no wonder why my favorite color is blue
theres a song i wrote along time ago, until now i thought i was just bullshitting with the words, but i realized that the song describes feelings of overwelming regret and depression. The lyrics are definitely not the greatest, but i can understand them now. its funny how your feelings can sub-consciously pour out onto a paper without you realizing it. the song is about having to live with somthing that you know you could have prevented only if you were not so stubborn or naive. its about the feeling of hopelessness that has been brought upon yourself by yourself. its about the times you've been hysterically crying because you yourself burned you bridges and cannot change your ever so haunting past. its about staying up not getting any sleep because you cannot get terrible thoughts out of your head. its about how i am neurotic. so here they are....try not to laugh too much.
here i am staring at a blank screen again
its 3 am
i wonder when
i cant defend until the end
i will fight until we bleed
wipe the guilt off my sleeve
take a breath of the air
wake the feelings if we dare
so much colder now that i'm alone
should have known
not to throw stones in glass houses
broken window pains of memory
shard of glass
this wont the last time you hear from me
and if you care to listen to the actual song:
www.purevolume.com/myownvendetta
i stay up all night now and i dont get any sleep anymore i am completely and utterly miserable to the point where i will never be anything but miserable. i have been downhearted, melancholy, spiritless, tristful what ever you'd like to call it for a better part of my life and alot of the time i was never able to put my finger on why and for the most part i still cannot today. ive made so many bad decisions in my life and the nightmares about them never go away. i wish i could start everything over from the beggining, i could have made things so much better for myself if i knew then what i know now. the past is something so intriguing to me, its not a place you can ever go back to, but you can re-visit it over and over in your mind. its on an entirely different plane than the present and the future. my love is the only thing i have left to keep me
inebriated..so to speak. she is the only reason for me to wake up everyday and get out. the music used to be what was there for me, but that has gotten old and making music just puts me into a more dispirited state. is it possible that my depression is just a chemical inbalance in my brain? or is it something deeper like my childhood, how my father used to make my mother stay and watch me when i was a new born while he would go out and cheat on her and the things i've seen when i was a small child, like when i saw my father break someones nose because my mother was allegedly cheating on my father with this man. i wasnt taught anything i needed to know by my parents when i was younger, my mother was too busy getting her college degree and my father was too busy with his friends and its still that way today, my father ditches plans with me to go out and get drunk and my mother is never home because she works all day. i recently visited my house i used to live in with lydia, the house i used to live in before my parents got divorced and it stirred like these weird feelings inside of me, like i could just see my parents in the house yelling and screaming throwing things at each other. i could see other things to like summers with me riding on my dog, red, around the yard, swinging on my little blue swing that hung off the roof of the porch, going into the back yard and eating the berries, watching my father chop wood. the house is now totally abandoned, the windows are all broken, everything in it is destroyed and where the pond was there is just now tall grass. things change and i never have. thats one of my problems i always want everything to be the same and never change, but the truth is that it has to be in order for the world to continue to go around. nothing in the world can make me happy except for her. i'm one fucked up guy. but i fit in perfectly because we lived in a fucked up place.
here i am staring at a blank screen again
its 3 am
i wonder when
i cant defend until the end
i will fight until we bleed
wipe the guilt off my sleeve
take a breath of the air
wake the feelings if we dare
so much colder now that i'm alone
should have known
not to throw stones in glass houses
broken window pains of memory
shard of glass
this wont the last time you hear from me
and if you care to listen to the actual song:
www.purevolume.com/myownvendetta
i stay up all night now and i dont get any sleep anymore i am completely and utterly miserable to the point where i will never be anything but miserable. i have been downhearted, melancholy, spiritless, tristful what ever you'd like to call it for a better part of my life and alot of the time i was never able to put my finger on why and for the most part i still cannot today. ive made so many bad decisions in my life and the nightmares about them never go away. i wish i could start everything over from the beggining, i could have made things so much better for myself if i knew then what i know now. the past is something so intriguing to me, its not a place you can ever go back to, but you can re-visit it over and over in your mind. its on an entirely different plane than the present and the future. my love is the only thing i have left to keep me
inebriated..so to speak. she is the only reason for me to wake up everyday and get out. the music used to be what was there for me, but that has gotten old and making music just puts me into a more dispirited state. is it possible that my depression is just a chemical inbalance in my brain? or is it something deeper like my childhood, how my father used to make my mother stay and watch me when i was a new born while he would go out and cheat on her and the things i've seen when i was a small child, like when i saw my father break someones nose because my mother was allegedly cheating on my father with this man. i wasnt taught anything i needed to know by my parents when i was younger, my mother was too busy getting her college degree and my father was too busy with his friends and its still that way today, my father ditches plans with me to go out and get drunk and my mother is never home because she works all day. i recently visited my house i used to live in with lydia, the house i used to live in before my parents got divorced and it stirred like these weird feelings inside of me, like i could just see my parents in the house yelling and screaming throwing things at each other. i could see other things to like summers with me riding on my dog, red, around the yard, swinging on my little blue swing that hung off the roof of the porch, going into the back yard and eating the berries, watching my father chop wood. the house is now totally abandoned, the windows are all broken, everything in it is destroyed and where the pond was there is just now tall grass. things change and i never have. thats one of my problems i always want everything to be the same and never change, but the truth is that it has to be in order for the world to continue to go around. nothing in the world can make me happy except for her. i'm one fucked up guy. but i fit in perfectly because we lived in a fucked up place.