Detroit Waves (Chapter 5)
Title:Detroit Waves* (Chapter 5/14)*
Rating: R overall
Pairing: Fernando Torres/Steven Gerrard, eventual Sergio Ramos/Fernando Torres and Xabi Alonso/Steven Gerrard
Summary: Fernando Torres is a journalist living in Detroit, perfectly content with his life & his boyfriend (or is he) until Sergio Ramos & Xabi Alonso, a journalist & photographer from New York City, show up, and completely shake things up.
Warning: angst & a reference to self harm
Word Count: 3520
Disclaimer: I made it all up, none of this is based on anything factual.
Thanks, as always, to my beta wh_mermaid for being awesome
gone and said too much I can't undo. I'm not kinda man to try to hurt you, there's too much now that we can't undo, you'll never come back like you always do
Fernando’s just about to leave work when Steven calls.
“We need to talk.”
Finally, Fernando thinks.
“Can you meet me at my place after work?”
“Sure.” Fernando grabs his messenger bag and heads out into the cold. He’s not sure what to expect from Stevie. He’s not sure what has caused this wedge to form between them, well actually that’s a lie- he knows what has caused it: the argument. It’s the thing Steven won’t talk about and Fernando can’t let go of. The fact that Steven won’t tell him no matter how much he asks, begs, troubles him. Usually Steven shares everything with him. If there’s something bothering him, he tells Fernando, no matter how upset he knows Fernando will get. Whatever it is that Steven won’t talk about, whatever that argument with Sergio was about, must have been pretty big, pretty upsetting, and possibly life-changing. A part of Fernando doesn’t want to know, because he fears what it might mean for him and Stevie. Realistically though he knows that they can’t go on like they have been, whatever it is has to be said, has to be brought to light, so they can deal with it together, like they have with everything else for the last three years.
Fernando lets himself into Steven’s place and finds Steven sitting in front of the fireplace, a tumbler of whisky in his hand. He turns around when he sees Fernando, smiles, and gestures for him to sit next to him.
Fernando walks over and sits down, and waits for Steven to speak first. Steven stares into the fire for a few more moments before taking a long sip of his whiskey. He turns and takes Fernando’s hand in his, he looks like he’s considering his next words very carefully.
“What would you say if I were to ask you to marry me?”
Fernando is too shocked to speak at first. This isn’t what he was expecting at all. For a few short moments, he’s indescribably happy, and on the verge of saying yes, but something stops him. The facts don’t add up. He knows Steven is waiting for his answer, but he only has questions. It doesn’t make sense. Why would Steven and Sergio be arguing about this? He doesn’t think Sergio would tell Steven not to propose to him. Sergio, at that point, had only known them three months, it’s not like he had any business telling Steven it was a bad idea. He’s a little hot headed, but he’d like to think that Sergio would encourage Steven to propose, not the opposite. This leads Fernando to believe that once again Steven is hiding something from him, is hiding behind a proposal to soften the blow of whatever this is really about, and that angers him.
He removes his hand from Steven’s. “What is this about Stevie? I mean what is this really about? I know you weren’t arguing so heatedly with Sergio about what type of ring to buy me. What is so bad that you can’t tell me?” He can hear the hurt creep into his voice. “You’ve always shared everything with me. Why can’t you trust me?”
Steven sighs. “I suppose there’s no use in hiding it anymore………I’ve been offered a job in New York.”
As a journalist, words don’t often fail him, but for about a minute Fernando is speechless. He’d had no idea that Steven had even been exploring other job opportunities, outside of Detroit. All this time, who knows how many months, he’d been hiding this from him. His boyfriend, who usually tells him everything, has kept this from him, and this is a big fucking deal.
“What?! Why?”
Steven gets up and begins pacing. “Because I know what you’d say Fernando, you’d say no. You don’t want to leave Detroit. You’ve made that quite clear.”
“Yes, I’d probably say no, but that doesn’t mean I don’t get a say.”
Steven continues to pace. “Truth is…….I’ve been looking for awhile now. I’ve wanted to get out of this city for so long. I wish you could see that. I’m suffocating here, but every time I’ve brought up the subject of moving, of taking one of those many amazing job offers you’ve been given, you shut me down, tell me to forget about it. You never gave me the chance to tell you.”
Fernando can’t believe what he is hearing. He’s not sure how it’s possible to go from being as positively happy as he was a few minutes ago to being as utterly furious.
“What?? How is this my fault? How am I supposed to know you are suffocating if you never tell me? There are two people in this relationship. If you’d told me, maybe we could’ve talked about it.” He runs his hand through his hair in frustration. “Why the fuck did you even propose Steven?”
“Because I thought you might just love me enough, maybe more than you love this city, to move with me. I thought if I proposed you’d go with me. Start a new life together…….somewhere not here. I guess Xabi was right, I guess I’m being selfish.”
Fernando can’t speak for the utter disbelief and fury clogging up his vocal chords. When he does find his voice, he spits out his words.
“You told Xabi? I should’ve been the first person you told. That’s what you and Sergio were arguing about wasn’t it? Jesus I can’t believe this. You know what’s selfish Steven? Keeping this from me.”
Steven looks at Fernando. “Fuck Nando, this is exactly why I kept this from you, because I knew you’d say no. I knew you’d be upset. You can’t imagine how anyone would want to leave this city, and I can’t imagine how you wouldn’t want to get the fuck out of this city. I know if I had your high school experience I would be.”
“What do you mean? And what the fuck does that have to do with this?!” Fernando knows he sounds guilty, but that’s because he is. It’s the one thing he’s kept from Steven, the one very big thing, but he had his reasons, and damn it this is not the same thing as Steven keeping his decision to move from him.
“Oh come on Nando. You don’t think I don’t know about the bullying? About how you were kicked off the soccer team because they thought you were gay. I asked your parents because you wouldn’t tell me. You talk about me keeping stuff from you, but you’ve been keeping this from me since day one. Don’t you think that’s the sort of thing you should share with me?”
“No. Who wants to talk about getting bullied in high school? High school sucks, getting bullied sucks, end of story.”
“No, that’s not the end of the story because it is still painful for you. You don’t think I haven’t noticed you looking at the guys playing pick-up soccer out on the island during our baseball games with Jamie and Paul? You want to play again, I can tell, but it reminds you of getting kicked off the team, of being asked to leave by your teammates, the people you considered to be your friends.”
“Steven just……..just shut up ok.” Fernando doesn’t want to talk about this, not now, there are more important things at stake here, and he’s really not in the mood for a trip down a painful memory lane. “I don’t want to talk about that right now, it’s not important. And it’s not the same thing, not even remotely. You just want to make me feel guilty so you feel less shitty about this, but you don’t get to do that, because it is shitty.”
“Oh fuck off Nando. It is exactly the same thing.”
“What? Are you drunk?”
Steven sighs; Fernando can see him physically deflate. “Because……because I should’ve made you tell me. I knew, I’ve known for about two years, and I’ve never told you. I just…didn’t want to make you relive the pain. It’s become a pattern for me Nando. I didn’t want to hurt you, so I didn’t tell you I was looking for other jobs. You just made it so difficult sometimes.”
Fernando feels the anger slowly building inside of him, until its red-hot, and then he explodes.
“That is exactly why I didn’t tell you. I’m not some charity case! Don’t treat me like damaged goods, like what I went through wasn’t typical……..just don’t!” Fernando starts fidgeting, rubbing his hands over his wrists, only stopping when he sees Stevie watching him, furious.
Now it’s Steven’s turn to yell. “Jesus Christ Nando just let me in! I don’t know why I thought it was a good idea to propose to you, since it’s obvious you won’t let me in. ……. “ And typical?” Steven is screaming now. “Typical?!!!! You fucking cut yourself………you could’ve died! Just because I’ve never said anything, doesn’t mean I haven’t seen the scars. I’m not blind. If you had succeeded….”
Fernando can’t remember being more shocked, more hurt, or more furious than he is right now, but he somehow manages to pull it together. His next words are just as icy, just as cold, as his stare. “ You know it feels like I’m back in high school, but it’s you that’s doing the cutting……with your words……So did you take the job?”
Steven’s reply is just as cold. “Yes.”
Fernando can feel his face fall, can feel the tears coming, but he doesn’t want Steven to see. He doesn’t deserve to see him cry. He gets up quickly before Steven notices the tears. When Fernando gets to the door, he turns around.
“Well I hope you enjoy New York City without me.”
Before Steven can respond, he leaves, slamming the door behind him for good measure.
As soon as he saw Fernando’s tears, Steven knew he’d gone too far. He’d known this would be difficult, but he certainly never expected to come this close to breaking up. Come to think of it, he’s not really sure where they stand now. They’re both too worked up, too upset, too angry, at each other, to think rationally about this. As wrong as he knows he is, Steven is still mad at Fernando, mad at him for being stubborn, for refusing to talk about his high school experience. Mostly Steven is mad at him because he’s right. Why couldn’t he see how hard this had been for him, how scared he was to tell him? Wasn’t he supposed to help take away the hurt, to allow him to unload? He’d always thought his role in this relationship was to make Fernando feel good about himself rc but apparently he’d been wrong. Steven hates feeling like shit, and he hates hating Fernando right now-it’s time to head to a bar and drink the anger and hurt away for the evening.
~
Steven is on his fourth beer when he sees Xabi. Xabi takes one look at his face, frowns, and then heads over to talk to him.
“God, you look like shit. I take it you finally told Fernando that you’d been looking for other jobs?”
Steven nods.
“And it didn’t go great obviously, but did you expect it to?”
“I don’t know what I expected, but I fucked it up really badly. He’ll never go with me now. I don’t……I don’t know if we’re going to make it. I don’t know where we stand.” Steven’s sure he must look like an emotional wreck, but that’s because he is. He’s never cried over a break up or a bad fight with a boyfriend, but right now he feels like he could break down and sob into his beer.
Xabi looks at him worriedly. “Are you sure getting drunk at the bar with complete strangers is the best way to handle it?”
Steven’s not really sure why or how the words pop out of his mouth, but they do. “No, I think I should be back at my place getting drunk and eating pizza with a friend……you.”
If Xabi is surprised, he doesn’t show it. Instead he offers to pay for Steven’s tab and then drives them back to Steven’s place. By that time Steven is sober enough to order a pizza, and crack open a couple of beers from the fridge. He tries not to look at the pictures of him and Fernando hanging on the fridge, he fails, and Xabi notices.
“You must really love him.”
Steven nods; he can’t talk. He feels like if he talks he’ll start crying and never stop.
“What’s it like? Being in love that is?”
Xabi’s questions surprises him. “Well……wait, so you’re telling me you’ve never been in love?”
Xabi shakes his head. “No, not really, in lust, sure, but love, no I don’t think so. I’ve slept with a lot of guys.” He smiles awkwardly. “But I’ve never felt any sort of connection, beyond the physical that is.”
“Well, love can be physical I suppose. I can’t tell you what love is like for everyone, I only know what it is for me. Knowing that you have someone to come home to at the end of the day, that if you’ve had a shitty day that person will, usually, make it better. It’s knowing that the same person will be there in morning when you wake up. The everyday mundane things, they aren’t, because that person makes them special, because you get to share those everyday things with that person.” Steven laughs. “Even if that mundane thing is stinking up the bed with your farts. And sure there’s sex, and that’s fucking fantastic, but love, to me, is more than that. It’s accepting each other’s faults, realizing that neither of you is perfect. It’s knowing that you should, and you can change for that person. If you can’t, well…..”
Steven realizes he’s crying, because neither of them have been able to accept each other’s faults. They’ve been too concerned with trying to place the blame on the other, and he wonders if they really are capable of changing for each other………if he is. Suddenly he feels Xabi’s hand rubbing his back, it feels soothing, and he finds himself leaning into his touch. He laughs through his tears.
“Love also sucks.”
Xabi doesn’t respond, but continues to rub his back. Steven supposes he should pull away, but he’s hurting, and Xabi’s hand feels good.
He smiles wanly at him. “Thanks.”
Xabi smiles back. “You’re welcome.”
The pizza arrives, and Steven concentrates on that for the next few minutes, but he can feel Xabi watching him.
“Do you want to talk about it, your fight with Fernando?”
Steven sighs and puts down his second piece of pizza. “Is it enough to say Sergio was right? That you were right?”
“How so? Not that I’m glad really.”
“He was furious- furious that I didn’t tell him sooner, and he was right to be mad. He should’ve been the first person I told, not the last. He fucking loves this city, and can’t or won’t, understand why I don’t. I proposed, but he saw right through me. I was using it as a cover to get him to move to New York and he knew it.”
Xabi nods. “I see. So he didn’t accept I take it?”
Steven takes another long swig of his beer and laughs ironically. “No, and I said some really shitty things in response.”
“Can you really blame him though? He probably wanted a real proposal. A proposal not fueled by your guilt. He probably wanted you to propose out of love, because you couldn’t live without him, not because you were desperate to make it seem like you weren’t at fault.”
Steven drops his pizza, and looks up at Xabi. The rational part of his brain says he should shut up and just pick up his pizza and keep eating, but that rational part shuts down pretty quick. Fernando may think he’s got the monopoly on pride, and he does in some respects, but Steven doesn’t take personal insults too well, particularly when they are so devastatingly right.
“What the fuck would you know about that? You just said you’d never been in love, therefore no one’s ever proposed to you. People propose for all sorts of reasons, and I do love him. I proposed because I couldn’t fucking live without him!”
Xabi seems unperturbed by the fire of Steven’s accusations, remaining frustratingly cool. “I’m not the person that needs to know that Steven.”
“Oh yeah?!” Steven breathes into Xabi’s face. (and when did he get so close?)
“Yes. And I wonder why you’re here, with me, instead of trying to fix your relationship with the person you apparently can’t live without?”
A thousand different replies, all of them angry and rude, run through Steven’s mind. He hates that Xabi is right, yet again. He should be telling Fernando these things, but hasn’t that always been his problem- telling the wrong people the wrong things? He doesn’t care anymore. No actually, that’s a lie. He cares too much. He knows, he knows he should go back to Fernando and apologize, as Xabi is basically telling him to do, but his pride keeps getting in the way, his all important, and probably stupid pride. The pride that Xabi has unknowingly stamped on, the pride that he will have to do away with if……when he goes back to Fernando to apologize. In the back of his mind, Stevie knows that, when he does go back to apologize, Fernando will guilt trip him into staying with him in Detroit. The thought makes him furious, furious at the one person he loves most in this world. He doesn’t want to stay in Detroit, he can’t stay in Detroit, and so he does something that he knows Fernando will never forgive him for, he kisses Xabi. At first, he does it just to stop thinking about how he’s fucked up his relationship, and he feels a sense of release. Then it turns into something more, something he really doesn’t want to think about, he begins to deepen the kiss, but Xabi pushes him away.
“This is a bad idea Steven, on so many levels. For one, you love Fernando, doing this only hurts you and him more. Secondly, you’re only doing this out of spite, where as I would be doing it for a different reason.”
Steven stands there, in front of Xabi, dumbfounded. He’d never even considered how Xabi felt, or why he asked about being in love. He moves towards Xabi, sensing his hesitancy. Sure, he’s right, Steven is just doing this out of spite and because he’s hurting, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t find Xabi attractive. That he doesn’t want to know what Xabi’s cock feels like in his ass, and so he backs Xabi into the door, whispering against his mouth.
“You want me? You can have me tonight.”
For a moment Xabi just stands there, letting Steven kiss him, then something shifts, and the tables are turned. Xabi whispers. “Oh fuck it; I’ll hate myself in the morning.”
He takes the lead, attacking Steven’s mouth, his neck, making quick work of his shirt. Steven turns off his brain, and just feels. It….Xabi feels fucking amazing. Pressed against the kitchen counter, with Xabi’s mouth around his dick, he forgets about New York City, and about Fernando. It feels good to relinquish control, to be fucked, to be pressed into the mattress, to feel Xabi’s stubble scratching his face, to feel his cock in his ass. It’s not like Fernando at all, it’s rough, it’s hot, and it’s fast. Steven’s hasn’t come this fast and this hard for a very long time. Xabi lasts a few minutes more, thrusting into Steven as he comes, groaning.
It’s only after he feels Xabi pressed up against him, in Fernando’s place, that his brain and his heart catch up with him, and he begins to regret. Xabi doesn’t snore, and Steven who is used to Fernando’s snoring, finds it hard to sleep. Eventually exhaustion, emotional and physical, overtakes him.
When he wakes up two hours later, he wishes he hadn’t, as he wakes up to Fernando’s wrecked face, staring at them from the bedroom door. He makes to get up, but Fernando stops him with a choked “Don’t” as he rushes out of the apartment, tears streaming down his face.
Steven stands in the kitchen, in the boxers he hurriedly put on to run after Nando with, staring at the door he just barely saw Fernando running out of, and he begins to sob. There’s no going back from this, there’s no way to fix his relationship; his three years of happiness with Fernando are over rc and it is completely his fault. He cries for the hole he can feel forming in his heart, he cries for the hurt he’s caused Fernando, and he cries because he knows he’s going to New York alone. Mostly he cries because he got his wish- Fernando will never, ever, forgive him for this. He can’t go back into the bedroom, he can’t look at Xabi, can’t face him, and so he takes a couple of sleeping pills and passes out on the couch.
Rating: R overall
Pairing: Fernando Torres/Steven Gerrard, eventual Sergio Ramos/Fernando Torres and Xabi Alonso/Steven Gerrard
Summary: Fernando Torres is a journalist living in Detroit, perfectly content with his life & his boyfriend (or is he) until Sergio Ramos & Xabi Alonso, a journalist & photographer from New York City, show up, and completely shake things up.
Warning: angst & a reference to self harm
Word Count: 3520
Disclaimer: I made it all up, none of this is based on anything factual.
Thanks, as always, to my beta wh_mermaid for being awesome
gone and said too much I can't undo. I'm not kinda man to try to hurt you, there's too much now that we can't undo, you'll never come back like you always do
Fernando’s just about to leave work when Steven calls.
“We need to talk.”
Finally, Fernando thinks.
“Can you meet me at my place after work?”
“Sure.” Fernando grabs his messenger bag and heads out into the cold. He’s not sure what to expect from Stevie. He’s not sure what has caused this wedge to form between them, well actually that’s a lie- he knows what has caused it: the argument. It’s the thing Steven won’t talk about and Fernando can’t let go of. The fact that Steven won’t tell him no matter how much he asks, begs, troubles him. Usually Steven shares everything with him. If there’s something bothering him, he tells Fernando, no matter how upset he knows Fernando will get. Whatever it is that Steven won’t talk about, whatever that argument with Sergio was about, must have been pretty big, pretty upsetting, and possibly life-changing. A part of Fernando doesn’t want to know, because he fears what it might mean for him and Stevie. Realistically though he knows that they can’t go on like they have been, whatever it is has to be said, has to be brought to light, so they can deal with it together, like they have with everything else for the last three years.
Fernando lets himself into Steven’s place and finds Steven sitting in front of the fireplace, a tumbler of whisky in his hand. He turns around when he sees Fernando, smiles, and gestures for him to sit next to him.
Fernando walks over and sits down, and waits for Steven to speak first. Steven stares into the fire for a few more moments before taking a long sip of his whiskey. He turns and takes Fernando’s hand in his, he looks like he’s considering his next words very carefully.
“What would you say if I were to ask you to marry me?”
Fernando is too shocked to speak at first. This isn’t what he was expecting at all. For a few short moments, he’s indescribably happy, and on the verge of saying yes, but something stops him. The facts don’t add up. He knows Steven is waiting for his answer, but he only has questions. It doesn’t make sense. Why would Steven and Sergio be arguing about this? He doesn’t think Sergio would tell Steven not to propose to him. Sergio, at that point, had only known them three months, it’s not like he had any business telling Steven it was a bad idea. He’s a little hot headed, but he’d like to think that Sergio would encourage Steven to propose, not the opposite. This leads Fernando to believe that once again Steven is hiding something from him, is hiding behind a proposal to soften the blow of whatever this is really about, and that angers him.
He removes his hand from Steven’s. “What is this about Stevie? I mean what is this really about? I know you weren’t arguing so heatedly with Sergio about what type of ring to buy me. What is so bad that you can’t tell me?” He can hear the hurt creep into his voice. “You’ve always shared everything with me. Why can’t you trust me?”
Steven sighs. “I suppose there’s no use in hiding it anymore………I’ve been offered a job in New York.”
As a journalist, words don’t often fail him, but for about a minute Fernando is speechless. He’d had no idea that Steven had even been exploring other job opportunities, outside of Detroit. All this time, who knows how many months, he’d been hiding this from him. His boyfriend, who usually tells him everything, has kept this from him, and this is a big fucking deal.
“What?! Why?”
Steven gets up and begins pacing. “Because I know what you’d say Fernando, you’d say no. You don’t want to leave Detroit. You’ve made that quite clear.”
“Yes, I’d probably say no, but that doesn’t mean I don’t get a say.”
Steven continues to pace. “Truth is…….I’ve been looking for awhile now. I’ve wanted to get out of this city for so long. I wish you could see that. I’m suffocating here, but every time I’ve brought up the subject of moving, of taking one of those many amazing job offers you’ve been given, you shut me down, tell me to forget about it. You never gave me the chance to tell you.”
Fernando can’t believe what he is hearing. He’s not sure how it’s possible to go from being as positively happy as he was a few minutes ago to being as utterly furious.
“What?? How is this my fault? How am I supposed to know you are suffocating if you never tell me? There are two people in this relationship. If you’d told me, maybe we could’ve talked about it.” He runs his hand through his hair in frustration. “Why the fuck did you even propose Steven?”
“Because I thought you might just love me enough, maybe more than you love this city, to move with me. I thought if I proposed you’d go with me. Start a new life together…….somewhere not here. I guess Xabi was right, I guess I’m being selfish.”
Fernando can’t speak for the utter disbelief and fury clogging up his vocal chords. When he does find his voice, he spits out his words.
“You told Xabi? I should’ve been the first person you told. That’s what you and Sergio were arguing about wasn’t it? Jesus I can’t believe this. You know what’s selfish Steven? Keeping this from me.”
Steven looks at Fernando. “Fuck Nando, this is exactly why I kept this from you, because I knew you’d say no. I knew you’d be upset. You can’t imagine how anyone would want to leave this city, and I can’t imagine how you wouldn’t want to get the fuck out of this city. I know if I had your high school experience I would be.”
“What do you mean? And what the fuck does that have to do with this?!” Fernando knows he sounds guilty, but that’s because he is. It’s the one thing he’s kept from Steven, the one very big thing, but he had his reasons, and damn it this is not the same thing as Steven keeping his decision to move from him.
“Oh come on Nando. You don’t think I don’t know about the bullying? About how you were kicked off the soccer team because they thought you were gay. I asked your parents because you wouldn’t tell me. You talk about me keeping stuff from you, but you’ve been keeping this from me since day one. Don’t you think that’s the sort of thing you should share with me?”
“No. Who wants to talk about getting bullied in high school? High school sucks, getting bullied sucks, end of story.”
“No, that’s not the end of the story because it is still painful for you. You don’t think I haven’t noticed you looking at the guys playing pick-up soccer out on the island during our baseball games with Jamie and Paul? You want to play again, I can tell, but it reminds you of getting kicked off the team, of being asked to leave by your teammates, the people you considered to be your friends.”
“Steven just……..just shut up ok.” Fernando doesn’t want to talk about this, not now, there are more important things at stake here, and he’s really not in the mood for a trip down a painful memory lane. “I don’t want to talk about that right now, it’s not important. And it’s not the same thing, not even remotely. You just want to make me feel guilty so you feel less shitty about this, but you don’t get to do that, because it is shitty.”
“Oh fuck off Nando. It is exactly the same thing.”
“What? Are you drunk?”
Steven sighs; Fernando can see him physically deflate. “Because……because I should’ve made you tell me. I knew, I’ve known for about two years, and I’ve never told you. I just…didn’t want to make you relive the pain. It’s become a pattern for me Nando. I didn’t want to hurt you, so I didn’t tell you I was looking for other jobs. You just made it so difficult sometimes.”
Fernando feels the anger slowly building inside of him, until its red-hot, and then he explodes.
“That is exactly why I didn’t tell you. I’m not some charity case! Don’t treat me like damaged goods, like what I went through wasn’t typical……..just don’t!” Fernando starts fidgeting, rubbing his hands over his wrists, only stopping when he sees Stevie watching him, furious.
Now it’s Steven’s turn to yell. “Jesus Christ Nando just let me in! I don’t know why I thought it was a good idea to propose to you, since it’s obvious you won’t let me in. ……. “ And typical?” Steven is screaming now. “Typical?!!!! You fucking cut yourself………you could’ve died! Just because I’ve never said anything, doesn’t mean I haven’t seen the scars. I’m not blind. If you had succeeded….”
Fernando can’t remember being more shocked, more hurt, or more furious than he is right now, but he somehow manages to pull it together. His next words are just as icy, just as cold, as his stare. “ You know it feels like I’m back in high school, but it’s you that’s doing the cutting……with your words……So did you take the job?”
Steven’s reply is just as cold. “Yes.”
Fernando can feel his face fall, can feel the tears coming, but he doesn’t want Steven to see. He doesn’t deserve to see him cry. He gets up quickly before Steven notices the tears. When Fernando gets to the door, he turns around.
“Well I hope you enjoy New York City without me.”
Before Steven can respond, he leaves, slamming the door behind him for good measure.
As soon as he saw Fernando’s tears, Steven knew he’d gone too far. He’d known this would be difficult, but he certainly never expected to come this close to breaking up. Come to think of it, he’s not really sure where they stand now. They’re both too worked up, too upset, too angry, at each other, to think rationally about this. As wrong as he knows he is, Steven is still mad at Fernando, mad at him for being stubborn, for refusing to talk about his high school experience. Mostly Steven is mad at him because he’s right. Why couldn’t he see how hard this had been for him, how scared he was to tell him? Wasn’t he supposed to help take away the hurt, to allow him to unload? He’d always thought his role in this relationship was to make Fernando feel good about himself rc but apparently he’d been wrong. Steven hates feeling like shit, and he hates hating Fernando right now-it’s time to head to a bar and drink the anger and hurt away for the evening.
~
Steven is on his fourth beer when he sees Xabi. Xabi takes one look at his face, frowns, and then heads over to talk to him.
“God, you look like shit. I take it you finally told Fernando that you’d been looking for other jobs?”
Steven nods.
“And it didn’t go great obviously, but did you expect it to?”
“I don’t know what I expected, but I fucked it up really badly. He’ll never go with me now. I don’t……I don’t know if we’re going to make it. I don’t know where we stand.” Steven’s sure he must look like an emotional wreck, but that’s because he is. He’s never cried over a break up or a bad fight with a boyfriend, but right now he feels like he could break down and sob into his beer.
Xabi looks at him worriedly. “Are you sure getting drunk at the bar with complete strangers is the best way to handle it?”
Steven’s not really sure why or how the words pop out of his mouth, but they do. “No, I think I should be back at my place getting drunk and eating pizza with a friend……you.”
If Xabi is surprised, he doesn’t show it. Instead he offers to pay for Steven’s tab and then drives them back to Steven’s place. By that time Steven is sober enough to order a pizza, and crack open a couple of beers from the fridge. He tries not to look at the pictures of him and Fernando hanging on the fridge, he fails, and Xabi notices.
“You must really love him.”
Steven nods; he can’t talk. He feels like if he talks he’ll start crying and never stop.
“What’s it like? Being in love that is?”
Xabi’s questions surprises him. “Well……wait, so you’re telling me you’ve never been in love?”
Xabi shakes his head. “No, not really, in lust, sure, but love, no I don’t think so. I’ve slept with a lot of guys.” He smiles awkwardly. “But I’ve never felt any sort of connection, beyond the physical that is.”
“Well, love can be physical I suppose. I can’t tell you what love is like for everyone, I only know what it is for me. Knowing that you have someone to come home to at the end of the day, that if you’ve had a shitty day that person will, usually, make it better. It’s knowing that the same person will be there in morning when you wake up. The everyday mundane things, they aren’t, because that person makes them special, because you get to share those everyday things with that person.” Steven laughs. “Even if that mundane thing is stinking up the bed with your farts. And sure there’s sex, and that’s fucking fantastic, but love, to me, is more than that. It’s accepting each other’s faults, realizing that neither of you is perfect. It’s knowing that you should, and you can change for that person. If you can’t, well…..”
Steven realizes he’s crying, because neither of them have been able to accept each other’s faults. They’ve been too concerned with trying to place the blame on the other, and he wonders if they really are capable of changing for each other………if he is. Suddenly he feels Xabi’s hand rubbing his back, it feels soothing, and he finds himself leaning into his touch. He laughs through his tears.
“Love also sucks.”
Xabi doesn’t respond, but continues to rub his back. Steven supposes he should pull away, but he’s hurting, and Xabi’s hand feels good.
He smiles wanly at him. “Thanks.”
Xabi smiles back. “You’re welcome.”
The pizza arrives, and Steven concentrates on that for the next few minutes, but he can feel Xabi watching him.
“Do you want to talk about it, your fight with Fernando?”
Steven sighs and puts down his second piece of pizza. “Is it enough to say Sergio was right? That you were right?”
“How so? Not that I’m glad really.”
“He was furious- furious that I didn’t tell him sooner, and he was right to be mad. He should’ve been the first person I told, not the last. He fucking loves this city, and can’t or won’t, understand why I don’t. I proposed, but he saw right through me. I was using it as a cover to get him to move to New York and he knew it.”
Xabi nods. “I see. So he didn’t accept I take it?”
Steven takes another long swig of his beer and laughs ironically. “No, and I said some really shitty things in response.”
“Can you really blame him though? He probably wanted a real proposal. A proposal not fueled by your guilt. He probably wanted you to propose out of love, because you couldn’t live without him, not because you were desperate to make it seem like you weren’t at fault.”
Steven drops his pizza, and looks up at Xabi. The rational part of his brain says he should shut up and just pick up his pizza and keep eating, but that rational part shuts down pretty quick. Fernando may think he’s got the monopoly on pride, and he does in some respects, but Steven doesn’t take personal insults too well, particularly when they are so devastatingly right.
“What the fuck would you know about that? You just said you’d never been in love, therefore no one’s ever proposed to you. People propose for all sorts of reasons, and I do love him. I proposed because I couldn’t fucking live without him!”
Xabi seems unperturbed by the fire of Steven’s accusations, remaining frustratingly cool. “I’m not the person that needs to know that Steven.”
“Oh yeah?!” Steven breathes into Xabi’s face. (and when did he get so close?)
“Yes. And I wonder why you’re here, with me, instead of trying to fix your relationship with the person you apparently can’t live without?”
A thousand different replies, all of them angry and rude, run through Steven’s mind. He hates that Xabi is right, yet again. He should be telling Fernando these things, but hasn’t that always been his problem- telling the wrong people the wrong things? He doesn’t care anymore. No actually, that’s a lie. He cares too much. He knows, he knows he should go back to Fernando and apologize, as Xabi is basically telling him to do, but his pride keeps getting in the way, his all important, and probably stupid pride. The pride that Xabi has unknowingly stamped on, the pride that he will have to do away with if……when he goes back to Fernando to apologize. In the back of his mind, Stevie knows that, when he does go back to apologize, Fernando will guilt trip him into staying with him in Detroit. The thought makes him furious, furious at the one person he loves most in this world. He doesn’t want to stay in Detroit, he can’t stay in Detroit, and so he does something that he knows Fernando will never forgive him for, he kisses Xabi. At first, he does it just to stop thinking about how he’s fucked up his relationship, and he feels a sense of release. Then it turns into something more, something he really doesn’t want to think about, he begins to deepen the kiss, but Xabi pushes him away.
“This is a bad idea Steven, on so many levels. For one, you love Fernando, doing this only hurts you and him more. Secondly, you’re only doing this out of spite, where as I would be doing it for a different reason.”
Steven stands there, in front of Xabi, dumbfounded. He’d never even considered how Xabi felt, or why he asked about being in love. He moves towards Xabi, sensing his hesitancy. Sure, he’s right, Steven is just doing this out of spite and because he’s hurting, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t find Xabi attractive. That he doesn’t want to know what Xabi’s cock feels like in his ass, and so he backs Xabi into the door, whispering against his mouth.
“You want me? You can have me tonight.”
For a moment Xabi just stands there, letting Steven kiss him, then something shifts, and the tables are turned. Xabi whispers. “Oh fuck it; I’ll hate myself in the morning.”
He takes the lead, attacking Steven’s mouth, his neck, making quick work of his shirt. Steven turns off his brain, and just feels. It….Xabi feels fucking amazing. Pressed against the kitchen counter, with Xabi’s mouth around his dick, he forgets about New York City, and about Fernando. It feels good to relinquish control, to be fucked, to be pressed into the mattress, to feel Xabi’s stubble scratching his face, to feel his cock in his ass. It’s not like Fernando at all, it’s rough, it’s hot, and it’s fast. Steven’s hasn’t come this fast and this hard for a very long time. Xabi lasts a few minutes more, thrusting into Steven as he comes, groaning.
It’s only after he feels Xabi pressed up against him, in Fernando’s place, that his brain and his heart catch up with him, and he begins to regret. Xabi doesn’t snore, and Steven who is used to Fernando’s snoring, finds it hard to sleep. Eventually exhaustion, emotional and physical, overtakes him.
When he wakes up two hours later, he wishes he hadn’t, as he wakes up to Fernando’s wrecked face, staring at them from the bedroom door. He makes to get up, but Fernando stops him with a choked “Don’t” as he rushes out of the apartment, tears streaming down his face.
Steven stands in the kitchen, in the boxers he hurriedly put on to run after Nando with, staring at the door he just barely saw Fernando running out of, and he begins to sob. There’s no going back from this, there’s no way to fix his relationship; his three years of happiness with Fernando are over rc and it is completely his fault. He cries for the hole he can feel forming in his heart, he cries for the hurt he’s caused Fernando, and he cries because he knows he’s going to New York alone. Mostly he cries because he got his wish- Fernando will never, ever, forgive him for this. He can’t go back into the bedroom, he can’t look at Xabi, can’t face him, and so he takes a couple of sleeping pills and passes out on the couch.