I let it fall, my heart
Title:I let it fall, my heart (a song fic)
Rating: R
Pairing: Sergio Ramos/Fernando Torres (alternate universe, they are not footballers)
Warning: character death
Word Count: 3100 aprox/
Disclaimer: I made it all up, none of this is based on anything factual, thank goodness.
A/N: Thanks to my wonderful beta wh_mermaid. I honestly wasn't so sure about this fic (even though i was keen to get started on it), but her through guidance & suggestions I was able to feel a little more sure about it.This is my first time writing a fic w/a character death. I'm not sure how I feel about this fic as a whole. It is set to Adele's haunting 'Set Fire to the Rain'. It's not necessary that you listen to it, but I do suggest it.
Comments are very much appreciated.
I let it fall my heart, and as it fell, you rose to claim it.
It was dark and I was over, until you kissed my lips and you saved me
Fernando met Sergio skydiving. Fernando had been nervous as hell-he hated heights, but he was determined. Sergio, who’d been watching him since the plane had taken off, poked him in the side.
“You look nervous.”
“Is it that obvious?”
“Yes.” Sergio had responded simply, smiling.
“I’m afraid of heights.”
Fernando expected Sergio to make fun of him, to mock him like his boyfriend always had, but he didn’t, instead he nudged him and grinned.
“Well I always say you should try to conquer what you fear, there’s no greater thrill than that.”
Looking back, Fernando supposes he should have known, should have been more wary of this philosophy of Sergio’s, but he hadn’t-he was too nervous. Instead, he smiled uneasily back.
“Jump with me.”
“What?”
Sergio pulled him up.
“Jump with me. If you’re that nervous, it’ll help. That way if you panic, and forget, I can pull your string.”
“Oh……ok, well I guess.”
Sergio took his hand. Fernando remembers it being warm, he remembers feeling safe, like Sergio wasn’t going to let go. He remembers thinking that it was fortuitous Sergio had been there. They’d stepped toward the edge of the plane, Sergio’s hand still in his. Sergio looked over at him, and counted to three, and together they’d jumped.
~
Afterwards Sergio invited him to have a drink with him, to celebrate. Fernando, feeling very proud of himself and very smug, decided he would-he’d dedicate it to David. David, the boyfriend who’d dumped him, who’d told him he wasn’t exciting, that he wasn’t any fun, that he would never loosen up, and therefore he’d found himself someone else that was all of those things.
Sergio raised his glass. “A toast to you, I’m sorry, your name, I didn’t catch it.”
“Fernando, and yours?”
Sergio clinked his glass with Fernando’s. “Sergio….a toast to Fernando, for conquering his fear…..”
“Well I wouldn’t put it like that.”
“….anyways, a toast to you. What are you toasting to?”
“David, fuck you motherfucker for saying I never did anything exciting, that I was boring. I did this for you……asshole.”
“Who’s David?”
“He was my boyfriend.”
“Ah, so you did have something more to prove.”
“Is that a bad thing?”
“No, I think it’s great that you used him to help you to conquer this fear. You’ll never tell him of course, it’s obvious you’re still hurting, but you’ll know, and that’s what’s important right? He doesn’t need to know. You should only do these things for yourself, the only one you need to prove anything to is yourself.”
“Are you a life coach or something?”
Sergio grinned. “No. I’m just someone who is always trying to top themselves, looking for the next biggest thrill.”
“I see, and what is the next one?”
“Well right now I think kissing you would be pretty thrilling.”
“Oh? Is that so?” Fernando smirked at this stranger, Sergio, with his strange philosophies and his warm hands and smile. He found he didn’t mind at all.
And with that Sergio leaned forward and kissed him, and that was it for Fernando-he felt his heart fall, and felt Sergio claim it. There was no going back for him.
when I lay with you I could stay there close my eyes
Feel you’re here forever, you me together nothing gets better
Sergio fitted so comfortably into Fernando’s life, filling the hole David left. It was scary, actually, how quickly Sergio became a necessary part of his life. Soon Fernando couldn’t remember a time when Sergio wasn’t a part of his life, when he didn’t have to see him every day. Each day was an adventure with Sergio-he could turn the most mundane thing, like learning how to make a new dish, a thrilling an adventure. He and Sergio together, nothing could be better. With Sergio, Fernando’s life was exciting.
But then there were times he wondered, in the beginning, if he was enough for Sergio. If he made Sergio’s life boring? He wondered if Sergio would someday realize that fucking Fernando, that loving Fernando wasn’t a big enough thrill for him. He asked Sergio about this one day, lying in bed. It was almost perfect, curled up against Sergio’s chest, except for that nagging feeling that someday Sergio would leave him for someone, for something, more thrilling; an adventure that Fernando wouldn’t, or couldn’t, go on.
“Sergio………?”
“Yes Fer?”
“Do you ever think…..do you ever wonder……..am I adventurous enough for you? Am I too boring?”
Sergio stopped running his finger along Fernando’s spine to look at him. “No.”
“No, that’s it?”
Sergio smirked as he slid his knee between Fernando’s thighs. “I think I’m adventurous enough for the both of us.” He rolled on top of Fernando, grabbing his dick. “Besides I love you, isn’t that enough?”
He smiled back, as leaned up to kiss Sergio. “I suppose that’s enough.”
Later, much later, he asked Sergio, his heart beating wildly, if he really did love him. Sergio’s answer, a whispered “yes of course” against his lips, tasted sweeter than the thousands of times David had whispered those words. It was then, in that moment, that Fernando realized that he’d never loved anyone as much as he loved Sergio.
If only Fernando had known then, how true Sergio’s words would turn out to be, maybe he would’ve told Sergio he was too adventurous, maybe then he would’ve told him love wasn’t enough. If only he had stopped himself from loving Sergio too much, but he knows, even with the knowledge he has now, that he wouldn’t have been able to stop himself.………there are too many “if onlys” in Fernando’s life now that Sergio is gone.
Cause there’s a side to you that I never knew, never knew. All the things you’d say, they were never true, never true.
It turned out that Sergio was indeed adventurous enough for the both of them-too adventurous. Each month there was a new adventure, a new challenge, a new thrill, each more dangerous than the next. It was an addiction with him. He would get restless, angry, when he was planning his next new thrill. The same passion that drove Sergio to live his life to the fullest, to love every moment of it, to make sure he wasn’t missing out on anyone or anything, also drove him to bouts of anger and silence when Fernando questioned him. Unlike David, Sergio did not mock him for his lack of imagination or adventure, instead he’d go quiet, his eyes full of sadness and quiet anger. He’d still sleep in the same bed, still fuck him, but there was always something missing at these times-as if Sergio was somewhere else, as if he was holding back out of anger, out of hurt-that Fernando couldn’t understand his need to do these things, to seek out new thrills. It always hurt, thinking that he wasn’t enough for Sergio, but every time he asked, he was met with the same question in reply.
“I thought me loving you was enough, why can’t that be enough for you Fernando?”
And Fernando, shamed by Sergio’s question, promised him that it was enough, that it was more than enough; except it wasn’t.
~
The first time Fernando got one of Sergio’s notes he flipped out. The note caused the first of many arguments. It wasn’t so much a fight-more like Fernando screaming at him, and Sergio pouting until Fernando gave in. The first time though, Sergio tried to explain to him, tried to tell him that it was only “just in case” something happened. Just in case he died, Fernando would know that Sergio loved him. He swore up and down he wasn’t serious, just about the part where he said he loved Fernando, that despite what Fernando might think or say, Sergio wasn’t reckless, he had his affairs in order. Fernando still remembers bits and pieces of that first note, even though he burned it weeks ago along with almost every note and letter Sergio ever wrote him.
Fer,
Don’t freak out, please don’t. This is just in case you know? I don’t want you to worry. I just want you to know that I love you. I just wanted to leave this note to let you know, you know, just in case something goes wrong. I want you to tell my family too….I’m giving you all my flamenco CDs…. you need to lighten up a bit…...
Fernando doesn’t remember the rest of it really (that’s a lie, he remembers it all), but he does remember how he yelled when Sergio returned.
“SERGIO!!!!!!!!” He waved the note in front of Sergio’s face, his face several shades of red.
“What is this? What the fuck is this note?”
“It’s nothing Fernando.”
“Nothing!? You know what this looks like to me? It looks like a suicide note? Why the fuck did you write this? Why? Why would you do that to me?”
“Just in case…..in case something happens. Come on Fernando it was a joke. Seriously, I didn’t go out there intent on dying.”
“A joke? Death is a joke to you?”
Sergio at least, had the decency to look chagrined. “No……ok so it wasn’t a joke, really……..it was more of well, a “just in case”.”
“A just in case? What does that mean?”
“It means, just in case something happens, I want people to know how I feel about them, I want my family to know, I want you to know.”
“To know what?”
“That I love you, most in this world.” Sergio replied, seemingly, in earnest.
Fernando could feel the red leaving his face, could feel his breathing getting more even.
“Oh well……ok.”
Sergio smiled in response, and then led him into the bedroom, silencing his worries, his anger, with his lips and his hands. This happened over and over again, each time Fernando found a note, and there were lots of them, he’d react the same way. And Sergio would tell him the same things, promise him the same things, make the same vows, and Fernando would relent each time, believe him each time. But Fernando now knew that those words weren’t true, they had never been true, because now he knew that Sergio had loved something else much more than him
And the games you play, you would always win, always win
There was one time though that the promises and the words, and the hands and the lips didn’t work. . .
Fernando, again, found one of Sergio’s notes, only this time he flipped out for another reason; it was his birthday. It was his birthday and Sergio had gone off, again, on one of his adventures. When Sergio came back that evening, his whole body radiating with the excitement and joy like it always did after one of his thrill rides, he tried to kiss Fernando. When Fernando, still livid, stepped away from him, Sergio frowned.
“Fernando, now come on, not this again. You know I have to do this, you know it, you should know it by now.”
“Yes…I do know that by now Ser-Gi-o.” Fernando pronounced every word slowly and carefully, trying to control his anger. “But that’s not the point. Do you know what today is…..well was, since the day is almost fuckin over?”
“Yes of course, your birthday Fer. I didn’t forget.”
“What?! Why did you go if you knew, if you didn’t forget? What the fuck Sese!”
“I had to Fer, I couldn’t help it. When I get that itch, you know I can’t help it, I can’t resist it.”
Fernando got up and headed to the bedroom slamming the door shut behind him, not wanting to speak or see Sergio. Alone, once again, he began to think over what Sergio had said, it didn’t calm him down. He was angry- angry at Sergio, angry at himself, for being surprised, for thinking that Sergio’s need, no his addiction, to thrill seek, had driven him to skip out on Fernando’s birthday. It was clear, even more than ever, that he’d never be able to completely satisfy Sergio, that Sergio’s “addiction” would always come before his boyfriend. Fernando wasn’t sure if he could handle that, but he wasn’t sure he was strong enough to leave Sergio, he wasn’t sure his heart could take it. He’d fallen so quickly and so carelessly in love, he didn’t really see a way out, and that above all else angered him. The fact that he hadn’t guarded his heart more carefully, that he’d given it away so quickly after David had left him, angered him. It was so foolish, and now he was stuck with a boyfriend who loved him, but not as much Fernando wanted him to.
Sergio softly knocked on the door
“Fernando………I’m sorry. I really am. I shouldn’t have skipped out.”
Fernando sighed. “No you shouldn’t have.”
“You know I can’t help it though Fer, you know it. It’s an addiction.”
“Yes I know Sese.”
“I got you a present.”
Fernando opened the door. Before he could say anything, Sergio was in his space, his hands all over him as he murmured words of apology and love, all of which Fernando knew Sergio meant. And just like that, just like the fool in love that he was, he forgave him. He was still angry, still hurt, but he was in too deep now, caught in this game of hearts with Sergio.
I set fire to the rain, and I threw us into the flame
When we fell, something died, cause I knew that that was the last time
Fernando holds Sergio’s last note in his hand, his eyes blur with unshed tears as he reads it over again. It’s no different from the countless notes Sergio left him over the years, but it is the most painful because it was the last note Sergio wrote to anyone. This note was not a “just in case” note, it was a “I’m gone, please remember me, please love me” note.
His knees give out and he finds himself kneeling before Sergio’s grave, but still he refuses to cry. He hasn’t cried since the accident. He refuses to cry for the man who left him so cruelly.
~
Fernando paced for what seems like hours. The doctors wouldn’t let him see Sergio and it was driving him insane. Sergio’s mother and brother watched him helplessly, each lost in their own pain, their own worry. Finally, a doctor came out to speak to them; Fernando remembered bits and pieces of that conversation.
“ doing everything we can”
“There are several worrying injuries”
“Internal bleeding…….damaged spine”
“Surgery”
“You can see him before we put him under”
Fernando let Sergio’s mother and brother go in first; he wanted to see Sergio alone.
Sergio smiled when he saw him, big and bright, like he wasn’t in excruciating pain. Fernando sat down and took his hand, still warm and as comforting as the first time, and squeezed. He’d had so many questions, mostly all centered around a central question, why?
“Looks like I finally found the greatest thrill Fer.”
Fernando started to laugh, and sobbed instead, dry heaves, no tears, just sobs that shook his body until he was clinging to Sergio as closely as all the tubes and various I.V.’s would allow him, asking over and over again, “why?”.
“I had to Fer, I couldn’t help it.”
Before Fernando could respond, the doctors had ushered him out. He’d glanced behind him once more to find Sergio still smiling, as if he was totally fine, as if this was just another “joke”, as if the last note he left would be another “just in case” note.
It wasn’t.
The doctor came out three hours later.
“I’m sorry, we did all we could but……”
Fernando didn’t remember much after that. Sergio’s brother told him he flipped out and punched a wall (his hand still bore the scars), and then refused treatment as he sat, catatonic in the waiting room of the emergency room. He supposed he must have gone in to see Sergio one last time, but he had no memory of it. At the funeral, he was blitzed out on booze and painkillers, and didn’t speak to anyone, although he remembers the looks people gave him-full of sadness and understanding, but what the fuck did they understand? How could they understand what it was like to be abandoned by your lover, a lover that you could never satisfy, a lover that lived for thrills, more than he lived for you? It was a pain, it was an anger that Fernando couldn’t and wouldn’t share with anyone.
~
Fernando stares blindly at the headstone, as he holds the note before him.
“Why Sese why? I mean I know, but why, fuck why did you have to go? Why did you have to go and leave me alone? What about those promises you made? What about all those times that you told me you loved me more than anything in the world? That was a lie wasn’t it? All those words you said, they were all a lie, all the times you swore this was the last time. They were never true were they? I gave you all of me; I gave you my heart so freely and so quickly. I shouldn’t have, should’ve never let you buy me a drink, should’ve never have let you kiss me, and I should’ve definitely never let myself fall in love with you. There are too many things I shouldn’t have done Sese, and they all add up to the fact that I wish I never met you. And yeah, I know, it’s my fault. I could never walk away, and I hate myself for that too. Mostly though I just miss you.....so much”
Fernando takes out a lighter and sets the note on fire. It’s the last note, he’s gone every single day, since the funeral, to burn one of Sergio’s notes, and this is the last one, he has no intention of coming back again. Fernando gets up, brushing his jeans off, even though the dirt has long been replaced with grass, and goes to leave. As Fernando begins to cry, for the first time, it starts to rain-he hopes it puts out the fire in his heart.
Rating: R
Pairing: Sergio Ramos/Fernando Torres (alternate universe, they are not footballers)
Warning: character death
Word Count: 3100 aprox/
Disclaimer: I made it all up, none of this is based on anything factual, thank goodness.
A/N: Thanks to my wonderful beta wh_mermaid. I honestly wasn't so sure about this fic (even though i was keen to get started on it), but her through guidance & suggestions I was able to feel a little more sure about it.This is my first time writing a fic w/a character death. I'm not sure how I feel about this fic as a whole. It is set to Adele's haunting 'Set Fire to the Rain'. It's not necessary that you listen to it, but I do suggest it.
Click to viewComments are very much appreciated.
I let it fall my heart, and as it fell, you rose to claim it.
It was dark and I was over, until you kissed my lips and you saved me
Fernando met Sergio skydiving. Fernando had been nervous as hell-he hated heights, but he was determined. Sergio, who’d been watching him since the plane had taken off, poked him in the side.
“You look nervous.”
“Is it that obvious?”
“Yes.” Sergio had responded simply, smiling.
“I’m afraid of heights.”
Fernando expected Sergio to make fun of him, to mock him like his boyfriend always had, but he didn’t, instead he nudged him and grinned.
“Well I always say you should try to conquer what you fear, there’s no greater thrill than that.”
Looking back, Fernando supposes he should have known, should have been more wary of this philosophy of Sergio’s, but he hadn’t-he was too nervous. Instead, he smiled uneasily back.
“Jump with me.”
“What?”
Sergio pulled him up.
“Jump with me. If you’re that nervous, it’ll help. That way if you panic, and forget, I can pull your string.”
“Oh……ok, well I guess.”
Sergio took his hand. Fernando remembers it being warm, he remembers feeling safe, like Sergio wasn’t going to let go. He remembers thinking that it was fortuitous Sergio had been there. They’d stepped toward the edge of the plane, Sergio’s hand still in his. Sergio looked over at him, and counted to three, and together they’d jumped.
~
Afterwards Sergio invited him to have a drink with him, to celebrate. Fernando, feeling very proud of himself and very smug, decided he would-he’d dedicate it to David. David, the boyfriend who’d dumped him, who’d told him he wasn’t exciting, that he wasn’t any fun, that he would never loosen up, and therefore he’d found himself someone else that was all of those things.
Sergio raised his glass. “A toast to you, I’m sorry, your name, I didn’t catch it.”
“Fernando, and yours?”
Sergio clinked his glass with Fernando’s. “Sergio….a toast to Fernando, for conquering his fear…..”
“Well I wouldn’t put it like that.”
“….anyways, a toast to you. What are you toasting to?”
“David, fuck you motherfucker for saying I never did anything exciting, that I was boring. I did this for you……asshole.”
“Who’s David?”
“He was my boyfriend.”
“Ah, so you did have something more to prove.”
“Is that a bad thing?”
“No, I think it’s great that you used him to help you to conquer this fear. You’ll never tell him of course, it’s obvious you’re still hurting, but you’ll know, and that’s what’s important right? He doesn’t need to know. You should only do these things for yourself, the only one you need to prove anything to is yourself.”
“Are you a life coach or something?”
Sergio grinned. “No. I’m just someone who is always trying to top themselves, looking for the next biggest thrill.”
“I see, and what is the next one?”
“Well right now I think kissing you would be pretty thrilling.”
“Oh? Is that so?” Fernando smirked at this stranger, Sergio, with his strange philosophies and his warm hands and smile. He found he didn’t mind at all.
And with that Sergio leaned forward and kissed him, and that was it for Fernando-he felt his heart fall, and felt Sergio claim it. There was no going back for him.
when I lay with you I could stay there close my eyes
Feel you’re here forever, you me together nothing gets better
Sergio fitted so comfortably into Fernando’s life, filling the hole David left. It was scary, actually, how quickly Sergio became a necessary part of his life. Soon Fernando couldn’t remember a time when Sergio wasn’t a part of his life, when he didn’t have to see him every day. Each day was an adventure with Sergio-he could turn the most mundane thing, like learning how to make a new dish, a thrilling an adventure. He and Sergio together, nothing could be better. With Sergio, Fernando’s life was exciting.
But then there were times he wondered, in the beginning, if he was enough for Sergio. If he made Sergio’s life boring? He wondered if Sergio would someday realize that fucking Fernando, that loving Fernando wasn’t a big enough thrill for him. He asked Sergio about this one day, lying in bed. It was almost perfect, curled up against Sergio’s chest, except for that nagging feeling that someday Sergio would leave him for someone, for something, more thrilling; an adventure that Fernando wouldn’t, or couldn’t, go on.
“Sergio………?”
“Yes Fer?”
“Do you ever think…..do you ever wonder……..am I adventurous enough for you? Am I too boring?”
Sergio stopped running his finger along Fernando’s spine to look at him. “No.”
“No, that’s it?”
Sergio smirked as he slid his knee between Fernando’s thighs. “I think I’m adventurous enough for the both of us.” He rolled on top of Fernando, grabbing his dick. “Besides I love you, isn’t that enough?”
He smiled back, as leaned up to kiss Sergio. “I suppose that’s enough.”
Later, much later, he asked Sergio, his heart beating wildly, if he really did love him. Sergio’s answer, a whispered “yes of course” against his lips, tasted sweeter than the thousands of times David had whispered those words. It was then, in that moment, that Fernando realized that he’d never loved anyone as much as he loved Sergio.
If only Fernando had known then, how true Sergio’s words would turn out to be, maybe he would’ve told Sergio he was too adventurous, maybe then he would’ve told him love wasn’t enough. If only he had stopped himself from loving Sergio too much, but he knows, even with the knowledge he has now, that he wouldn’t have been able to stop himself.………there are too many “if onlys” in Fernando’s life now that Sergio is gone.
Cause there’s a side to you that I never knew, never knew. All the things you’d say, they were never true, never true.
It turned out that Sergio was indeed adventurous enough for the both of them-too adventurous. Each month there was a new adventure, a new challenge, a new thrill, each more dangerous than the next. It was an addiction with him. He would get restless, angry, when he was planning his next new thrill. The same passion that drove Sergio to live his life to the fullest, to love every moment of it, to make sure he wasn’t missing out on anyone or anything, also drove him to bouts of anger and silence when Fernando questioned him. Unlike David, Sergio did not mock him for his lack of imagination or adventure, instead he’d go quiet, his eyes full of sadness and quiet anger. He’d still sleep in the same bed, still fuck him, but there was always something missing at these times-as if Sergio was somewhere else, as if he was holding back out of anger, out of hurt-that Fernando couldn’t understand his need to do these things, to seek out new thrills. It always hurt, thinking that he wasn’t enough for Sergio, but every time he asked, he was met with the same question in reply.
“I thought me loving you was enough, why can’t that be enough for you Fernando?”
And Fernando, shamed by Sergio’s question, promised him that it was enough, that it was more than enough; except it wasn’t.
~
The first time Fernando got one of Sergio’s notes he flipped out. The note caused the first of many arguments. It wasn’t so much a fight-more like Fernando screaming at him, and Sergio pouting until Fernando gave in. The first time though, Sergio tried to explain to him, tried to tell him that it was only “just in case” something happened. Just in case he died, Fernando would know that Sergio loved him. He swore up and down he wasn’t serious, just about the part where he said he loved Fernando, that despite what Fernando might think or say, Sergio wasn’t reckless, he had his affairs in order. Fernando still remembers bits and pieces of that first note, even though he burned it weeks ago along with almost every note and letter Sergio ever wrote him.
Fer,
Don’t freak out, please don’t. This is just in case you know? I don’t want you to worry. I just want you to know that I love you. I just wanted to leave this note to let you know, you know, just in case something goes wrong. I want you to tell my family too….I’m giving you all my flamenco CDs…. you need to lighten up a bit…...
Fernando doesn’t remember the rest of it really (that’s a lie, he remembers it all), but he does remember how he yelled when Sergio returned.
“SERGIO!!!!!!!!” He waved the note in front of Sergio’s face, his face several shades of red.
“What is this? What the fuck is this note?”
“It’s nothing Fernando.”
“Nothing!? You know what this looks like to me? It looks like a suicide note? Why the fuck did you write this? Why? Why would you do that to me?”
“Just in case…..in case something happens. Come on Fernando it was a joke. Seriously, I didn’t go out there intent on dying.”
“A joke? Death is a joke to you?”
Sergio at least, had the decency to look chagrined. “No……ok so it wasn’t a joke, really……..it was more of well, a “just in case”.”
“A just in case? What does that mean?”
“It means, just in case something happens, I want people to know how I feel about them, I want my family to know, I want you to know.”
“To know what?”
“That I love you, most in this world.” Sergio replied, seemingly, in earnest.
Fernando could feel the red leaving his face, could feel his breathing getting more even.
“Oh well……ok.”
Sergio smiled in response, and then led him into the bedroom, silencing his worries, his anger, with his lips and his hands. This happened over and over again, each time Fernando found a note, and there were lots of them, he’d react the same way. And Sergio would tell him the same things, promise him the same things, make the same vows, and Fernando would relent each time, believe him each time. But Fernando now knew that those words weren’t true, they had never been true, because now he knew that Sergio had loved something else much more than him
And the games you play, you would always win, always win
There was one time though that the promises and the words, and the hands and the lips didn’t work. . .
Fernando, again, found one of Sergio’s notes, only this time he flipped out for another reason; it was his birthday. It was his birthday and Sergio had gone off, again, on one of his adventures. When Sergio came back that evening, his whole body radiating with the excitement and joy like it always did after one of his thrill rides, he tried to kiss Fernando. When Fernando, still livid, stepped away from him, Sergio frowned.
“Fernando, now come on, not this again. You know I have to do this, you know it, you should know it by now.”
“Yes…I do know that by now Ser-Gi-o.” Fernando pronounced every word slowly and carefully, trying to control his anger. “But that’s not the point. Do you know what today is…..well was, since the day is almost fuckin over?”
“Yes of course, your birthday Fer. I didn’t forget.”
“What?! Why did you go if you knew, if you didn’t forget? What the fuck Sese!”
“I had to Fer, I couldn’t help it. When I get that itch, you know I can’t help it, I can’t resist it.”
Fernando got up and headed to the bedroom slamming the door shut behind him, not wanting to speak or see Sergio. Alone, once again, he began to think over what Sergio had said, it didn’t calm him down. He was angry- angry at Sergio, angry at himself, for being surprised, for thinking that Sergio’s need, no his addiction, to thrill seek, had driven him to skip out on Fernando’s birthday. It was clear, even more than ever, that he’d never be able to completely satisfy Sergio, that Sergio’s “addiction” would always come before his boyfriend. Fernando wasn’t sure if he could handle that, but he wasn’t sure he was strong enough to leave Sergio, he wasn’t sure his heart could take it. He’d fallen so quickly and so carelessly in love, he didn’t really see a way out, and that above all else angered him. The fact that he hadn’t guarded his heart more carefully, that he’d given it away so quickly after David had left him, angered him. It was so foolish, and now he was stuck with a boyfriend who loved him, but not as much Fernando wanted him to.
Sergio softly knocked on the door
“Fernando………I’m sorry. I really am. I shouldn’t have skipped out.”
Fernando sighed. “No you shouldn’t have.”
“You know I can’t help it though Fer, you know it. It’s an addiction.”
“Yes I know Sese.”
“I got you a present.”
Fernando opened the door. Before he could say anything, Sergio was in his space, his hands all over him as he murmured words of apology and love, all of which Fernando knew Sergio meant. And just like that, just like the fool in love that he was, he forgave him. He was still angry, still hurt, but he was in too deep now, caught in this game of hearts with Sergio.
I set fire to the rain, and I threw us into the flame
When we fell, something died, cause I knew that that was the last time
Fernando holds Sergio’s last note in his hand, his eyes blur with unshed tears as he reads it over again. It’s no different from the countless notes Sergio left him over the years, but it is the most painful because it was the last note Sergio wrote to anyone. This note was not a “just in case” note, it was a “I’m gone, please remember me, please love me” note.
His knees give out and he finds himself kneeling before Sergio’s grave, but still he refuses to cry. He hasn’t cried since the accident. He refuses to cry for the man who left him so cruelly.
~
Fernando paced for what seems like hours. The doctors wouldn’t let him see Sergio and it was driving him insane. Sergio’s mother and brother watched him helplessly, each lost in their own pain, their own worry. Finally, a doctor came out to speak to them; Fernando remembered bits and pieces of that conversation.
“ doing everything we can”
“There are several worrying injuries”
“Internal bleeding…….damaged spine”
“Surgery”
“You can see him before we put him under”
Fernando let Sergio’s mother and brother go in first; he wanted to see Sergio alone.
Sergio smiled when he saw him, big and bright, like he wasn’t in excruciating pain. Fernando sat down and took his hand, still warm and as comforting as the first time, and squeezed. He’d had so many questions, mostly all centered around a central question, why?
“Looks like I finally found the greatest thrill Fer.”
Fernando started to laugh, and sobbed instead, dry heaves, no tears, just sobs that shook his body until he was clinging to Sergio as closely as all the tubes and various I.V.’s would allow him, asking over and over again, “why?”.
“I had to Fer, I couldn’t help it.”
Before Fernando could respond, the doctors had ushered him out. He’d glanced behind him once more to find Sergio still smiling, as if he was totally fine, as if this was just another “joke”, as if the last note he left would be another “just in case” note.
It wasn’t.
The doctor came out three hours later.
“I’m sorry, we did all we could but……”
Fernando didn’t remember much after that. Sergio’s brother told him he flipped out and punched a wall (his hand still bore the scars), and then refused treatment as he sat, catatonic in the waiting room of the emergency room. He supposed he must have gone in to see Sergio one last time, but he had no memory of it. At the funeral, he was blitzed out on booze and painkillers, and didn’t speak to anyone, although he remembers the looks people gave him-full of sadness and understanding, but what the fuck did they understand? How could they understand what it was like to be abandoned by your lover, a lover that you could never satisfy, a lover that lived for thrills, more than he lived for you? It was a pain, it was an anger that Fernando couldn’t and wouldn’t share with anyone.
~
Fernando stares blindly at the headstone, as he holds the note before him.
“Why Sese why? I mean I know, but why, fuck why did you have to go? Why did you have to go and leave me alone? What about those promises you made? What about all those times that you told me you loved me more than anything in the world? That was a lie wasn’t it? All those words you said, they were all a lie, all the times you swore this was the last time. They were never true were they? I gave you all of me; I gave you my heart so freely and so quickly. I shouldn’t have, should’ve never let you buy me a drink, should’ve never have let you kiss me, and I should’ve definitely never let myself fall in love with you. There are too many things I shouldn’t have done Sese, and they all add up to the fact that I wish I never met you. And yeah, I know, it’s my fault. I could never walk away, and I hate myself for that too. Mostly though I just miss you.....so much”
Fernando takes out a lighter and sets the note on fire. It’s the last note, he’s gone every single day, since the funeral, to burn one of Sergio’s notes, and this is the last one, he has no intention of coming back again. Fernando gets up, brushing his jeans off, even though the dirt has long been replaced with grass, and goes to leave. As Fernando begins to cry, for the first time, it starts to rain-he hopes it puts out the fire in his heart.