(no subject)
i appologise if my last entry was a little vague.
i've been having a tough time making a decision. our landlord is a bitch. and both of my roommates are at eachothers throats everytime i walk in the door. not to mention that neither of them have found a job and it's past the point of no return (i.e. even if they found jobs today we still wouldnt make rent on time, or all the bills that are so past due that any day i expect not to have the things i have become accustom to like water and electric). alas, i do not have enough money to bail us out of this one. and so i've been going out almost every night and getting shit canned so that i do not have to think about it. but lastnight i DID go out and i DID get canned and i DID think about it.
so there is going to be a house meeting on tuesday where we all talk. and it's going to make me uncomfortable as hell. i kow for a fact that they are going to ask me what the meeting is aboutand if they ask me at the same time then the meeting will happen then. i just hate talking about things. it gets under my skin.
mostly it's that, and a little of "i see everyone around me falling in love but find myself not being able to". its not that i cant, i mean i want to for gods sake. i want someone to be passionate about, i want someone to leave inside jokes on journals and myspaces and facebooks and such, i want someone to hold hands and walk around waterfrontpark like the other couples do. to give kisses to while sitting on benches in crowded city streets (but not making out because even i find that to be a little too much PDA). i just have a major fear of rejection and it keeps me from hitting on the girls i want to hit on. it wasn't this way a few years ago, but over time i have learned that i want something serious and not just a two week thing. i want someone who will stay the night, i want a girl that takes more time to get ready then we'll spend at the place she is getting ready for, i want a girl who i am "always on my phone with", i want a girl who gets along with my friends, i want a girl who will make me a better me. i want a girl who i do not have to initiate first contact with. a girl who will hit on me for a change, and not subtle hitting on, blunt hitting on. maybe my standards have just hit an all new high for me. maybe i just think that every girl i meet automatically throws me into the friend zone because i have one of those personalitys that everyone wants at least one of their friends to have and none of their friends have it. maybe it's just bad timing. maybe its karma, im being punished for being such an asshole in high school. i guess only time will tell.
honestly, i think im just bi-polar.
i've been having a tough time making a decision. our landlord is a bitch. and both of my roommates are at eachothers throats everytime i walk in the door. not to mention that neither of them have found a job and it's past the point of no return (i.e. even if they found jobs today we still wouldnt make rent on time, or all the bills that are so past due that any day i expect not to have the things i have become accustom to like water and electric). alas, i do not have enough money to bail us out of this one. and so i've been going out almost every night and getting shit canned so that i do not have to think about it. but lastnight i DID go out and i DID get canned and i DID think about it.
so there is going to be a house meeting on tuesday where we all talk. and it's going to make me uncomfortable as hell. i kow for a fact that they are going to ask me what the meeting is aboutand if they ask me at the same time then the meeting will happen then. i just hate talking about things. it gets under my skin.
mostly it's that, and a little of "i see everyone around me falling in love but find myself not being able to". its not that i cant, i mean i want to for gods sake. i want someone to be passionate about, i want someone to leave inside jokes on journals and myspaces and facebooks and such, i want someone to hold hands and walk around waterfrontpark like the other couples do. to give kisses to while sitting on benches in crowded city streets (but not making out because even i find that to be a little too much PDA). i just have a major fear of rejection and it keeps me from hitting on the girls i want to hit on. it wasn't this way a few years ago, but over time i have learned that i want something serious and not just a two week thing. i want someone who will stay the night, i want a girl that takes more time to get ready then we'll spend at the place she is getting ready for, i want a girl who i am "always on my phone with", i want a girl who gets along with my friends, i want a girl who will make me a better me. i want a girl who i do not have to initiate first contact with. a girl who will hit on me for a change, and not subtle hitting on, blunt hitting on. maybe my standards have just hit an all new high for me. maybe i just think that every girl i meet automatically throws me into the friend zone because i have one of those personalitys that everyone wants at least one of their friends to have and none of their friends have it. maybe it's just bad timing. maybe its karma, im being punished for being such an asshole in high school. i guess only time will tell.
honestly, i think im just bi-polar.