Halloween season 2009
Jackson’s Underworld (O9/25/2009)
After being absent from the Halloween scene for a few years due to a lack of money, I decided to return to the scene with my friends, who are adamant haunt enthusiasts and travel to many haunted attractions every year. I let them do all the coordinating of this haunted season, because I haven’t been to haunted houses in several years and don’t know which ones are good. All of my friends have different definitions of what a “good” haunted house is, but my criteria is pretty simple. I’m too old to be legitimately scared, and when you go to a haunted house, your mindset is turned to anticipating the fright. With that mindset, it’s hard to be truly frightened, but the haunted ambience and décor is the main reason we go. I want to leave a haunted house and say that it was cool and worth the money spent. I’ll elaborate more on why I enjoy haunted houses and what criteria I have for proclaiming one to be good. Jason, John, Joel, and I set out last night for the inaugural night of the season, and to kick off the season, they decided to go to what they considered the best haunted attraction of the 2008 season. I was excited, but my hopes were soon crushed by a night of rip-offs and failed expectations.
The first attraction we visited was the brand new Jackson’s Underworld in Jackson. It was about an hour drive away, but our friends Luke and Heather live in Jackson. We met them at their apartment, and we drove a few more miles to the Underworld. It was kind of cold and raining, but that did not deter us from going or being excited. We knew that the night of haunted wouldn’t be that busy because of the weather, so we were fortunate not to have to stand in any lines outside. Our first impression of Jackson’s Underworld were pretty good. The building looked very old and it was fairly large. We discussed what the building used to be, and it looks like it used to be either a school or an old motel. It was three stories with a basement, and the building truly looked like an authentic haunted attraction. At least, that was our initial thoughts. We parked in the near-empty lot near the entrance, but for some reason, we had to walk all the way to the other side of the building to buy our tickets and them proceed back to the entrance. Initially, we thought the haunt would be only $15, and we knew a haunted attraction would be good if it cost that much. When we went to purchase our tickets, the lady told us it was $20 a piece- $5 more than what was previously advertised in the widely circulated Fear Finder. We didn’t really care that we had to pay the extra amount, and we were anticipating a truly good haunt. Luke made sure to bitch about the higher price, even though he has to work a half hour to make that kind of money. Because this was the first attraction of the year, we had high expectations.
There were six of us, so we broke up into two groups to make it easier for us to travel through the attraction. Joel, Jason, and I went second after John, Luke, and Heather. We waited for a few minutes outside to allow some room between us, and our anticipation was building. When we first walked in, it was immediately dark, as we meandered through a series of dark walls. I don’t particular enjoy the wondering “groping” hallways in the dark, but it does get your senses on high alert since you don’t know what’s around each corner. Well, for the first 10 minutes of wandering the darkened halls, we didn’t see anything- no props, scares, or actors- nothing but darkness. There was nothing but endless amounts of dark hallways. While the halls were darkened, you could see above you since the mazelike walls were all within one large room and there were some lights in the tall ceiling. We were getting a little frustrated, and we finally came across our first ghoul after some 15 minutes. A trap door came down and a girl, who was plainly clothed, stuck her head out with a lackluster scream before disappearing behind the door again. Shortly after that, we came across another live ghoul, but this person was just sulking against the wall as we went around the corner. The ghoul did nothing, and I responded in disgust. The maze weaved around to the same location (on the opposite side of the wall), and that girl reappeared again behind another trap door to scream at us quickly before retreating behind the door. Eventually, the maze was interrupted with a few rooms of minimal props before reentering the darkened maze. There were very few live actors, which is one of the better aspects of any attraction. Some of the props even sprayed a little bit of red-colored liquid, which was unpleasant. While we were walking in a room with bagged corpses hanging from the ceiling, Luke brushed into one that apparently had a leak, and his arm was smeared slightly with red liquid. I definitely didn’t want to get any of this stuff on me. Another room with a guillotine victim sprayed Jason ever so slightly with this red substance. They did have one of those spinning vortex rooms, which are always visually difficult to walk through, although they can make me especially dizzy. I just laughed at Jason as he tried to hold his balance on the catwalk.
Near the end of the attraction, they must’ve ran out of wood for walls, and the maze was turned into a series of fences, which was even worse since we could see for a distance in front of us. They tried to solve that problem with more strobe lights and fog machines. There were several actors that were behind the fencing, and all they did was shake the fencing while screaming pathetically at us. The best part was a room with blinding strobe lights and sheets hanging from the ceiling. Amidst this, there were some live actors with chainsaws and other implements of destruction stalking those that got lost and blinded in the sheets. I truly felt like I was getting lost, but after awhile, it was more of a frustrated loss as we just brushed away the sheets and proceeded out of the room and back into a cage maze. We came across a room that looked like it had a boiler in it, and we saw a live ghoul hiding behind the equipment. By this point, we had caught up to John, Luke, and Heather, and a large group of unknowns behind us were on our ass and being distractingly loud. We all looked at the ghoul trying to figure out what it was, as it was moving. The ghoul, who was dressed like a typical druid, emerged and walked toward us slowly. Joel, in disgust at this point, said it was just a common druid. Then, unexplainably, the ghoul retreated back behind the equipment without doing anything at all. We turned the next corner; before we knew it, the haunted attraction was over, and we were outside in the parking lot. The attraction claimed it was 30,000 ft², but more than half of that was probably unused in the building. There was a lot of wasted space, and I do not recall if all the floors were even used. One room, as we confusingly observed, had a prop that resembled a massive, old-fashioned camera. It said the flash on the camera is enough to melt skin, but the prop was just stupid and did nothing but take up a room.
The group that was following us closely were also disgusted that the attraction wasn’t scary at all, but I responded that it was scary to know that you’ll go home and realize you wasted $20. The six of us stood there in the cold rain and lamented that Jackson’s Underworld was one of the worst haunted attractions ever- considering the internet hype, cost, and eventual crappiness. Joel even apologized to me for bringing me to this haunted house as the first attraction I’ve been too in probably three years. As we sulked near John’s car, a little kid came out with his parents, and even he was bitching that they just spent $20 to go in there. If a haunted house can’t legitimately scare a 10 year old, then that’s a problem. We were angered, but the night was not over since we planned to visit one more attraction that Joel, Jason, and John visited last year and knew that it was a truly good attraction. So, we didn’t let Jackson’s Underworld ruin our night. However, as I’m writing this the next day, my disappointment has cooled, and I could reflect my true opinions on this shitty haunted house.