Detroit Waves (chapter 7)

Oct 09, 2011 11:01

Title:Detroit Waves (Chapter 7/14)
Rating: R overall
Pairing: Fernando Torres/Steven Gerrard, eventual Sergio Ramos/Fernando Torres and Xabi Alonso/Steven Gerrard
Summary: Fernando Torres is a journalist living in Detroit, perfectly content with his life & his boyfriend (or is he) until Sergio Ramos & Xabi Alonso, a journalist & photographer from New York City, show up, and completely shake things up.
Warning: none
Word Count: 2788
Disclaimer: I made it all up, none of this is based on anything factual.

A/N: Not many in this. Thanks, as always, to my wonderful beta wh_mermaid Also.....ha ha ha Yankees. although that sounds less sweet, after the Tigers lost their first game against Texas



Maybe our time is up, but still you can’t abandon, all the principles of love
Don’t say those words, oh, don’t say those words ~Love is the End~Keane

Xabi wakes up slightly disoriented and groggy-the bed feels different and strangely comfortable. It takes him a moment to remember where he is, how he got there, and what happened. He looks up to find Steven watching him; his eyes are red and he looks exhausted. Without asking Xabi knows that Fernando knows. The cowardly part of him wants to just duck under the sheets and hide for the rest of this year, but other more reasonable part of him knows he should go. He gets up and gets dressed while Steven watches him silently.
He wants to say something, anything, but he can’t think of the right words. He’s never been in this position before, usually he’s the one kicking the guy out in the morning, but even that doesn’t feel familiar. Steven isn’t kicking him out, not really. All of this, this entire situation he finds himself in is strange, new, and painful. He’s never felt so emotionally vulnerable, so attached to someone. Sex is sex, it feels good, but he’s never needed nor understood the need for people to attach emotion-feelings to it until now. As much as he wants to stay, to discover this feeling with Steven, he knows that’s the last thing Steven wants to do. He makes to leave but Steven stops him.

“Listen, I know we need to talk, sometime, but not now.” He looks so confused, so broken. Xabi steps toward him, for what he’s not sure, but Steven steps away.

“I need to try to fix this, there’s probably not a chance in hell I can, but I need to try. I don’t know….I don’t know what last night was, I just don’t know.”

Xabi nods, and heads out into the cold.

As he drives home, the memories of last night run through his head. The way Steven’s lips felt against his, the way his body moved against his. He remembers watching from above as Steven came. He remembers the look on his face. He remembers thinking, briefly, about how he would, could, never tire of seeing that expression. He remembers the feeling as he came, the usual rush of pleasure, of absolute bliss, and then something new as he looked down at Steven’s vulnerable face, a connection. He’s still not sure how it happened, but he knows why. Everything is a mess, and yet it’s not enough to quell the warm feeling forming in the pit of his stomach. He opens the door to find Sergio and Fernando silently eating breakfast. Hoping he can slip by unnoticed he walks quickly and quietly to the stairs, but just as his foot hits the first step, he feels a hand grabbing his shoulder and turning him around. He doesn’t even get a chance to register just who it is, but there’s no question as to who’s fist is making contact with his nose. The blow knocks him back against the wall. He looks up, holding his bleeding nose, to find a very angry Fernando Torres looking at him.

“You bastard!”

Xabi knows there is nothing he can say-no explanation he can give that Fernando will listen to-there really isn’t a good reason, so he just nods silently. They stare at each other for a few moments, and Xabi understands, it’s not him Fernando is really mad at, but he can’t hit Steven, and so Xabi, as a willing participant is a convenient target. Sergio comes up behind Fernando, and gently squeezes his shoulder. Fernando turns, and Xabi can see a look of….something…pass between him, before Fernando walks quickly out the door.

~
Sergio doesn’t say anything as he carefully wipes away the blood and offers Xabi and icepack. Xabi takes both it and the cup of coffee that Sergio offers him. Sergio sighs.

“God, Xabi I’m so fucked.”

Xabi looks up in surprise. “You’re fucked?”

“Yeah………I’m.” Sergio looks at him, embarrassed. “Fernando and I had sex last night.”

“And?”

“I think, I think……I’m falling hard for him.”

Xabi shakes his head in amazement, at the irony of it all. “We’re both fucked Sergio. I think, for the first time in my life, that I could be…….”

“Falling in love.” Sergio finishes for him.

“Yes. You know me Sergio…..I wouldn’t have done that- I wouldn’t have slept with him, just to sleep with him, knowing he was attached.”

Xabi looks up at Sergio. “I’m not sure what to do. I mean I know I should want them to fix this, but I don’t. I can see it, he’s suffocating here. When we talked last night…..before we had sex, he opened up, that’s got to count for something right? It’s selfish, and I know that I might not have a chance, even if they don’t work this out, but I want him, in more than just a physical sense. And Sergio, it scares the fuck out of me.”

Sergio smiles ruefully at him. “Yeah, that can happen. For what it’s worth, I don’t think they will. It’s gone too far, they both have, and we helped. Maybe…..if Fernando hadn’t slept with me, there might have been a chance. I think…….Fernando loves Steven, I think he could’ve taken him back.” Sergio shakes his head. “I don’t know Xabi; I don’t know why he slept with me. I don’t like being caught in this game, this drama, where they use us as weapons against each other.”

“Because he likes you. He could’ve gone anywhere last night. He could’ve gone to one of his friends here. He could’ve gone out and got shit faced. Instead, he came to you. There’s a reason. Maybe he doesn’t want, or can’t, admit to it now, but eventually I think he will. Don’t sell yourself short Sergio. You might be kind of an ass sometimes, but you’re a good guy. I think something in Fernando needs you now, and maybe in the future. Just remember he sought you out.”

Sergio reaches out and claps Xabi on the shoulder. “Thanks Xabi. And I would say the same about you. I wouldn’t give up. Pursue him; make him see that this wasn’t just a onetime thing for you, that you’re serious. There’s obviously a reason he confided in you, right?”

“Yeah I guess.” Xabi hopes, rather than believes, that Sergio is right. He finishes his coffee and heads up the stairs to clean up. In the shower his hand brushes against a mark Steven left on his chest, he presses his thumb against it, and lets both the physical and emotional pleasure rush through his body one more time.

As soon as Xabi shuts the door behind him, Stevie groans. He’s fucked up so badly. There is no way in hell Fernando will forgive him for this. Fernando…..his dorky, lovable, fragile, cocky Fernando. He’s done this to him, to them. Fernando deserves better than him…….he deserves better from him. Fernando deserves someone who will be honest with him, someone who isn’t afraid to be blunt, someone who won’t shelter him, someone who understands him completely-that person isn’t him. As much as he loves Fernando, as much as he would and could spend the rest of his life with him, he knows he’s not the person Fernando needs. He looks, again, at the photo on the fridge. It was taken shortly after he and Fernando had gotten together-everything was fresh and new, and they were stupidly in love. He wonders, as he looks at Fernando smiling goofily at the camera (like he’d just won the lottery), where had they gone wrong? He’s not really sure, but he knows it’s not all his fault. He needs to talk to Fernando, because he’s the only one that has the answers. There may be no going back from this, but Stevie can’t walk away from Fernando, without at least knowing what went wrong, and he suspects Fernando can’t either.
~

On the way over to Fernando’s place, Stevie gets a text from Sergio.

Steven
This is Xabi. I’m sorry to bother you but I left
my phone over at your place. I really do need it.
Is there a time I can pick it up? Or, if that doesn’t work, could
you drop it off sometime? I need it asap. Thanks

For the second time that day, Steven groans. He has no idea what to do about Xabi. He’d meant what he’d said, they did need to talk. The problem is, though, Stevie doesn’t know what to say because he’s not sure what he feels. He knows he likes Xabi, he knows he respects him, he knows he’s handsome as hell, but beyond that he is unsure. Did he sleep with him just to get back at Fernando, or was there something more? He parks in front of Fernando’s building and looks up-the light is on. He sighs, Xabi will have to wait; right now Fernando is the only thing that matters.

~
The two flights of stairs up to Fernando’s apartment have never felt longer to Steven. When he finally reaches Fernando’s front door, he pauses, hesitant. He doesn’t quite know what to say, what he should say. He knows all the right words “I’m sorry, I apologize, I love you, take me back, it was a mistake, I fucked up.” He’s just not sure that they’ll come out right. Steven takes a deep breath and knocks on the door, and waits anxiously for what seems like an eternity for Fernando to open the door. He eyes Steven warily. Steven can’t speak, all the right words have left him, left him standing at Fernando’s front door, his heart and his dignity on the floor. Steven feels like time is slipping out of his hand, like every moment they stand here not speaking is one less moment left for him to do the right thing. Finally, he breaks the spell.

“I know…..I know there’s not anything I can say or do that will make what I did right, but…”

Fernando interjects angrily. “No there’s not, so the question is, why are you here?”

“Because I love you, because I need you.”

“I slept with Sergio.” Fernando blurts out

Steven opens his mouth, but finds he’s too shocked to say anything. What is this cruel game they are playing with each other? This game he started, admittedly, but still, he never thought it come to this. He hurts Fernando, and Fernando, in spiteful revenge, turns around and fucks Xabi’s friend just to hurt him. He has no more fight in him though, he just wants to move on, and he wants to end this on good terms, because it’s clear there is no going back now. Steven doesn’t want their three years of happiness to end like this. He opens his mouth to say just that, but Fernando slams the door in his face, leaving Steven with so many words, so many necessary words, left unsaid.

Fernando leans against the door, waiting for Steven to leave. He doesn’t want to deal with this now-Steven’s hurt expression when he told him about Sergio hadn’t felt as satisfactory as he had hoped. He just feels more broken, more hurt. He can feel the dam about to break; all the grief ready to pour out of him-he’s not ready for that.

Fernando remembers how he felt riding Sergio, the rush of emotion, the look of wonder in Sergio’s eyes. He remembers the feel of Sergio’s hand running up and down his chest, soothing him. He remembers how at home he felt there, in Sergio’s arms-all thoughts of Steven put aside. He wants to feel that way again, he wants to not think about Stevie, and so he calls Sergio. Sergio arrives, his expression guarded, his eyes concerned. They stare at each other, neither quite certain what to do or say. Sergio speaks first.

“Listen Fernando, we should probably talk I guess. I mean I think I know what last night meant, but I still think……”

Fernando isn’t really interested in talking though. He hadn’t invited Sergio over to talk. The last thing he wants to do is talk. So before Sergio can get another word out, he kisses him, backing him into the kitchen counter. He fucks him slowly, reveling in the way Sergio feels, the way he tenses up and tightens around him, the way he moans, the way he responds to his touch. He could get used to this, except well, he’s not sure what this is. He comes silently, biting down on Sergio’s shoulder. When he comes back down he, without really thinking, slaps Sergio’s hand away, replacing it with his own. A few deft hand movements later and Sergio is coming, mumbling words Fernando pretends he doesn’t hear.

~
They’ve cleaned up, and Sergio is tucking himself in when Fernando speaks.

“Look Sergio, I know, I know we should talk about this, but right now I can’t. It hurts, and I can’t deal.” He gestures to Sergio. “This……you, feels good right now, and I need to feel good. Right now that’s all I can give.” Fernando knows Sergio deserves more, he deserves better than him, better than what he can give him right now. He looks at the ground, unwilling to meet Sergio’s eyes. “I’m sorry.”

Sergio starts to say something, but stops, nodding instead. “I can do that, if that’s what you need, I can do that.”

Fernando nods in response. “Yes, yes it’s what I need.”

After Sergio leaves, Fernando takes a shower, trying to wash away last night, but Sergio is everywhere, his smell seeping into his skin. He reaches for the body wash, and that’s when he sees it-Steven’s ring. Fernando had given it to him a year ago as a birthday present. Steven hardly ever took it off, but he’d jammed his hand in a door that day and his finger had swollen up. Fernando picks it up to look at it, to run his hands over the band, and then it hits him with the force of a tidal wave-it’s over. He finds himself on the shower floor, sobbing as water beats down on him, and he’s not sure if he’ll be able to stop. His body aches, aches for Steven, for what they’ve lost, what they’ll never have.

Fernando manages to pull himself together enough to call his best friend. He’s not sure exactly what he says to Olalla, but he must sound like a mess, because Olalla is at his place in less than hour with David in tow. Fernando is sitting, forlornly, on the couch with a towel wrapped around him when they show up. Olalla manages to get him into a tee-shirt and a pair of sweat pants while David fixes dinner. After dinner, Fernando tells them everything; about his fight with Steven, about Steven cheating on him, about Sergio. Olalla wraps her arms around him, and he melts into her comforting embrace.

“I knew that Sergio guy had a thing for you.”

Both he and Olalla look up. “What?”

“Look I know everything’s a mess now, but I think this Sergio guy could be good for you. Don’t underestimate him; don’t treat him like a break-up band-aid. You fucked him because you were hurting, but what if……..when you’re ready of course, you gave him a chance?”

For a moment Fernando allows himself to remember how safe he’d felt in Sergio’s arms, how natural it felt to sit in companionable silence over breakfast, how his body responded to the warmth of Sergio’s. But it’s too soon, way too soon to think about what all that means.

David and Olalla watch over him that weekend, making sure he showers and eats, and that when it gets to be too much he has someone there to hold him. On Monday, David goes into work with him; it feels good to focus on something else, to throw himself into his work, his passion. That is until he sees the latest news on the wire. There’s been another suicide, another teen bullied for their sexuality. Fernando stares at the news wire for a while, thinking as unwanted memories come rushing back. He knows what he needs to do, screw politics for once; it’s time to write from the heart, from personal experience. Someone somewhere needs to do something about this, to speak out, to let these kids know that there is life after high school. He’s carried this secret for too long. There are kids out there, beautiful, wonderful kids, killing themselves; it’s time to come clean. Writing about this is going to be painful, but if he can help just one kid, if he can make one parent understand, then it’ll be worth it.

david villa, fernando torres, steven gerrard, sergio ramos, detroit waves, xabi alonso, fic

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