Why Xabi? I mean I know why you fucked him, to make sure there was no going back, but I’m sure there were others who would’ve been willing.”
“I think I could, but not right now. I’m not ready. I like him but I still love you, and that’s not going to change overnight.”
Fernando looks at him, really looks at him, and without saying a word, as if by mutual consent, Steven goes to him. Their bodies meet, it’s sad and bittersweet, but it’s also needed. They know all the moves, they know how this is supposed to go. Their bodies fit like the always have, but this time it’s different, this time they know it’s the last time. This time when Stevie falls asleep next to Fernando, it’s the last time, because when he gets up and goes, they both know he’s not coming back. When Steven says “I love you” to a sleeping Fernando as he leaves, he knows it’s the last time.
The days and weeks after Steven leaves are tough, but Fernando powers through it. He throws himself into his work, collecting interviews, speaking with school administrators, and talking with teen psychologists, but he still hasn’t decided what to do about Sergio. Since Steven left Fernando has only slept with Sergio a few times, when it’s all gotten to be too much. He’s finally told Sergio what he’s been working on, it was hard to hide, and besides he’d needed someone to bounce ideas off of. It’s been nice, just hanging out with him, talking to him, actually getting to know him, finding out about his past. He envies Sergio- for not being bullied, for going to a plush private hippy school where no one cared when he came out, for being able to take a guy to prom. A part of him wonders how Sergio can possibly even relate to the story he’s trying to tell, but then he talks to him, and he knows that Sergio understands-he may not have been bullied, but Sergio still feels the discrimination of being gay in a society that isn’t always so accepting.
He still has nightmares, sometimes Steven makes an appearance, sometimes he makes an appearance. He wakes up sweaty and shaking and Sergio is there, he’s always there, watching. Fernando doesn’t know why he only has these nightmares when Sergio’s around, but he does. Sergio still tries to talk to him about the nightmares, but Fernando isn’t ready for that. He doesn’t want to let someone in, who might just spit him out and throw him out once he’s done, once he goes back to New York. Sometimes Sergio will look at him, and Fernando knows that what he’s doing isn’t fair. He needs to be straight with Sergio, he needs to tell him not to expect more than this from him. If that means that means no more sex, well then, so be it.
One night the nightmare is particularly bad. He wakes up to Sergio’s worried expression.
“Fernando…….I know you don’t want to talk about it, but I think that you should. I mean I’m here, I’ll listen, I can try to help. I want to help.”
Fernando can see it in his eyes; Sergio really does want to help him. He wants to be the one Fernando goes to for comfort, when he just needs to let it out, but Fernando just not ready for that….He’s not sure he’ll ever be ready for that. Before he can help himself, before he can think of a better way to say it, the words come out.
“I can’t do this anymore.”
Sergio face turns into a frown. “What do you mean you can’t do this anymore?”
Fernando sighs. “I don’t know, all I know is that I can’t give you what you want. I should go.”
And without another word, without looking at Sergio, Fernando gets up and leaves.
Rating: R overall
Pairing: Fernando Torres/Steven Gerrard, eventual Sergio Ramos/Fernando Torres and Xabi Alonso/Steven Gerrard
Summary: Fernando Torres is a journalist living in Detroit, perfectly content with his life & his boyfriend (or is he) until Sergio Ramos & Xabi Alonso, a journalist & photographer from New York City, show up, and completely shake things up.
Warning: none
Word Count: 2261
Disclaimer: I made it all up, none of this is based on anything factual.
Notes: Thanks, as always, to my beta wh_mermaid for taking the time out of her Sounders stalking & actual work to go over this. I'm sorry it took me so long to update. I had a little bit of writer's block & then not motivation. Anywho, if you think the last chapter was bitter & sad, just wait. (you've been warned) Just know, if it hurts & pisses you off, believe me I know because it really should.
Click to viewLet's just say this song is emblematic of the last chapter & this one, because i was listening to it it pretty much non stop for the last few weeks & while I was working on this chapter. also it might be about someone else
Steven’s not sure why he drives to the cemetery, but all of a sudden he’s there. He’s not surprised that Fernando is there either; somehow it just makes sense. Steven knows a little bit about Fernando’s relationship with his father although he’d never met him. He’d died six months before Steven had met Fernando, but what he knows of him (from stories Fernando’s mother has told him) makes him sure that Fernando would’ve never felt comfortable having this conversation with him if he’d been alive. It’s not that Steven thinks Fernando’s father would’ve had a problem listening to his son, sure hearing about your kids’ relationship problems would be uncomfortable no matter what, but from what he Fernando had always felt like the least favorite child in his father’s eyes. Steven’s not sure why; Fernando’s mother had always gone strangely quiet when Steven asked her why Fernando felt that way, always telling him to ask Fernando himself.
Steven sighs quietly, yet another thing he lacked the courage to do, to press Fernando, to force him open up to him completely. Maybe……maybe if he had, he would’ve acted differently, maybe he would’ve known how Fernando would react, maybe…….just maybe he would’ve spoken up sooner. Maybe isn’t good enough, maybe doesn’t solve their problems, maybe doesn’t make the pain go away, maybe doesn’t make the anger or the love go away. Steven’s had enough of maybes- Fernando’s right, it’s gone too far. He waits until Fernando lights his second cigarette before speaking up.
“I have an idea- why don’t you talk to him?”
If the situation weren’t so serious, Steven would laugh at Fernando’s reaction, but the moment Fernando’s eyes meet his, his heart clenches, and he feels all the love, the anger, the hurt return ten-fold. This isn’t going to be easy, but Xabi was right, they both need to have this conversation before either of them can move on.
~
Without a word, they both get into their cars and head to Fernando’s place. Steven understands that it’s Fernando turn. The cause of the break-up happened on Steven’s turf, therefore its only right, he assumes, for this part to happen in a place Fernando feels most in control. Fernando closes the door behind him, and Steven, at a loss for words, blurts out the first thing that comes to his mind.
“So you started smoking?”
Fernando’s lips tighten.
“It’s none of your business what I do anymore Steven.”
“But you run. That’s not good.”
“You don’t think I know that Steven? I don’t need a lecture, least of all from you.”
Steven throws up his hands in surrender; this isn’t how he wanted to start things.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry ok.” He slumps down on the couch, running his hand along the cushions, he remembers many a night spend on this couch, sometimes fucking, sometimes just talking, sometimes simply sitting in companionable silence watching a movie. Steven looks up at Fernando, smiling wanly.
“We made a right mess of things didn’t we?”
Fernando doesn’t respond, but instead moves to sit on the other end of the couch.
“You made a mess of things Stevie, you fucked someone else. You assumed you knew my feelings, you assumed……”
“You fucked someone else as well Fernando, before you really knew it was over. You decided it was over. Don’t fucking think that I don’t know why you started screwing Sergio. I know……I know…..and now you’ve made a mess of that.”
Fernando opens his mouth to respond, but then closes it and sighs instead.
“You know, this is sounding a lot like our last argument. I think, I think I just…..just let me say what I need to say, and then, well then, you do what you want.
Steven nods. “Okay, yeah, that’s cool.”
“What you did Steven, all the things you did, I just, it’s like you were a completely different person. You didn’t respect me, you didn’t think to ask me, you didn’t think about talking to me about this huge life decision, your boyfriend of three years. You just went ahead and made it without me, because you were too scared, you were a fucking coward, and I’ll bet, although you might be hurting now, I’ll bet you’re relieved it’s done. Now you can go to New York City, fuck whatever guy you want, fuck a lot of guys even, and not have to worry about me; worry about me being unhappy in there, worry about my feelings. No, I think you got exactly what you wanted. You treated me like the fucking trash you throw out on the street, and now, now you can forget about what an asshole you were for a brief period in your life, and not worry about the mess you left behind.”
“That’s where you’re wrong Fernando. I’m not relieved. I’m not happy. I’ve wished so many times in the last few weeks that you were coming with me to New York. I wanted you there with me, even after all this, I still love you……..so much. I know, I know I’m an asshole, and no I’m not going to forget that, but that doesn’t make what you’re doing with Sergio right, or fair either. It’s…..”
Fernando interrupts him. “What I’m doing with Sergio isn’t really your business. You made sure of that when you fucked Xabi. It’s the only thing that makes me feel good.” Fernando gets up and walks towards the window that looks out on the Detroit River, willfully not looking at Steven.
“You know, I really love this city, I do, but in the last month there’ve been times when I’ve hated it. I drive around, for work, for……whatever and sometimes all I can see or remember are things we did together, and it pisses me off. I look at this city, and I hate a lot of it because it’s full of memories of you, memories that now…..” Fernando breathes in shakily. “Hurt. Sometimes I want to pack up and move, to get away from this city, from the people that look at me in pity, who probably think I’m being bitter, who just don’t want to hang around with me, because my anger, my pain, brings them down. You took that all away from me Steven, and now you’re the one that gets to leave, gets to walk into a new life.”
Steven should expect this, hell he deserves this, but he also knows he isn’t the only one that’s screwed up. He’s hurt Fernando horribly, but he knows that’s not the only reason Fernando is lashing out. Fernando feels guilty too, Steven can see it in his eyes, but he’s tired of yelling. Screaming at each other won’t solve anything.
“Fernando, can we please forget about all that we’ve both done wrong, all the pain we’ve caused each other, for just a moment? Can you just tell me honestly, do you really think you could’ve moved to New York with me? Don’t you think you would’ve resented me eventually? Come on Nando, I know you, you may hate the city now, but deep down you do love it. I can’t see you ever being truly happy somewhere else. And that’s why I didn’t tell you, that’s why I was hesitant. Yes, I was a coward. Yes, I should’ve told you sooner, but Nando, please understand, I never wanted to hurt you. I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to hurt you. I didn’t want to make you miserable.”
Steven smiles ruefully. “And of course, all the best intentions of mice and men……..I ended up hurting you and making you miserable.”
Fernando turns to look at him. “Yeah, funny those mice and men, they always screw things up.”
He turns back to look out and the window, and it seems to Steven ages before he speaks again.
“To answer your question Stevie, I don’t know what would’ve happened if I’d moved to New York with you. I don’t know what would’ve happen if you’d asked me when you were first considering the idea. It could’ve been I would’ve said no, it could’ve been I would’ve said yes, and then been miserable there. I really don’t know. All I know is that you should’ve talked to me about this a long time ago, and if I’m being completely honest, I don’t think……even if I hadn’t slept with Sergio, I could’ve gone back to you. Knowing you never had the courage or the decency to talk to me about it. Knowing that you’d already decided what my answer would’ve been.”
“Fernando I……”
“No, I don’t need an answer from you; I’ve said what I wanted to say. You can leave now.”
Steven starts to get up, but then sits back down. Again, it comes back to the fact that they’ve both fucked up, and he just can’t go to New York without coming to some sort of peace with Fernando. He can’t let Fernando just dismiss him like this.
“I’m not leaving yet Fernando. We can’t leave it like this. I know you still love me, I know you do. And I know you feel guilty as well, maybe not about hurting me, but I overheard you in the cemetery, I know you feel guilty about what you’re doing to Sergio. Why? Are you really doing it just to make the pain go away, to feel good? Or do you actually like him? Was he the nearest warm and willing body?
Fernando grimaces. “And what about Xabi? Xabi told me…..well he thought you could actually like him. He seems to really like you. Why Xabi? I mean I know why you fucked him, to make sure there was no going back, but I’m sure there were others who would’ve been willing.”
“I think I could, but not right now. I’m not ready. I like him but I still love you, and that’s not going to change overnight.”
Fernando looks at him, really looks at him, and without saying a word, as if by mutual consent, Steven goes to him. Their bodies meet, it’s sad and bittersweet, but it’s also needed. They know all the moves, they know how this is supposed to go. Their bodies fit like the always have, but this time it’s different, this time they know it’s the last time. This time when Stevie falls asleep next to Fernando, it’s the last time, because when he gets up and goes, they both know he’s not coming back. When Steven says “I love you” to a sleeping Fernando as he leaves, he knows it’s the last time.
The days and weeks after Steven leaves are tough, but Fernando powers through it. He throws himself into his work, collecting interviews, speaking with school administrators, and talking with teen psychologists, but he still hasn’t decided what to do about Sergio. Since Steven left Fernando has only slept with Sergio a few times, when it’s all gotten to be too much. He’s finally told Sergio what he’s been working on, it was hard to hide, and besides he’d needed someone to bounce ideas off of. It’s been nice, just hanging out with him, talking to him, actually getting to know him, finding out about his past. He envies Sergio- for not being bullied, for going to a plush private hippy school where no one cared when he came out, for being able to take a guy to prom. A part of him wonders how Sergio can possibly even relate to the story he’s trying to tell, but then he talks to him, and he knows that Sergio understands-he may not have been bullied, but Sergio still feels the discrimination of being gay in a society that isn’t always so accepting.
He still has nightmares, sometimes Steven makes an appearance, sometimes he makes an appearance. He wakes up sweaty and shaking and Sergio is there, he’s always there, watching. Fernando doesn’t know why he only has these nightmares when Sergio’s around, but he does. Sergio still tries to talk to him about the nightmares, but Fernando isn’t ready for that. He doesn’t want to let someone in, who might just spit him out and throw him out once he’s done, once he goes back to New York. Sometimes Sergio will look at him, and Fernando knows that what he’s doing isn’t fair. He needs to be straight with Sergio, he needs to tell him not to expect more than this from him. If that means that means no more sex, well then, so be it.
One night the nightmare is particularly bad. He wakes up to Sergio’s worried expression.
“Fernando…….I know you don’t want to talk about it, but I think that you should. I mean I’m here, I’ll listen, I can try to help. I want to help.”
Fernando can see it in his eyes; Sergio really does want to help him. He wants to be the one Fernando goes to for comfort, when he just needs to let it out, but Fernando just not ready for that….He’s not sure he’ll ever be ready for that. Before he can help himself, before he can think of a better way to say it, the words come out.
“I can’t do this anymore.”
Sergio face turns into a frown. “What do you mean you can’t do this anymore?”
Fernando sighs. “I don’t know, all I know is that I can’t give you what you want. I should go.”
And without another word, without looking at Sergio, Fernando gets up and leaves.