A feeling...
"Did you ever get a feeling...?" That's how Grey's Anatomy started two weeks ago, and yesterday, watching the conclusion of that episode, I think I know how Meredith feels. I know I'm not usually so mopey and melodramatic; in fact, my theory is usually "suck it up and get over it!", but something stirred me yesterday. It started out, as usual, when I turned on the tv and Extreme Makeover: Home Edition was on. That show - the only one I can say this about - never fails to make me cry. AND it was a two hour episode! So, that just got me feeling all happy (and sorry) for the family and wishing that I could do something to really make a difference in someone's life. Instead, look at me, I'm just sitting here - it's horrible.
After watching Desparate Housewives and Grey's Anatomy (yes, 4 solid hours of tv, but there was a blizzard outside), I started to feel so alone. Being lonely is perhaps one of the most helpless feelings I've ever had to deal with. I'm an only child, so I should be used to it, right? Most people first think of "spoiled" when they think of only children, but it is easy to tell which people can see beyond that sterotype. My POJ professor asked the class the other day, in reference to a polis, if everyone had siblings. So, most of the class raised their hands. Then she asked who was an only child and once again, I was the only one. She smirked and said "ah, spoiled" and turned around, then she looked over her shoulder and said "or lonely?".
The class became very still after she said that, as if no one had considered that aspect before. I was a little taken aback that someone who is not an only child, understood.
Anyway, this is no case of homesickness, folks. I've been in school for six months now and have yet to suffer from homesickness. I was just so alone last night. And I realized sitting there, sobbing at the concluding scenes of Grey's Anatomy, that I am so alone. I only have about 3 real friends here ("except you, Rajah"), and my roommate had gone home for the weekend and was stuck because of the Nor'easter. I felt so lonely just sitting on my bed, leaning against the wall, crying in the dark and wished, the one thing I wished is that someone could be there to put their arm around me.
But it didn't happen.
I thought of all of my friends back home and how we probably will never all get together at once like we used to do so many times in the past. Like we used to do and take for granted. I've been thinking, "so what if I only have three good friends here?" (who are all amazing), "I have all of my friends at home". But the truth is, I rarely see them and some of the things that we originally built our friendships on are starting to change and melt away.
I love them all dearly, but it's unfortunate that we'll only be "back to normal" for about three months out of every year, from now on.
I also felt lonely because my birthday is this Saturday. It's the first birthday in eighteen years that I will be spending away from home; away from my parents. Although I'm not homesick, I do miss them and my "little dog, too!". He's adorable and I feel so so guilty thinking about how he doesn't understand why I go away for such long periods of time and how I'm toying with his heart everytime I fly home for only a few days. I think of how little time I have left with him (doggie years, folks) and how I'm not even near him to enjoy it. I love him so much.
Then I thought about my Valentine, and how sad it is that we won't be near each other for Valentine's Day. It's not like I have had very many valentines in my life (he's my second), but I miss him just the same.
And to top it all off, Sarah, Liz and I went into Boston to see the Museum of Fine Art on Saturday and to visit with Liz's brother and company. Something happened, I'm not sure what, but at some point I started to realize just how fake people can be. Don't take offense, I'm not talking about my friends, but I was thinking about that last night and about how few people are really genuine people.
So that's it. I'm not homesick or bitter, I'm just lonely.
After watching Desparate Housewives and Grey's Anatomy (yes, 4 solid hours of tv, but there was a blizzard outside), I started to feel so alone. Being lonely is perhaps one of the most helpless feelings I've ever had to deal with. I'm an only child, so I should be used to it, right? Most people first think of "spoiled" when they think of only children, but it is easy to tell which people can see beyond that sterotype. My POJ professor asked the class the other day, in reference to a polis, if everyone had siblings. So, most of the class raised their hands. Then she asked who was an only child and once again, I was the only one. She smirked and said "ah, spoiled" and turned around, then she looked over her shoulder and said "or lonely?".
The class became very still after she said that, as if no one had considered that aspect before. I was a little taken aback that someone who is not an only child, understood.
Anyway, this is no case of homesickness, folks. I've been in school for six months now and have yet to suffer from homesickness. I was just so alone last night. And I realized sitting there, sobbing at the concluding scenes of Grey's Anatomy, that I am so alone. I only have about 3 real friends here ("except you, Rajah"), and my roommate had gone home for the weekend and was stuck because of the Nor'easter. I felt so lonely just sitting on my bed, leaning against the wall, crying in the dark and wished, the one thing I wished is that someone could be there to put their arm around me.
But it didn't happen.
I thought of all of my friends back home and how we probably will never all get together at once like we used to do so many times in the past. Like we used to do and take for granted. I've been thinking, "so what if I only have three good friends here?" (who are all amazing), "I have all of my friends at home". But the truth is, I rarely see them and some of the things that we originally built our friendships on are starting to change and melt away.
I love them all dearly, but it's unfortunate that we'll only be "back to normal" for about three months out of every year, from now on.
I also felt lonely because my birthday is this Saturday. It's the first birthday in eighteen years that I will be spending away from home; away from my parents. Although I'm not homesick, I do miss them and my "little dog, too!". He's adorable and I feel so so guilty thinking about how he doesn't understand why I go away for such long periods of time and how I'm toying with his heart everytime I fly home for only a few days. I think of how little time I have left with him (doggie years, folks) and how I'm not even near him to enjoy it. I love him so much.
Then I thought about my Valentine, and how sad it is that we won't be near each other for Valentine's Day. It's not like I have had very many valentines in my life (he's my second), but I miss him just the same.
And to top it all off, Sarah, Liz and I went into Boston to see the Museum of Fine Art on Saturday and to visit with Liz's brother and company. Something happened, I'm not sure what, but at some point I started to realize just how fake people can be. Don't take offense, I'm not talking about my friends, but I was thinking about that last night and about how few people are really genuine people.
So that's it. I'm not homesick or bitter, I'm just lonely.