letters in boxes
well i don't know when you came around here again, but they said you did. they said you'd come back. most of my memories of you had been effaced anyway so i'm not sure if i would have noticed you had i passed you by. then again i've changed so much that it'd be a wonder if you'd recognize who i am. i'm not happy, but i don't do anything about it anymore.
i remember you used to take the medicine too. it was like a newspaper to dog. step out of line, get whacked on the head. you step out of line, take a pill. how embarassing: you weren't just getting smacked on the head but you were smacking yourself on the head. we were always predisposed to our own sadness. our happiness was pathetic.
and in the midst of all this i always wondered something: did you really like is? i mean, did we really have a good time together? we weren't even optimistic people. we were never happy except together. were we anything else than each other's new found medication? i never understood why we kept on except hoping we'd escape. i'd try to convince myself i wasn't sad any longer, but i was just like you really. smiling, normal.
i remember how people would talk about you, joke about you. how wierd you are and how messed up you were. i'd laugh with them. if i didn't i'd just be defeated. i didn't want to feel bad for wanting you. i could never have made them understand how crazy you are. were? i was convinced we weren't sad then. somehow i talked myself into it. but we were. you were. that's probably why i knew i could never defend you.
"look at her," my mind would say, seeing you all in black (including your make-up). you didn't seem to care about anything else. i must've mistaken your sadness for indifference. no one would want to talk to you. i don't know why i ever did. the sun pressing hard against your black clothes, i never understood how you could stand it all.
did you like people avoiding you? did you never want me to bother you? was i anything to you? you couldn't even see the world normally. everything was fucked up or nonsense. i'd ask you why you thought that...instead you got me to convince myself you were right. so i could be like you. normal, smiling.
but i'm not like that.
you walk around, never caring about anyone. your walk shouted your arrogance. it was as if you wanted people to fear your insanity. to at least recognize you. your walk, your walk was slow. simple. practiced for the perfect effect.
you're still like that, aren't you? all messed up in the head, never getting anything straight. i couldn't blame you. that's how you are. you're complicated and foolish. depressed, medicated. simple and attractive. you never had control of it. you really were smiling, normal. not me. that's not me. i know that now.
but everyday, with every trip, i get deeper and deeper in some place in side me. some dark place inside that leaves me blind and dumb to everything around me. some place where i'll stop seeing everything wrong with me.
every single day, i just take more and more of that medicine. i don't even know if i need it. want it. but it's what i've done. it's all my small part of you.
that's where i'll be. it's what you did. you left me smiling, normal.
amd i can be like that, couldn't i?
i can.
normal, smiling.
i remember you used to take the medicine too. it was like a newspaper to dog. step out of line, get whacked on the head. you step out of line, take a pill. how embarassing: you weren't just getting smacked on the head but you were smacking yourself on the head. we were always predisposed to our own sadness. our happiness was pathetic.
and in the midst of all this i always wondered something: did you really like is? i mean, did we really have a good time together? we weren't even optimistic people. we were never happy except together. were we anything else than each other's new found medication? i never understood why we kept on except hoping we'd escape. i'd try to convince myself i wasn't sad any longer, but i was just like you really. smiling, normal.
i remember how people would talk about you, joke about you. how wierd you are and how messed up you were. i'd laugh with them. if i didn't i'd just be defeated. i didn't want to feel bad for wanting you. i could never have made them understand how crazy you are. were? i was convinced we weren't sad then. somehow i talked myself into it. but we were. you were. that's probably why i knew i could never defend you.
"look at her," my mind would say, seeing you all in black (including your make-up). you didn't seem to care about anything else. i must've mistaken your sadness for indifference. no one would want to talk to you. i don't know why i ever did. the sun pressing hard against your black clothes, i never understood how you could stand it all.
did you like people avoiding you? did you never want me to bother you? was i anything to you? you couldn't even see the world normally. everything was fucked up or nonsense. i'd ask you why you thought that...instead you got me to convince myself you were right. so i could be like you. normal, smiling.
but i'm not like that.
you walk around, never caring about anyone. your walk shouted your arrogance. it was as if you wanted people to fear your insanity. to at least recognize you. your walk, your walk was slow. simple. practiced for the perfect effect.
you're still like that, aren't you? all messed up in the head, never getting anything straight. i couldn't blame you. that's how you are. you're complicated and foolish. depressed, medicated. simple and attractive. you never had control of it. you really were smiling, normal. not me. that's not me. i know that now.
but everyday, with every trip, i get deeper and deeper in some place in side me. some dark place inside that leaves me blind and dumb to everything around me. some place where i'll stop seeing everything wrong with me.
every single day, i just take more and more of that medicine. i don't even know if i need it. want it. but it's what i've done. it's all my small part of you.
that's where i'll be. it's what you did. you left me smiling, normal.
amd i can be like that, couldn't i?
i can.
normal, smiling.