Round 2: Better and Worse
I went out as myself this morning to that Unitarian Universalist church again. I just about didn't make it there; I got myself made up and ready this morning, and I thought I looked horrible. I thought my facial hair was totally obvious, and I didn't think I did a good job on my eye makeup, and I really didn't want to go out looking like that. At the last minute I tried changing from the white embroidered headscarf that my Mom made me to a purple one that matched my top, and I thought it helped some, so I was able (barely) to make myself go, even though I was still feeling dysphoric. Once I got there the sun had come out and I thought I looked better in the better light, too. But yeah, note to everyone: It seems I can't wear white near my face without looking like death. Sorry!
Anyway, I think I did better with my voice; I wasn't as nervous and it held up pretty well for most of the time I was there. The service itself was kind of crazy, though... Um, first we did this one song whose first verse went like this:
Just as long as I have breath, I must answer, 'Yes' to life;
though with pain I made my way, still with hope I meet each day.
If they ask what I did well, tell them I said, 'Yes', to life.
There was no way I could actually sing that of course, and I have no idea how my mascara stayed where it was supposed to.
Then partway through the message, a member of the congregation had a heart attack!! Yeah, that's what I said, holy crap!!! So that was pretty uncomfortable, with the paramedics and the whole deal going on right there in the sanctuary. Right before I left we got word that she was still doing okay at the ER.
The guest speaker was kind of a flake, anyway; he was this very self-assured Australian Zen Yoga guy, and he was pretty much laying out his specific (and highly eclectic) belief system in such a way that he obviously thought that he 'got it' and we all didn't. Some of the things he said struck me as being rather unaffirming of transpeople--basically any problem you have is all in your mind, because your body doesn't last forever so it doesn't exist at all, or whatever. A couple of the church members actually approached me afterwards to apologize and tell me that the messages aren't usually like that.
And I got smothered a little by my would-be mentor while I was there again, too. She tried to push me into staying for the transgender support meeting this evening, and was offering help on wigs and makeup and clothes and all kinds of stuff. I know she means well, but I don't feel ready for all that yet. I'm sure there'll be a time when it'll be great to have a friend who's already done all that stuff and can give advice... it's just hard enough right now to convince myself to go to this one specific place for a while; the idea of being "out on the town" for 13+ hours is too overwhelming right now.
Anyway, I think I did better with my voice; I wasn't as nervous and it held up pretty well for most of the time I was there. The service itself was kind of crazy, though... Um, first we did this one song whose first verse went like this:
Just as long as I have breath, I must answer, 'Yes' to life;
though with pain I made my way, still with hope I meet each day.
If they ask what I did well, tell them I said, 'Yes', to life.
There was no way I could actually sing that of course, and I have no idea how my mascara stayed where it was supposed to.
Then partway through the message, a member of the congregation had a heart attack!! Yeah, that's what I said, holy crap!!! So that was pretty uncomfortable, with the paramedics and the whole deal going on right there in the sanctuary. Right before I left we got word that she was still doing okay at the ER.
The guest speaker was kind of a flake, anyway; he was this very self-assured Australian Zen Yoga guy, and he was pretty much laying out his specific (and highly eclectic) belief system in such a way that he obviously thought that he 'got it' and we all didn't. Some of the things he said struck me as being rather unaffirming of transpeople--basically any problem you have is all in your mind, because your body doesn't last forever so it doesn't exist at all, or whatever. A couple of the church members actually approached me afterwards to apologize and tell me that the messages aren't usually like that.
And I got smothered a little by my would-be mentor while I was there again, too. She tried to push me into staying for the transgender support meeting this evening, and was offering help on wigs and makeup and clothes and all kinds of stuff. I know she means well, but I don't feel ready for all that yet. I'm sure there'll be a time when it'll be great to have a friend who's already done all that stuff and can give advice... it's just hard enough right now to convince myself to go to this one specific place for a while; the idea of being "out on the town" for 13+ hours is too overwhelming right now.